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Not wanting dd's dad to have her alone or overnight yet

(82 Posts)
Lia87 Sun 18-Nov-12 11:55:45

My daughter is 10 weeks, but was 9 weeks premature, her father and i get on ok, but he just doesn't seem to give a toss about her unless its to show her off to friends, rest of the time hands her back after a min or 2, laughs when she cries rather than comforting her, tells me to leave her crying and that i'm spoiling her by comforting her, said i shouldn't feed her unless its been 4 hours between feeds so she "doesn't get in bad habits", makes excuses most times he arranges to see her an hour or so before he's meant to, didn't ask about her for a week while she was in intensive care, and has only seen her 2-3ish hours about every 2 weeks past month, hasn't paid anything towards her

yet has texted me twice saying "i want you to drop the baby off at mine on _ i have equal rights to her" (which i think is most likely to show her off to friends as he doesn't bother to ask how she is or reply to me for a week or 2 at a time)
each time i've phoned him to explain why its not practical eg breast feeding, she doesn't stop crying for anyone else yet, she doesn't really know him enough so would be scared etc, and offered to stay with her or him stay at ours until she's old enough, which he ignored and was just like i want a date i can have her overnight each time
personally i don't feel he's capable of caring for her alone until 2and half-3 when she can say if she's happy with him or not, am i being unreasonable?

Katienana Sun 18-Nov-12 11:58:27

Of course not. your baby needs her mum and that comes first.

Iodine Sun 18-Nov-12 11:59:58

Yanbu to not allow your tiny baby to stay overnight at his house. He sounds like an immature idiot.

cafebistro Sun 18-Nov-12 12:00:51

YANBU. She 's 10 weeks old and she needs her mother. If you are breastfeeding then it's impossible for him to have her overnight at the moment.

ChippingInLovesAutumn Sun 18-Nov-12 12:01:20

He sounds like a complete and utter twat and I'd be exclusive breastfeeding her until she was 23 2 or 3.

Tell him he can visit her at yours, but that is it, she is far too small to be left with that dick to be apart from you. Rinse and repeat, don't engage in any other debate about it.

MaBumble Sun 18-Nov-12 12:07:13

That would be a 'no' to overnights, you are breastfeeding. If I recollect that is about every 2 hours at least. Also you might point out that he does not have equal rights - she's not a shared toy. You have equal responsibilities, and he's not being very responsible putting his selfish wants before her needs.

OpheliaPayneAgain Sun 18-Nov-12 12:08:04

No. Not at that age. No way.

EternalHope Sun 18-Nov-12 12:10:46

YANBU stick to your guns until he proves himself to be a more attentive father (do keep giving him the chance).

OpheliaPayneAgain Sun 18-Nov-12 12:14:28

can I be rude and ask if he is on the birth certificate?

MmeLindor Sun 18-Nov-12 12:16:19

Well, normally I would say that as a father, he has equal 'rights' as a mother but since he sounds like a selfish twat, I will say that your DD has a right to be well looked after.

The well-being of a tiny baby trumps the ego of a grown man.

Have you spoken to a solicitor about formalising access?

YouOldSlag Sun 18-Nov-12 12:18:20


Also you might point out that he does not have equal rights - she's not a shared toy. You have equal responsibilities, and he's not being very responsible putting his selfish wants before her need

Right now it's impossible to leave her with anyone but you. You can suggest he comes to visit her at your home if he's that desperate to see her. If he refuses then he can't want to see that badly.

Juts keep saying "of course you can see her, come over at 2pm". but no, you can't leave her.

When I was BFing my (massive) DS needed feeding from 20 minutes to 1.5 hours round the clock. I'd just sit there all day unable to do anything else. The idea of leaving him overnight would have been laughable.

Even a court of law wouldn't separate a BFing mother and baby overnight.

diddl Sun 18-Nov-12 12:19:13

Four hrs between bfeeds??!!


My prem-was with many, couldn´t take enough bmilk to last for 4hrs.

CouthyMowEatingBraiiiiinz Sun 18-Nov-12 12:19:44

No court will make you send a bf baby under 1yo on an overnight visit as it would interfere with successful bf.

What they usually advise is 3 blocks of 2-3 hrs each a week, so say 2hrs Monday, 3hrs Wed and 3 hrs Friday, all with the Mother (as the babies food source) present.

So no court in the land will make an ebf 10 week old baby go on overnight contact.

He's being an arse.

pregnantpause Sun 18-Nov-12 12:22:11

He has no rights. Your dd has rights to see both her parents in an environment and situation that is in her best interests. She is exclusively bfing (well done btw it cant have been easy with her in intensive care and prem) so it is not in her best interests to be apart from you. She is a child, not a toy, he needs to be reminded of that

Lia87 Sun 18-Nov-12 12:25:15

he is on the birth certificate, i was trying to avoid a big scene but do wish id not let him be now
once she's weaned would courts allow him overnights, before she can communicate to say if shes happy or not with him, if hes still acting as uncaring?

Alisvolatpropiis Sun 18-Nov-12 12:27:55

Ok...legally he does have rights.

But this is clearly not an appropriate time to exercise them. She is only 10 weeks old,you are breast feeding her. He,regardless of other behaviours,quite simply cannot provide that for her. Explain that even if you were together you would not leave her over night with him either because you are providing food for her.

Just tell him she is too young at the moment but when she is older you can both discuss how to go forward ensuring she has a good relationship with both of you.

Agree with MmeLindor - Have you spoken to a solicitor about formalising access?

This needs to be done asap.

Tailtwister Sun 18-Nov-12 12:29:50

YANBU, of course she can't go off with him for hours without you! The fact you are breastfeeding is a factor, but even if you were bottle feeding a small baby needs to be with it's mother. Stand by your guns, but if he persists I would take legal advice.

thebody Sun 18-Nov-12 12:31:59

He's a big twat. Just say no.

On a legal note I always thought that father had no rights unless the couple were married? Is that wrong?

Alisvolatpropiis Sun 18-Nov-12 12:32:52

Lia87 the courts endeavour to ensure contact between a child and the father. In any way possible. So yes,it is likely that if he went to court he would get contact.

Maybe suggest he spends more time with her at your home (not ideal for you I know),and tell him no,she's a tiny baby,if she cries it is for a reason, he must work out what that reason is. That is what parents do.

Try to encourage him to be more proactive. He might be acting the way he is because he's a bit overwhelmed and doesn't spend as much time with her as he would if you were together (that's not your fault OP). But I think having a relationship with her father is important.

MammaTJ Sun 18-Nov-12 12:33:31

How ridiculous especially as you are breast feeding!! What an idiot!! Being prem, she needs feeding more often than three housr for a while anyway.

Alisvolatpropiis Sun 18-Nov-12 12:33:37

If the father is on the birth certificate he was parental responsibility for the child regardless of marriage.

cafebistro Sun 18-Nov-12 12:34:27

thebody - unmarried fathers now have parental responsibilty when they're named on the birth certificate. The law changed a few years ago.

MmeLindor Sun 18-Nov-12 12:36:40

Actually, I'd be inclined to get HV involved. Can you arrange that she is there when he comes to visit so that she can observe how useless he is with your DD? Will give you good evidence if it does come to a court case.

He will likely lose interest though. This type of wanker often does. Right now he is using your worry about your DD to control and hurt you. He doesn't really want to have your DD.

tisnottheseasonyet Sun 18-Nov-12 12:42:43

I'm all for father rights, but from the OP I really have to agree with your instincts on this one.

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