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To think it's not at all unreasonable to want to know where my toddler is overnight?

(32 Posts)
WhenSantaGotStuckUpACunnyFunt Sun 18-Nov-12 10:02:48

MIL has 17mo DD overnight once a month, she stayed over last night. MIL rings up at 7ish this morning and says they're just about to set off and they'll be back in about 45 mins because the roads could be icy so she'll drive extra carefully. DP doesn't think this odd at all, yet I'm sat there thinking 'WTF? MIL only lives 5 minutes away!' So I ask DP why it's going to take that long and he says
'Oh they're at <his brothers>'
Me 'What, this early?'
DP 'No they slept out there last night because B&SIL wanted to go out so mums baby sitting'

He knew all along that DD was going to be over half an hour away and I'm astounded that he didn't think it important enough to tell me where she was going to be!

I'm pissed off with him and he just doesn't see it as a big deal!

Sorry if it doesn't make much sense, I'm annoyed and walking the dog

No it's not unreasonable to want to know. Your DP sounds very laid back, I hope he can see your pov, so this doesn't happen again.

Collaborate Sun 18-Nov-12 10:06:14

I see you husband's p.o.v. Is it really such a big deal?

Sirzy Sun 18-Nov-12 10:07:16

One of her parents did know though. Is her being half an hour away really such a big deal anyway?

crypes Sun 18-Nov-12 10:08:18

They never told you cos they know it was wrong. You definately should of been told where your little one was overnight .It all sounds abit shifty .

StuntGirl Sun 18-Nov-12 10:09:25

I'd have wanted him to tell me. But at least one of you knew.

BabylonPI Sun 18-Nov-12 10:10:00

YANBU I'd be a lot pissed off if my DCs weren't where I thought they were in terms of sleeping at someone else's.

MIL did this to us in the summer, we took DDs to her house for the night, she farmed them out to SIL and expected us not to know - DH hasn't spoken to/had a relationship with SIL for over 20 years, but MIL thought this could be bridge building.

Erm, no!

WhenSantaGotStuckUpACunnyFunt Sun 18-Nov-12 10:10:01

I know DD didn't come to any harm but she quite easily could've. You have to drive down country lanes to get to BILs and I actually thought it had snowed last night there was that much frost this morning.

WitchOfEndor Sun 18-Nov-12 10:10:20

I can't see any reason why they wouldn't tell you. You assumed that they would be just down the road so didn't think to check, who would? I would make it clear that you need to know in future.

Sirzy Sun 18-Nov-12 10:11:42

Witch - her DH did know where the child was so if anyone is at fault it is him not the in laws.

I would want to know and be really surprised if it didn't occur to my husband to tell me in that situation!

The OP isn't saying she's unhappy that her MIL took the toddler to stay elsewhere, she is unhappy that nobody saw fit to mention it to her - I think some people on principle answer these AIBU from the point of view that mothers don't "own" their children etc. which is obviously true, but just not bothering to mention in passing that she was going to visit her uncle is irritating at the very least!

Summerblaze Sun 18-Nov-12 10:13:58

I would have assumed DH would have told me. If he hadn't I would have thought it was an oversight as he would know I wouldn't have cared if she was at her uncles with PIL.

Are they not trustworthy or is this a little PFBish.

meditrina Sun 18-Nov-12 10:15:08

I think I'd be put out that no-one had told me.

But DD was, as usual, with her granny in safe and sensible surroundings.

Don't let your first reaction spoil whatever it it you do/could do on your child free nights together by cutting off the arrangement.

Felicitywascold Sun 18-Nov-12 10:15:44

Yanbu. But it is DH at fault not MIL.

Summer how is it PFB to expect your husband to communicate with you? I would expect it to come up in conversation if nothing else! I have 3 kids and would be annoyed if they went to stay at MIL's but ended up sleeping elsewhere and I wasn't told - its common courtesy and normal communication...

manticlimactic Sun 18-Nov-12 10:20:26

YANBU if you are just upset that DH didn't tell you. But why didn't he tell you?

Is it because....
YWBU that you would be upset because they were staying somewhere else.

WhenSantaGotStuckUpACunnyFunt Sun 18-Nov-12 10:24:34

I know it is DP at fault, I'm not blaming MIL at all, it's not like she did it on the sly, she told DP, and he didn't think to tell me.

Summerblaze Sun 18-Nov-12 10:31:25

Sorry. Wrong end of the stick. So you wasn't bothered that she had stayed there but that you hadn't been told.

Thought it was another MIL bashing thread. The fault was definitely your DH. Did he forget to tell you or did he mean to keep it from you.

If he forget then YABU. Easily done but need to say that he needs to make more of an effort to remember. If he kept it from you then YANBU.

WhenSantaGotStuckUpACunnyFunt Sun 18-Nov-12 10:32:58

I wouldn't have minded if I had been told, she had a lovely sleepover with her cousin who is 7 weeks younger than her.

I don't know why he didn't tell me, I just think it didn't occur to him to.

Loobylou222 Sun 18-Nov-12 10:35:59

You definately had a right to know where your dd was!
I would be really annoyed if I was in that situation.
You should know where your children are at all times, do you get in with mil?
I get along really well with mine so she would have told me even if oh didn't.

squeakytoy Sun 18-Nov-12 10:37:36

If he knew you wouldnt have minded, he probably just didnt even think it was a big deal and worth mentioning..

Summerblaze Sun 18-Nov-12 10:40:13

In that case YANBU to be a little annoyed and he needs to know that it isn't right to not tell you.

No harm has been done but if it happened again I would be fuming. Its not about where she is but the fact that he doesn't think it is important to tell her mother where she is.

ChippingInLovesAutumn Sun 18-Nov-12 10:43:16

I don't know why he didn't tell me, I just think it didn't occur to him to

Really, it doesn't warrant any more than saying 'DH, I'm upset that you didn't think to tell me. I'd rather know where DD is when she isn't with me, so can you please remember how important it is to me in the future'.

Frankly, I think you are over reacting with regards to that anyway, if you trust the person they are with to look after them, you really don't need to know where they are 24/7.

wannaBe Sun 18-Nov-12 10:44:06

op, if the situation was reversed and you knew the dc were sleeping elsewhere, would you have told him?

I'm not entirely sure I agree with this concept of people "should know where their children are at all times," I think it's something that comes up in conversation yes i.e. if granny takes the kids to the park/the shops/the zoo/<insert place of choice>, but surely as long as you know "who" the children are with at all times, it's a bit precious to need too know the ins and outs of their exact movements at every given moment.. IMO

If you trust the people who are looking after your children then what's the big deal really?

Not knowing that granny has spontaneously decided to take a child to visit nearby cousins, or to a nearby park etc. during the day is totally different from not knowing where your child is sleeping. Not being bothered where your child is sleeping seems a bit odd to me, although of course as long as they atay in the care of the trustworthy adult you believe is caring for them it is not terrible - if the child were farmed out to another adult overnight that would be worse.

Of course if the situation were reversed the father would be told by the mother that the child were sleeping elsewhere. I can't believe people think its normal this would slip somebody's mind... Do couples not talk to each other in so many houses, or are the kids so out of sight out of mind that something like that wouldn't come up in conversation?

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