Advanced search

To find this whole situation a bit odd and confusing (long).

(19 Posts)
superstarheartbreaker Sun 18-Nov-12 00:16:28

My mum died a year ago of cancer and she wanted my dad to find someone new. One of my best mate's mums (and she is also a good friend of mine) took a fancy to him and they are now together. She is a lovely lady and I am glad he is with her rather than anyone else but there a few things taht I am finding a bit hard to get my head around. My mum had only been gone 5 or 6 months when they started flirting and I wish they'd left it a bit longer. I feel a bit annoyed with her as she knew me well but didn't really stop to think how the short lapse of tiome since mum's death would affect me and my sister. I am annoyed with my dad for the same reason. All of this I would find easier to accept if it wasn't my dad's general attitude towards me. We had a lovely night tonight watching a carnival. At the end of the night I had a minor argument with my dad about something I can't even remember and he said 'thanks for ruining his night' in front of his girl friend. This made me see red as he knew damn well he's had a good night and I basically feel that I'm an inconvenience to him whereas his girl friend is someone he REALLY loves. I told him in no uncertain terms that I was not respeonsible for ruining his ENTIRE evening. When they first got together they were always coming round to my house together to babysit without even considering that I might find it a bit odd that I may find it wierd. It was just so soon after mum had died. I never get to spend any time with him any more it is always them together which is ok as mabe we shouldn't spend much time together anyways as we all need our own lives. I wa srecently broekn hearted and instead of asking me how I was directly he asked his gf how I was. I was angry with her as she basically told me to stop moaning about my heart break. Her dd and i are good mates but once after they ahd got together I told her that my mum used to hate it when my dad worked weekends to which she replied 'my mum dosn't mind...' Agggggrrr! Her mum is not better than my mum! I am glad they are together but for some reason I am also annoyed by it all. If it wasn't for my dd I don't think dad would be that interested in me. I want to move to London just to get away from it all and also to find decent work. I guess i just find it a bit.......incestuous.

OpheliaPayneAgain Sun 18-Nov-12 00:20:46

My dad got together witha family friend 4 months after my mother died suddenly. women weep, mem marry is an old phrase regarding spousal death.

It is difficult but I had to step back and realise I was the child, he is the parent and I had no right to manage his life or have an opinion on his private life. FWIW Step-mum made my Dad very happy in his final years, and for that I am eternally grateful.

TheDetective Sun 18-Nov-12 00:21:05

First of all, I'm very sorry for the loss of your mum - to lose a mother is one of the worst life experiences.

But you are being unreasonable, just a little.

I won't say anything harsh, as I don't like upsetting people generally, but I think you need to accept this relationship and move on with that part of your life - not saying you need to move on from the loss of your mother, but to move on from seeing this woman as a negative thing in your dads life.

superstarheartbreaker Sun 18-Nov-12 00:21:25

But what I also find hard is taht I am supposed to be jolly happy for them and I am but I am also not happy. Mixed feelings. But tonight I really did feel like I was an obstacle to my dad's happiness.

superstarheartbreaker Sun 18-Nov-12 00:23:10

I see her as a very positive thing but I do see his attitude towarsd me very negative. I am not going to take responsibility for ruining someone's evening for disagreeing with them about something very trivial at the end of a night. He also said it in front of his girl friend which I find very annoying.

superstarheartbreaker Sun 18-Nov-12 00:24:33

My sister has taken it harder and has not met his gf but she has siad she is not going to accept it yet basically. :-(

Alisvolatpropiis Sun 18-Nov-12 00:25:33

I think you are still grieving,grief is not reasonable. Your mum passed away very recently in the great scheme of things. So I can understand why,though you're happy for your dad objectively,subjectively you're finding hard. That's pretty normal I think.

I think widowers are far more inclined to start a new relationship quite quickly,it's a noted behaviour. So I don't think that it means he didn't love your mum or intentionally disrespected her memory.

Your mates mum perhaps could have been a little slower off the mark though.

Basically I think that both you and your dad are still grieving. Neither of you are "wrong" really. Perhaps have a chat with him in a non-confrontational way of arrange to spend time with him without his partner for the time being?

TheDetective Sun 18-Nov-12 00:26:01

But surely that is just opinion - you have yours and he has his. You both have a right to an opinion.

MagicHouse Sun 18-Nov-12 00:27:09

I think you're in a really difficult situation, in that your reaction is entirely normal, but he also has a right to get on with his life and find happiness with someone else.
I don't think your feelings are being taken into consideration really by him or your friend. You're grieving for your mum, and I think you need support to deal with that. You probably also feel a bit like you're losing your dad really soon after losing your mum. It must be incredibly difficult. Is there anyone else you can talk it through with - or failing that could you try counselling?

superstarheartbreaker Sun 18-Nov-12 00:29:22

I think I am a bit annoyed at my mate's mum deep down as she really made a play for him being very flirty etc. And for some reason on some level I find that hard. She has been very nice and visited mum's grave though which is nice. But it is my father's reluctance to acceptv that my sister and I find it hard that I also find annoying. When he told my dsis he said to me she was happy when in reality it was quite the opposite. He also wanted to tell my mum's mum which my sister and I find deeply unecessary and inappropriate.

superstarheartbreaker Sun 18-Nov-12 00:30:19

I am fed up with having councelling because the various people in my life have not been arsed to think of my feelings. Aggggrrrr!

hatesponge Sun 18-Nov-12 00:31:00

I'm so sorry for your loss and can imagine how hard you must find it.

My dad never even looked at another woman after my mum died, she was the love of his life and he said that he could never be interested in anyone else.

If he had started a new relationship as quickly as your dad, I would have found it incredibly upsetting, and really struggled with it.

I'm sorry I have no advice, other than that you may find a little distance will help you incoming to terms with it - I think it might be easier without it being so close at hand if that makes sense?

superstarheartbreaker Sun 18-Nov-12 00:33:14

I know this is really horrid of me but I hope that my sister gives them a harder time than I have and I know she will. I have been very unsdesratnding but she will be as cold as ice. OK; I'm horrid I know but I think they do need to think. But also my sister needs to accept that dad has to find happiness so mixed feelings all round.

5dcsinneedofacleaner Sun 18-Nov-12 01:12:47

Yanbu to be upset. My mum died when I was 17, my dad had a new woman moving in just a few months later . My sister and I were heartbroken ( my sis was only 14). His behaviour was shocking he suddenly seemed to see my sister and I as an annoying reminder of our mum. Our very presence upset him and it may very well be the same for your father. Yes it's grief but I'm sad to say it destroyed my fathers relationship with his children. 12 years later there is very little relationship to speak of we speak rarely and see him about once a year for a few hours . He's now getting divorced for the second time since my mum died and already moved on to someone new.

MakeItALarge Sun 18-Nov-12 01:46:08

Sorry for you loss sad Yanbu to be upset by this, I cant begin to imagine how horrible it must be to lose your Mum.

I dont think your dad id being unreasonable though, he is just 'moving on' in his own way and it sounds like he is being insensitive of yours and your sisters feelings. Could you sit down with your df and his gf and explain how you feel?

Tell them you are happy for them but its still very raw and hard for you to see another woman in your mothers place, and while you like his gf you would also like to spend time just with your father, rather than them together. Hopefully she will understand, even if your dad doesnt

NoraGainesborough Sun 18-Nov-12 08:10:38

I don't think either of you are unreasonable.
Its a difficult situation and neither of you is 'wrong'
Although I have to admit I think you are being harsh on this womans dd. She only said her mum doesn't mind him working weekends. I don't mind my dh working weekends. Doesn't make anyone better than anyone else. Just different.

DowntonTrout Sun 18-Nov-12 09:10:18

"I am fed up with having councelling because the various people in my life have not been arsed to think of my feelings. "

This really struck a chord with me. However the point of counselling is to learn to deal with your own feelings. The one thing it taught me was to let go of those things I can't control or change, like other peoples actions, and to focus on my own actions or reactions.

I hope I am not being harsh, I don't mean to be, and I can understand your feelings. But it seems like you are rather confused. On the one hand you like this woman and say you are happy for your father, but on the other you seem resentful of the speed it happened and resentful of the time they spend together.

Grief is a funny thing. Everyone reacts and copes with it in their own way. Your father probably just wanted some joy and comfort in his life. You Are struggling with the loss of your mother and can't understand how he has moved on so quickly. The thing to try and remember is that he is grieving too and this is probably just his way of coping.

You have made some very positive comments about this woman which leads me to think that you like her. It doesn't sound like she is trying to step into your mums shoes- Just to be a partner for your dad. I hope you manage to work through your feelings and come to a kind of peace. I am very sorry for your loss.

highlandcoo Sun 18-Nov-12 09:18:39

I am very sorry for the loss of your mum.

As she died of cancer, I am guessing that maybe you all had some warning that your mum wasn't going to recover from her illness? And so your dad will have done some of his grieving in advance of her death, so what feels like a very short time is a bit longer in some ways .. if that makes sense.

Your mum sounds like a lovely lady. Remember that she loved your dad and wanted him to be happy .. so he hasn't gone against her wishes. I think your dad will find it hard to hear that you are finding the situation difficult, because that suggests that he's done something wrong, but if his new partner is a nice person, as you say, I would try to have a chat with her. Just to say that you are pleased that your dad is happy but that it's hard sometimes to see someone in your mum's place .. even though you really like her. Just talking about it honestly might help.

To be honest, I think most of us would feel the same .. I have friends who are lovely reasonable people who've said very similar things.. and these are friends in their fifties, and it still hurts.

No easy answers here but I think time will help you adjust to the situation.

chocoluvva Sun 18-Nov-12 14:11:44

What a horrible, difficult situation to be in.
5 months is a very short while time after your mum died. Your dad is distracting himself from his grief with your friend's mum. He is possibly terrified of the prospect of being on his own. I'm sure he isn't meaning to hurt you.
Your feelings are still very raw, understandably. I agree with Highlandcoo and MagicHouse (except for the counselling).
It's easy for other people to tell you that you must accept the new relationship. It sounds like you do accept it but that doesn't mean you have to be glad about it. It might last - it might not. It's very unfortunate that your DF and his friend are being insensitive. Try to hold on to the idea that your DF is probably not completely in his normal frame of mind and be kind to yourself at this difficult time.
A few more months might make a lot of difference to the way you (and your DH) feel.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now