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Sigh. I have to stick a wooden spoon up dh's arse, don't I?

(326 Posts)
HoneyDragon Sat 17-Nov-12 21:40:34

For 11 years of marriage I have put up with his pathological need to stir what ever is bubbling in a pan. I can live with it.

But he waited till I was out with the dog, and BUTCHERED my chicken into a shredded stringy globby mess!

He had clearly chopped it with the spoon then bashed and shredded it and stirred it into fuckery oblivion. Rendering a dish where you should have had a choice of leg or breast into Chicken and Paprika porridge. Because "It's better that way". The lid did not need lifting, the pan did not need stirring. The dc's were presented with a favourite meal and instead both gave me WTAF is this confused faces.

AIBU to think he you shouldn't fuck with another persons poultry like an obsessive spoonyfucker?

hiviolet Sat 17-Nov-12 22:08:30

Hide all the stirring implements! There's simply no other option.

Bluestocking Sat 17-Nov-12 22:08:55

Actually, thinking about it, my DP has a bit of the spoony fucker about him. I always make rice by the absorption method, and when we first lived together I had to read the riot act about not lifting the lid off and giving the rice a jolly good Helpful Stir.

SchroSawMummyRidingSantaClaus Sat 17-Nov-12 22:13:29

It's not that easy to leave things that are boiling without stirring them, y'know! If you know it is boiling it plays with your mind, it needs to be stirred!!

Needless to say, I am shite at cooking.

HoneyDragon Sat 17-Nov-12 22:14:13

NamingofParts. You really haven't seen spoonyfucker stir. He jabs, batters and hammers. The chicken stood no chance sad

I was next to the egg at the time using the toaster. You do not expect people to stir a poaching egg. You just don't.

It has taken YEARS to explain how the slow cooker works. And that you DON'T LIFT THE LID AND STIR.

SchroSawMummyRidingSantaClaus Sat 17-Nov-12 22:16:11

And re: poaching an egg.

You dunk the egg in the water and stir the water... How do you people poach eggs?

HoneyDragon Sat 17-Nov-12 22:20:23

Get the water rolling and poach. At no point do I vigouoursly and violently stir. Thats what spoonyfuckers do.

HoratiaWinwood Sat 17-Nov-12 22:21:22

You stir it first like a lunatic then gently drop the at-room-temperature egg into the swirl. Then leave it the fuck alone.

HoneyDragon Sat 17-Nov-12 22:22:29

I'm getting flash backs

<<mourns poor egg>>

SchroSawMummyRidingSantaClaus Sat 17-Nov-12 22:26:51

Oh... That might explain why I'm not great at poaching eggs.

It is really hard to stop yourself though, I boiled eggs yesterday and have to actually leave the room to stop myself from stirring it.

HoneyDragon Sat 17-Nov-12 22:29:11

Schroed are you a spoonyfucker? Do you want to come out? We can help you, you know.

BloominMarvellous Sat 17-Nov-12 22:34:42

Spoonyfucker will be DP's new name.

It drives me crazy!!!!!!

SchroSawMummyRidingSantaClaus Sat 17-Nov-12 22:35:33

I'm not coming out in fear of getting a spoon up the arse. grin

YoullScreamAboutItOneDay Sat 17-Nov-12 22:38:10

I thought my DH was a bit of a spoonyfucker. But nothing in this league. This is hilarious.

BarredfromhavingStella Sat 17-Nov-12 22:39:06

Stirrers, so fucking irritating-get your own fucking pot & stay the fuck away from mine angry

Yes, shove the spoon right where the sun don't shine.

ScoobieDooo Sat 17-Nov-12 22:42:56

DH is more of a cookerknobfucker than a spoonyfucker - "I've just turned that pan down for you" - cheers, that's why it isn't boiling any more

HoneyDragon Sat 17-Nov-12 22:45:17

Is a really that hard to let another person cook. Is it.

hank god dh isn't a cookerknobfucker too. He'd be dead.

HoneyDragon Sat 17-Nov-12 22:45:34

Thank God.

SchroSawMummyRidingSantaClaus Sat 17-Nov-12 22:45:44

I have my own pot and still get moaned at for it...

openerofjars Sat 17-Nov-12 22:46:01

DH walked up to my cake mix,into which I had just lovingly folded the sieved flour, and beat all the sodding air out of it. So I killed him. Was that wrong?

You have my sympathies: it is hard living with a spoonyfucker.

Beachcomber Sat 17-Nov-12 22:47:13

Oooh I'm so glad to see this thread. My mum does this.

Yunno when you are reducing something? And you have to leave it alone until it starts a good simmer so that the liquid comes to the surface and boils off without overcooking the ingredients?

Well, along comes my mum and stirs all the liquid back into the dish.

Drives Me Mad.

freddiefrog Sat 17-Nov-12 22:47:19

DH is like this with rice. He's got some compulsive thing about stirring rice until you're left with a saucepan of sticky white mush. Just leave it the fuck alone!

It's only ever rice. Never feels the urge to interfere when it's something else boiling over all over the hob (ie the jam I was making and forgot about after getting into a phone conversation with my mother - he just stood there and watched it erupt all over the bloody kitchen)

minouminou Sat 17-Nov-12 22:48:33

I have very disturbing images of Spoonyfucker, with wooden spoon in rectum, STILL managing to stir pots. Such is his need to stir.....

Make sure you shove it up his bum with the bowl of the spoon leading, won't you, OP.

ExitPursuedByABrrrrrrr Sat 17-Nov-12 22:48:53

YABU for cooking chicken on the hob within spoonyfucker range.

Did it have bones?

Having said that, my DH never dares go anywhere near the Aga, except to clean it.

I have cooker rage.

IceNoSlice Sat 17-Nov-12 22:50:23

"obsessive spoonyfucker" grin

HoneyDragon Sat 17-Nov-12 22:51:16

No. I jointed and boned the chicken <<idiot>>

I left him supervising his children. The dinner was able to take care of itself.

He is a spoonyfucker child neglecter.

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