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Sigh. I have to stick a wooden spoon up dh's arse, don't I?

(326 Posts)
HoneyDragon Sat 17-Nov-12 21:40:34

For 11 years of marriage I have put up with his pathological need to stir what ever is bubbling in a pan. I can live with it.

But he waited till I was out with the dog, and BUTCHERED my chicken into a shredded stringy globby mess!

He had clearly chopped it with the spoon then bashed and shredded it and stirred it into fuckery oblivion. Rendering a dish where you should have had a choice of leg or breast into Chicken and Paprika porridge. Because "It's better that way". The lid did not need lifting, the pan did not need stirring. The dc's were presented with a favourite meal and instead both gave me WTAF is this confused faces.

AIBU to think he you shouldn't fuck with another persons poultry like an obsessive spoonyfucker?

thepeanutsparent Wed 21-Nov-12 07:07:43

Spoonyfucker with an extra added flourish to make me rage. DH lifts all the lids, ESPECIALLY on the steamer, and rice. He spoony fucks them and then BANGS SPOON AGAINST THE RIM of pot to get sauce or whatever off. With the result that it splatters all over the kitchen. Arrrrrrghhh!!!!

TobyLerone Wed 21-Nov-12 07:30:40

This thread gives me the rage.

I was open-mouthed in shock at it last night, relaying all stories of fuckery to DP.

He says that his rule in the kitchen is: "don't touch ANYTHING unless specifically asked to do so".

It works like a charm. Perhaps he could give lessons.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Wed 21-Nov-12 07:58:19

Peanuts, get a spoon rest or spoon stand. I realise this is enabling behaviour but might save the mess.

Alternatively, make the splattyfucker lick up all the mess.

Bluestocking Wed 21-Nov-12 08:00:01

At college, I shared a house with a currypowderfucker. She used to add curry powder to EVERYTHING she cooked, and would try surreptitiously to add it to other people's cooking.

Bluestocking Wed 21-Nov-12 08:00:30

LOL at "splattyfucker"!

thepeanutsparent Wed 21-Nov-12 08:16:17

doctrine I've got a spoon rest. It's very brightly coloured and right next to the cooker. After he splatterfucks he usually sets spoon down right next to special stand leaving a little puddle of sauce <weeps>.

Tobes - earlier on in the thread, I suggested that MNHQ should be running courses at the MN Academy on' How not to be a spoonyfucker or any other sort of fucker' - it sounds like your DP would be an ideal tutor. Though he might have to simplify the lessons quite a lot for some of the fuckers on this thread.

My dses are splattyfuckers. They can't even put stuff in the bin without splatting it up the wall. However, they are also blindtoanysplattsfuckers, so never see the mess they make - otherwise they would wipe it up straight away, before it went hard and stained everywhere, wouldn't they?? grin

TobyLerone Wed 21-Nov-12 08:31:01

He really would. Although maybe they'd turn on him for being a lickarsefucker.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Wed 21-Nov-12 08:57:03

Oh peanuts sad, then there is no hope.

Kill him.

HoneyDragon Wed 21-Nov-12 10:13:22

grin mr Wank recovering spoonyfucker grin

WankbadgersBreakfast Thu 22-Nov-12 07:05:10

Yes, HoneyDragon, recovering spoonyfucker. He spoonyfucked once too often. I voiced my displeasure in especially high and dulcet tones, and he is now in recovery.
Sometimes I see his hands itch.

PessaryPam Thu 22-Nov-12 08:54:45

Mr Pessary is a Turkeyfucker.

Many years ago I was planning a nice traditional roast turkey Christmas lunch for the just us and the DCs as I was feeling low over death of DM. I popped upstairs to see to DCs and when I came back he had skinned the turkey and covered it with pineapple rings and put the skin back on!


All I wanted was a simple Christmas lunch like DM used to make. So I walked out and spent an hour sitting on a park bench on Christmas morning sobbing my heart out.

He never did turkeyfuckery again. But he still does want to try every weird cheffy combo he can find on other meats confused

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Thu 22-Nov-12 09:08:30

God Pessary that's the worst so far!

TobyLerone Thu 22-Nov-12 09:35:43

What the actual fuck?

Your turkeyfucker should be killed. I'm not even joking.


Thanks for confirming my worst fears that a chainsaw / pruneyfucker combo is a very very bad idea.

DH is a bit of a whyusethebinwhentheworktopwilldofucker as well. The bin is less than 2 feet away so why is the banana skin on the work surface.

Mind you I have to admit to being an offeringhelpfuladvicewhenitisn'tneededfucker blush
I believe one of the MN terms for this is helpiness.


oopslateagain Thu 22-Nov-12 10:25:38

DH is a gardenfucker. Grass should be half an inch long, even in the summer when it needs to be a bit longer or it will die off into sad brown spikes. And don't get me started on the day I had pruned the miniature roses - six of them, edging the front of the lawn - just before he cut the grass. He mowed them. Seriously. They were six tiny shredded stumps. He claims he didn't even see them - despite them having been growing there for the past two years.

HelloDoris Thu 22-Nov-12 10:33:05

My DP is not only a useeverypaninthecupboardfucker, he's a don'tchangethetoiletrollwhenitsemptyfucker and a stepovereverythinginsteadofpickingitupfucker.

But his worst by far is waveyfucker, we're out in the car (I'm driving) we get to a point where car allows me to pass through and before I've even managed to get through the gap he's waving like a loon next to me. When questioned its to save me time?!? I've been driving for 16years I can signal my thanks and drive at the same time I don't need his help. Drives me mad!

PessaryPam Thu 22-Nov-12 11:14:14

Oooh Doris I've just realised I'm a waveyfucker too sad

All my family are DontFillTheBritaWaterJugFuckers too. I have a mission to ensure the jug is filled at all time so I don't have to wait so long for my tea, our tap water is vile.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds Thu 22-Nov-12 11:23:20

Hello. My name is Hearts and my mum is a surfacewiperyfucker.

She cannot let one crumb or speck of dust fall in the kitchen or dining room without pouncing on it. Floor, worktops, cooker, tables, chair seats must all be in pristine, shiney wiped newness condition AT ALL TIMES even when in the middle of cooking dinner. She will move pots and pans off the hob, turn off the heat just so she can wipe up the splatters. Pan goes back on the heat, splatters a bit more, off it comes, wipe wipe wipe. DBro was barbecuing last summer and kept coming in and out of the kitchen door, tracking in a minute amount of dust and grass clippings onto the kitchen floor(DF is like oopslateagain's DH, a gardenfucker who mows the shit out of the lawn at any given opportunity) every couple of minutes. And every couple of minutes there is my DM, almost 70 years old, down on her hands and knees, wiping the floor free of the detritus that only she can see.

Me: "Mum, why not leave that til DBro is finished cooking, then wipe it up all at once at the end?"
Mum: "Oh no, I couldn't possibly leave it. You can't just leave it. What if the cleanliness police come around?" <head explodes at thought of leaving something dirty for 2.5 seconds>

oopslateagain Thu 22-Nov-12 11:51:28

Ooh, my mum is a wiperyfucker too. Except she does't just do it in her house, she does it any time she's sitting at a table or leaning on a counter, inanybody's house. She uses her sleeve or the hem of her top if there isn't a teatowel immediately at hand. (I think there's a wee touch of OCD about it tbh)

SoMuchToBits Thu 22-Nov-12 11:52:42

Ah, MrBits is a Don'tFillTheBritaWaterJugFucker too. So annoying when I have to wait for the water to filter through before I can even put the kettle on!

And he is a PutItNextToNotInFucker too - he will put his shoes next to the shoe rack, the tin of biscuits next to the cupboard, the dirty cup next to the dishwasher, but not actually in. Because that would obviously be far too sensible!

BegoniaBigtoes Thu 22-Nov-12 11:54:30

I have the opposite problem OP! My DP hates wooden spoons with a passion and has a hissy fit if I use them for stirring food hmm because he's the one who does the dishes, and he doesn't like washing wooden spoons (even in the dishwasher confused).

I still use them, but at least I don't find him mashing my chicken grin

Poledra Thu 22-Nov-12 11:56:08

DH is a spoonyfucker. I have remonstrated with him about this many time - sadly, he now sees it as a challenge to spoonyfuck with my cooking without getting caught. Just the other night, I was making a pasta sauce which required simmering to thicken - I went out of the room to speak to one of the children and heard a gleeful 'Omigod, an unattended pan!' However, at least he only requires to have a tiny stir to make his victory complete, and the sauce did require occasional stirring.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds Thu 22-Nov-12 12:55:46

oopslateagain - OCD tendencies definitely. Definitely. Mine too will wipe everything, everywhere, at any time.

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