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feel let down by DH again.

(25 Posts)
ilikelongnaps Sat 17-Nov-12 18:38:48

I posted a week ago about my DH changing his plans with his kids so I couldn't go out. I just wanted to ask her if IABU before he returns.

DH and I moved here about a yr ago, its a 30 min drive from where we were before which was about a 5 min drive from where his ex lives. We moved here just before DD was born as its a bigger house and cheaper and made perfect sense to us. Before we moved DH and his ex always split the picking up/dropping off DSDs (10 and 11) but in the whole year since we've been here ex has dropped off/picked up maybe 5 times.

DH keeps moaning about how he feels like he's doing all the running about and I say to suggest making it fairer to ex. When we moved here first he asked if she could collect once and she said no as he chose to move away from the area which he accepted and that's how things have been ever since.

Our DD is 10moths and i had a sleepless night with her last night so DH said he'd get his ex to collect DSDs tonight so he could be here to do bathtime and bedtime which he almost always misses during the week as the girls have clubs etc to go to. I've had a grizzly DD and bored DSD2 all afternoon as DSD1 was at a party. He said he'd be no later than 5:30 and then turned up at 6:15 and announces he's taking the girls back as their mum has her friend over.

AIBU to be a bit annoyed that I am yet again bottom of the pile? For once i want him to stand up to her and tell her that while its great that she has a friend over he has promised his DW a break and he has a DD at home who deserves his attention too.

RandomMess Sat 17-Nov-12 18:41:22

I do see your point of view but he did move away why should she do more running around for something that has been imposed on her? Is she the resident parent, how often does DH see the DDs?

MrsTomHardy Sat 17-Nov-12 18:43:54

Sorry but YABU
He moved away

ilikelongnaps Sat 17-Nov-12 18:45:35

Every other weekend officially but they usually come every weekend too just for the day or couple of hrs. He sees them 3x in the week picks them up from school takes them to hockey and ballet.

Im not suggesting she does as much as him but just once in awhile.

Maybe i am bu but im exhausted and feeling the pressure of a dd who will not sleep right now and then is grizzly and unhappy during the day and im losing my mind! he said he'd help and i just feel deflated that he's gone out again.

lunar1 Sat 17-Nov-12 18:49:49

You chose to have a baby and move away, as hard as it is I think that means your dh should do the driving.

I did however read your last thread, a 1 he drive with baby in the car seat would be a great chance for you to sleep or have a soak in the bath.

lunar1 Sat 17-Nov-12 18:50:46

1 hour even!

RandomMess Sat 17-Nov-12 18:51:40

Yep I agree get him to take the baby along sometimes and it wouldn't kill him to ask his ask if she could help out once in a while but accept it graciously if she says no. Unfortunately it seems that you didn't think it though that moving away would have these consequences.

Bogeyface Sat 17-Nov-12 18:52:20

I am afraid that this goes with the territory when you are with someone with kids, especially when you and him were the ones that decided to move away. Sorry that you are feeling so tired but YABU.

Bogeyface Sat 17-Nov-12 18:55:29

i just feel deflated that he's gone out again.

Thats a bit unfair too, he hasnt gone out in the sense that most people understand it, he is taking his DD's home. If he was out with his mates chucking beer up his face then you would have a point, but taking his daughters back to their mother is hardly a social event.

MouseyHousey Sat 17-Nov-12 19:05:40

Im afraid YABU, you chose to move away from his ex, why should she have to travel?
I say this from the other end of the situation as well.. Me and DH moved an hour an a half away from my eldest DDs father. It is my responsibility to take her for visitation as it was our choice to move so far away.
That doesnt mean I enjoy all the travelling or taking my 2yr old DD on a 3 hour round trip to drop eldest DD off every other weekend but thats the consequence of where we chose to live.
I think the best you could hope for is offer petrol money for her to come and get them sometimes but I think shes well within her rights to insist you DH continue to do all travel.

StaceeJaxx Sat 17-Nov-12 19:05:54

Why couldn't he take your dd out with him today whilst he also had the DSDs? confused can't he look after all his children at once?

schobe Sat 17-Nov-12 19:11:07

You're not bottom of the pile. He's just stepping up to his responsibilities as a father. This bodes well for your DD, he sounds ok.

GrimAndHumourless Sat 17-Nov-12 19:12:15

I'm with Stacee, why can't the the baby be popped in the car for the pickups/drop offs?

If I'm reading the OP right, you were in charge of DSD2 today, DSD1 was at a party, where was DH?

NoraGainesborough Sat 17-Nov-12 19:18:46

I think he does need to do some prioritising, based on the last thread.

However yabu. He decided to move because it suited YOU as a couple. It would be unfair for her to have to go out of her way.

Also i think its a bit out of order to assume that she will change plans (ie friend coming over) because you have had a bad night with dd. I get that its hard at the moment, but she shouldn't be expected to change plans last minute. Unless its an emergency.

I also understand that you feel deflated. But you chose to marry and have a child with a man that already has children. While that's a perfectly valid choice, you have to accept that most decisions you make about logistics etc are made with more people to bare in mind. Alot of your decisions will impact his ex and his children.

When me and dh make a decision we just need to decide for us and our kids. you have a whole other group to think about. It must be hard. But its what you signed up for.

Is there some sort of counseling you could do to help you and your dh to compromise and be at peace with the situation? Or are there such things as support groups for step parents?
I have never been a step parent so don't know, but I have been the step child and remember the toing and froing over decisions.

BeauNeidel Sat 17-Nov-12 19:30:01

YABU, the person that moves away should do the bulk of the running around after the children, regardless of how many of your own children you have.

I agree though, put the baby in the car with him and have some time by yourself!

ilikelongnaps Sat 17-Nov-12 20:29:04

OK I guess IABU!!

Thanks for the replies, honestly.

We've been married for almst 4 yrs and none of this was ever an issue before and I'm not sure if its DDs arrival or our house move that everythings come to a head. I guess I'm just feeling sorry for myself as were in a new area that neither of us know very well even though its nearly been a year and i feel like im stuck here with the baby while DH goes 'home' and i know he's not off on a social but i just feel a bit lonely.

So thanks again everyone for your replies. It's like a virtual kick up the bum to stop feeling so sorry for myself!

NoraGainesborough Sat 17-Nov-12 20:32:27

I'm not sure if its DDs arrival or our house move that everythings come to a head.

I think its both. A new baby takes up alot of time and you have added an extra hour on to every visit. I am not saying you shouldn't have moved, but that you should have expected it or at least considered this when deciding to move.

But I think we all feel a bit lonely sometimes.

RandomMess Sat 17-Nov-12 20:46:55

Sounds like the impact of having a child is been a bit of a shock, you really can't predict how much it changes everthing - the tiredness alone!! If you need more support see what can be changed, could he drop one of the afternoon lifts he does for a couple of months best of all would be if he took the baby with him perhaps?

Is his relationship good enough with ex to ask for some help temporarily with the lifts?

RVPisnomore Sat 17-Nov-12 20:53:26

I personally disagree that he should do the running around and would suggest that if the ex was the one to move away and your DH took the same attitude he would get royally flamed on here.

She should do her bit even if it was once a month.

In fairness to your DH he sounds like a good guy that he does do this to see his children even if he is being taken advantage of.

Allonsy Sat 17-Nov-12 21:00:08

agree with pp both should compromise and do a fair share of running around for the sake of the children. Yes he chose to move but thats life people split, move on and sometimes have to move. Im sure if she one day decided to move she would still expect him to make the effort for the childrens sake

NoraGainesborough Sat 17-Nov-12 21:03:19

I disagree with RVP.

My sip moved her dd away from her ex (dds dad) and she did all the running backwards and forwards. When she moaned I agreed with the ex.

MayTheOddsBeEverInYourFavour Sat 17-Nov-12 21:08:29

Well I think YANBU

I don't think his ex should be doing the running around but I don't see why he can't help more with your dd. He has three children now not two and they are (or bloody well should be) equally important. Theres no reason he can't take her in the car to do the drop offs and then put her to bed when he gets back

BegoniaBampot Sat 17-Nov-12 21:12:42

'Im not suggesting she does as much as him but just once in awhile. ' Surely as the resident parent she does do most of the parenting and running round for the children though. I think your just feeling tired and a bit lonely what with the baby and the move. Hope you're feeling better soon.

drcrab Sat 17-Nov-12 21:22:17

Sorry but YABU. My bil moved countries from his children and ex and set up home here. My new sil got upset when he flew back to their country to bring the kids back here for a visit because she thought he was still in love with his ex wife. hmm the kids were too young to fly by themselves and the ex w didn't want to fly over. On another occasion when ex w did fly over with kids to bring them on a visit with their dad, and my inlaws offered to house her, new sil went ballistic too. Well. You can't have it both ways!!

New sil is rather self absorbed anyway and hardly concerns herself about anything unless it affects her. (Separate other thread!)

drcrab Sat 17-Nov-12 21:22:54

Whoops. Sorry for the slight hijack there!! blush

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