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Someone else buying your daughter her first bra!!!

(99 Posts)
bamboozled Sat 17-Nov-12 17:36:09

Am I over thinking this (I think not but...) to be incandescent with rage that my ex husbands girlfriend bought my daughter her first bra...
She went for a mid week overnight visit, as usual in her crop top - aged 11, nearly 12 and came home in her first bra that the girlfriend saw fit to buy her without any discussion with me or my daughter... She didn't even mention it to her, just took away her crop top that night and left a bra on her school uniform for her to wear the next day... I am so hurt - there are some things you only do with your mother - surely

bamboozled Sat 17-Nov-12 22:15:28

My dd is in year 7 and her class don't all wear bras - and that's the point - it didn't fit...
I don't have a problem with her wearing one -if she needs it!

DeWe Sat 17-Nov-12 22:24:29

My dd's in year 7 and she wears a crop top. She'd be really upset if someone (even me) decided she was to wear a bra and didn't consult her.

She'd probably have chosen to go without anything rather than wear a bra she didn't like.

SuePurblybiltbyElves Sat 17-Nov-12 22:28:44

Did I miss a post - apologies if this is completely obvious. But how do you know it wasn't the XP, if nothing was said? Could it have been him, and he was too embarrassed to say anything?
Taking away the crop top is batshit either way.

Anonymumous Sat 17-Nov-12 22:35:01

I was too embarrassed to ask my Mum for a bra, so had to resort to hinting quite heavily. When she finally twigged what I was on about she took me... upstairs and gave me one of her old ones. hmm It didn't fit, it was greying and saggy and ancient. Grrr... I am jealous of all you people who got nice new bras bought for them as teenagers, including OP's daughter!

And I bet your Mums didn't look at you blankly when you asked her what a period was either. angry

whizmum Sat 17-Nov-12 22:52:57

I hinted heavily at my mum, being embarrassed.

M&S did not do vests my size, so she bought me a pointelle vest off the market sad

whizmum Sat 17-Nov-12 22:53:56

If the link doesn't work, it is a granny vest.

my first bra was 34C when I was 16 - it didn't fit as I am 32D.

whizmum Sat 17-Nov-12 22:54:54

PS - she only bought that because I used to nick hers for PE

apostropheuse Sat 17-Nov-12 23:04:14

My mum didn't notice when I needed a bra. All the other girls in my class were wearing bras and I was still wearing a vest. It was a conversation I had with my granny that led to her telling my mum that I needed one.

So perhaps it was done with good intentions. Maybe they didn't want to embarrass her, hence the strange switching over of underwear.

Just trying to give the benefit of the doubt - but of course I could be completely wrong!

Marrow Sat 17-Nov-12 23:07:08

My Granddad gave me my first bra for a Christmas present when I was 11! blush I was absolutely mortified when I opened it up in front of everyone. He then made it even worse by telling people that he had had to ask for the smallest size they do in Marks!

Greensleeves Sat 17-Nov-12 23:40:57

I would feel sad about this too, it sounds like you have a lovely relationship with your little girl and buying her fist bra would be something special. But as someone else has said, it still can be - this clumsy attempt by your ex's girlfriend hasn't worked as the bra is inappropriate and your daughter doesn't want to wear it.

fwiw I wish I had had a mum like you who wanted to share things like this with me. When I asked for my first bra she made me pull up my t shirt (in front of her friend and my stepdad and sister) and prodded me, laughing at me and saying "oooh yes, you have got little bumps, but there's nothing there to put in a bra", the cow

Your dd will have lots of lovely memories of mum being there for her. Nobody is going to take that away.

sashh Sun 18-Nov-12 07:10:38

So let me get this right.

DD woke up in the morning, her crop top had disapeared and there was a bra instead.

Didn't she say anything? Hunt for her top? If she doesn't have anything 'up there' why did she need to wear it, couldn't she take it off at school? (sorry I was in a B cup by the time I started secondary so no idea what others wore / wear).

Didn't she say anything to her dad?

fuzzpig Sun 18-Nov-12 07:42:33

She was probably too embarrassed, I would've thought.

CindySherman Sun 18-Nov-12 08:00:46

So what did your ex say about it? He may have asked her to get it.

AmandaCooper Sun 18-Nov-12 08:21:43

I don't think you can go by breast size/development when it comes to whether an eleven your old girl "needs" a bra - surely all that matters is what her peers are wearing and what she wants to wear. You can buy bras that will fit even the flattest of chests.

musicalendorphins Sun 18-Nov-12 08:55:22

From Boundries of The Step Mother
"Discipline them, help them with homework, pick out their clothes, take them where you want and even put them in a class when it is your time but when it comes to things like cutting their hair, piercing their ears, putting feathers in their hair or buying a first bra leave that up to the bio mom or at the very least ask before doing"
Could you send the bra back with a note along the line of that article?

AmandaCooper Sun 18-Nov-12 09:05:56

Putting feathers in their hair?

AmandaCooper Sun 18-Nov-12 09:08:25

Oh ok I just read the link smile

lljkk Sun 18-Nov-12 09:31:13

I must be weird, it totally wouldn't bother me. Only thing I'd feel hmm about was the crop top being taken away. Can't believe anyone makes first bra into something sacred.

Do you all remember when or how you got your first bra? I have No Memory of the Occasion whatsoever.

AmandaCooper Sun 18-Nov-12 10:02:00

I think my mum must have given me one of hers, we certainly didn't have a big shopping trip. It was a non event, but then my mum didn't have to contend with some wannabe-the-hip-young-stepmum encroaching on her patch!

fuzzpig Sun 18-Nov-12 10:46:07

Yes I remember getting my first bra. For me it was really exciting, kind of a rite of passage, and a rare opportunity for bonding with my mum who was very open about that sort of thing smile

Obviously doesn't mean all other mums or daughters feel the same, but it is special to some people.

I think it's easier to get preteen/small and cheap bras now than it was when I got mine (late 90s), I went for a fitting in Debenhams I think, now you can just nip into primark and get a simple bra off the shelf, so it might not be such a big deal.

Moominsummermadness Sun 18-Nov-12 11:25:55

My MIL did this last year. She bought DD1 a pack of 2 bras for Christmas, she was only just 10, and really didn't need them yet. They were bright pink and purple, and PADDED. DD was over the moon, me not quite so much. I didn't say anything to MIL, but compromised with DD by measuring her, and taking her shopping for some white, non-padded ones. She was just as happy with these.


IneedAsockamnesty Sun 18-Nov-12 12:55:06

My mum took me to a shop to get measured and let me pick 4 her only rule was they had to fit and at least 2 had to be suitable for under a white blouse.

Then we went to a cafe for a hot chocolate.

My dad would have been told to naff of if he had of tried to be involved with that sort of thing.b

fuzzpig Sun 18-Nov-12 16:25:23

Moomin I was shock at first when I saw all the preteen padded bras, they weren't available when I was developing. However I have since read several times on here that they can be more comfy and also better as they hide any cold-induced pointiness, IYSWIM! So I think they are more of a comfort thing than a making-boobs-look-bigger thing.

Moominsummermadness Sun 18-Nov-12 17:23:17

fuzz, I can understand that, but these definitely gave her the illusion of having boobs when she didn't yet have any! She also wanted to wear them to school, and the colours showed right through her white school shirts. Totally unsuitable.

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