That BOTH my best friends are *OW* ??!!(99 Posts)
These are adult , educated and intelligent women... who are both wedged firmly in the 'Home wrecking bastards" category for me.. I am trying very hard , after my initial horror/anger at them to avoid discussing it... They are both hellbent however on pressuring me into understanding why they think this is anyhow OK in situ A , the marriage was in serious trouble/separate bedrooms before he met my friend... situ B , same , but still sharing a bed , with two year old child and gf was 8 bloody months pregnant... now apparently , pregnant gf has had several affairs , and there was some question about the two year olds paternity (classy) but not the baby , who is now born...
Imho... both my friends should walk away.. fast If these relationships are to happen , its not out of the wreckage of ( between both situs ) no less than 8 childrens family lives... these two relationships should be in mediation/separation... not fucking other women. I'm so angry with them both , and also worried for them , but mainly angry.... I'm one of the most liberal people on earth , but not on this.
YANBU. Your friends are idiots who've fallen for the oldest lines in the Cheating Cunts Handbook.
The MEN should be walking away fast, the MEN should have never let it happen in the first place. It is the MEN who are the home wrecking bastards.
Personally I would be trying to support my firnds who are also likely to get very fucked over.
How successful are they with men though? I've only been OW once a long long time a go pre-kids in my 20s - briefly - but it was a lack of confidence low self-esteem thing. I think you should worry about 1) your own marriage! and 2) wonder why they both value themselves so poorly that they think this is what they're worth. Labelling them homewrecking bitches is not what a true friend would do imo. You don't know what they've been told. These are your friends. You don't have to say ok I see it your way now! but you shouldn't condemn them imo. Why are they attracted to such crappy men?
How could them be being OW make you unreasonable?
I've no sympathy for them. They know what they're getting into so if they get fucked over than tough.
OP you mention 8 children, does that mean they both have children and are married/in ltr as well?
If they try to bring the subject up just tell them you don't want to talk about it and change the subject.
I can't see past the kids... I lost my first long term relationship to an affair , I said as much to them , I'd never call them anything like that , I'm just frustrated at being cajoled into acceptance... I love them both dearly and am worried for them as they have both had a horrible time with men already... yes , self esteem issues , definitely !
The men they are having the affairs with have 8 children between them...my friends are single , and complaining on both counts of the wives stalking them and giving the men hell... that doesnt sound like in house separation to me...
I've tried changing the subject... one friend is reacting in a slightly crushed way , keeps telling me what a lovley couple they make etc , the other seems not to notice my avoidance of the subject... I made my views clear from the off , but couched it more as concern for them , than anger on behalf of the family they are part of stirring up... maybe I am being unreasonable , they have no idea its causing me to keep my distance a bit... I just cant find the words , I have depression/issues of my own to deal with , and am more than aware that I am less than objective at present...
Do they know about each other? for u, very difficult for you. Have you suffered the fallout from an affair yourself? Can you tell then both that you care about them and will be there when they need you, ( which they will ) but you can't understand or support what they are choosing to do.
Ah, right, it's just that you metioned a 2yr old and a pregnancy so I wasn't too sure how the other 6 fitted in.
I wonder how much of your friend's justifications to you are them trying to convince themselves. All you can do is tell them you don't want to hear about it and they need to respect that. They may be your friends but you don't have to approve of what they're doing or even condone it.
Yes I have , first long term exe left me for my best friend ( at the time) when the kids were three and five... we were having problems , but we might have fixed it if she'd stayed out of it... It took me years to get over it , not sure I ever did tbh. I have already said that Slothlorien , its now dripping into constant pressure for acceptance... I don't trust myself at present not to fire off a rocket if it continues , I shall step back for a bit , but they both call me everyday... I love them to bits , its really hard to ignore that stuff.
The other six are the children of the second man.. the youngest is 11 yes , you are right... its going to need saying again , clearly
YANBU for not wanting to discuss their situations when you don't agree with it and have your own issues.
I wonder why the keep trying to justify it to you?
When it comes to men and love, some women including intelligent ones can be extremely fcking stupid.
I've another friend who has been in an affair for years , but its not an issue particularly for me , apart from her own mental health... Its her choice to be in that situ , and I have no judgement on it , because neither party has children...I support her wholly , the situ is entirely different , her lover is trapped in a violent relationship.
We are intensely close , as friends , it matters to them what I think , and the same in reverse... My own love life is a train wreck , I'm the first to admit that... but NEVER a married man , never when there's kids involved...
The men are to blame in this situation but your friends sound desperate and lacking in self respect.
You'd think 2 single women could manage to pull a couple of single guys for goodness sake.
Are the men rich by any chance?
Nope... they are both madly in love apparently... and both affairs started around the same time , luckily , they are in totally different parts of the country , so the fallout when it comes will not be in the midst of a shared social group/schooling circle etc all on top of each other , iykwim...
Ones even listed herself as in a relationship on facebook.... but his gf , the mother of his new baby is listed as his partner... its like cyber bygamy , and shes setting up alternative profiles to stalk my friend online... I can't say as I blame her tbh.
You could try bluntly asking them again not to talk about that aspect of their lives with you - that you can't support their current behavior but still value them as friends. Otherwise keep changing the subject - I'm sure that message would get through eventually.
You are not going to stop their behavior or be able to save the families involved - so its makeing sure you don't get stucked in to much. If you pass to much judgement you could well lose them as friends long term especailly if they do get into long term relationships with these men.
Distance yourself from them both. Do you need the upset and the anguish caused by what they're doing? They must know your own history, so what they're doing is dredging up all sorts of pain for you. .
I've avoided passing judgement for that very reason... They know I'm worried for them , and that I think its a destructive situation for all involved , that I can't see any possible positive outcome long term... the six children in one scenario will hate her for her role in the dissolution of their family...and the other situ , the gf has made it clear that she will stop him seeing his new baby and the older laddie as soon as she gets whiff of them spending time together... and she means it too... its a trainwreck , on both counts.
While I agree that the men should take the majority of the blame, I do think that any woman who chooses to get involved with a mm, or stay in a relationship with one if they only find out later, should take responsibility for their own behaviour.
OP my sympathy lies with you, with your past history I think they're being very insensitive. I know you're worried about them and want to 'shake them' into waking up to the reality of the situation but there's none so blind as those who will not see. There's nothing you can do except be there for them when they need you.
I don't think its occurred to them Its upsetting for me... I should be able to look beyond my own baggage , but I can't , having held up broken children of my own... who are now adults and see little of , and indeed disrespect their dad for the decisions he made 15 years ago.... the ripple effect lasts for the rest of everyones involved lives...
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