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Please help me understand if I'm being unreasonable

(99 Posts)
Gottomakeachange Sat 17-Nov-12 00:34:13

Please help me get some perspective - I can't see the woods for the trees at the moment. My DH works really long hours, not usually at home until after I've gone to bed during the week & gone early in the morning. He has a demanding job & I'm grateful for the financial security he brings to our family. I don't make any demands on him during the week at all, ever, I make one request which is that he gets home at a decent time on a Friday so he can spend some time with the kids (& me) & we can "start the weekend". I do everything to do with the home & our 3 kids plus I also work, I have just started a new business, I work every day during school hours & then from home when necessary, plus do all the after school clubs, dinners etc etc.

Often on a Friday he "slopes" off to the pub, tonight his train got in at 6.10 but he didn't get home until 7pm (we live 5 mins from station) as he went to the pub to see a friend on the way home. He texted me to say the train would be in at 6.30-7 depending on how quickly it got home as it was going a bit slow?!?!! When I smelt drink on him, he told me he'd had a drink with the CEO before he'd left! When I found out he'd been to the pub I was a bit miffed, but we were at pizza express with the kids so I didn't kick up a fuss, but when we got home he said he would take dog for a walk & I said I would take dog as he would probably go to the pub. He got really aggressive towards me (not physically at all) but he made me apologise to him & told me it was all my fault that I'd made something of this all & it was nothing. He said I could f&@k off & to stop going on at him all the time - I don't think I go on at him except for this Friday night thing.

AIBU - should I just overlook these Friday evening pub trips, is it fair for him to go to the pub because he needs to chill out after a hard week or is it acceptable for me to expect him to come home at the earliest possible opportunity? Please please help me - I just don't know what to think anymore!

TheNebulousBoojum Sat 17-Nov-12 03:09:32

Or perhaps he is having an affair and will abandon you and the children so that he can have a drink and a shag. Who knows?
I'd hate the feeling of being accountable for every second of my day, so would my OH.

Alisvolatpropiis Sat 17-Nov-12 03:11:24

I think being sahm (is that right? I'm stilly fairly new and working out the abbreviations) to three children and starting a new business sounds like a v brave venture.

Seriously OP,just say you need x amount of time off per week. To wind down and feel normal.

TheNebulousBoojum Sat 17-Nov-12 03:30:13

Especially if you already have one failed business venture behind you and had big money worries 9 months ago. Has that situation been resolved OP? Are you financially stable now? Or are you both still very stressed about finances?

NapaCab Sat 17-Nov-12 03:57:56

YANBU - if you had both agreed this deal where Friday night is the night where he makes time to be with the family, as you said in your OP, then he should respect that. If it were a situation where he had a work do to go to and had planned it in advance and told you about it, that's different but ditching family night to head to the pub and then lying about it is strange and dishonest. And kind of mean, I think. So YANBU.

inapineappleunderthesea Sat 17-Nov-12 03:58:05

I think its very wrong for anyone to say that he's cheating without any proof,thats how more arguements will start & it will only cause more unnessesary grief! I think you should sit down with him & open up to him & express your feelings,without any accusations or finger pointing from either side,then take it from there,do not tho,start thinking he's cheating on you or accuse him of it because that will not help anyone.

CordeliaChase Sat 17-Nov-12 04:02:02

Right, I'm not going to ask a million questions and I am also not going to judge.

Why not come to a compromise? So he goes out on a Friday to unwind from work, is home in enough time that you and him have a bit of time together. He gets up with the DC in the morning and has breakfast with them then takes them out til mid afternoon. You get your time together, you both get time needed (him with DC and you with peace and quiet!) and the DC get quality time with Daddy.

I think if you both know where you stand, you all have time together as a family unit and know that each other are compromising then it will make life easier. There seems to be a level of resentment here, and that will breed hate. I think it is unrealistic to ask him to reduce his working hours, but you both need to understand the pressures you are both under. Could you sit down together and have a conversation about what you feel are major pressures? Things that are frustrating you both? I'm sure he would rather not work these long hours, and he probably needs to know you appreciate it. In turn, he needs to show he appreciates you doing everything you are doing. Communication is the key.

I hope it all works out for you x

Valdeeves Sat 17-Nov-12 06:21:13

I think your hubbie is up to something or someone - and the way he reacted speaks volumes. Why is your own husband telling you to
fuck off? I totally agree with whoever said he is sneaking off to make
a call.
I'll warn you though - as one who's husband works late all week.
Working that late is odd, then going to the pub EVERY week is
taking you and the kids for granted. You are his wife and I bet you didn't
marry him to spend every evening alone. Sure he can go to the
pub - but not every Friday. I bet if he went until 7 every week it would be
ok but of course he doesn't does he?
I'd address it all as calmly as you can.
If he tells you to fuck off again I'm sorry but your marriage
may be in trouble.

OpheliaPayneAgain Sat 17-Nov-12 06:40:36

If he's working the hours you say, getting in after you go to bed, by your words to bring you financial security, I can't see the problem with an hour in the pub on the way home on a friday night. His life must be shit if he can't do that. Those work hours, then straight into the hum drum of family life and no time whatsoever to unwind.

How old are your children if you are taking them out to eat at 7pm? I imagined preschoolers (who should be in bed by then)

That was snidy shot, about taking the dog for a walk, becaue he'd only go to the pub? no wonder he blew his gasket. I think I would too. You've basically accused him of being an alcoholic this evening. Do you not think after being stuck in an office all week, or commuting in a sardine tin crammed with other people, walking the dog would have been an absolute delight, even if it was pissing down? Fresh air and just being outside for a bit?

You could of course have taken the dog for a walk all bloody day - don't give me the crap about a SAH is oh-so-tiring - I've been one and it's a walk in the park, even with three under 5, compared to the pressure of working to deadlines in the city.

Feckbox Sat 17-Nov-12 06:43:33

Hi OP .

The main thing that bothers you is that he CHOSES the pub for the first few hours of the weekend over coming straight home to you and the kids.

Well his preference is a fact. And you have no control over his preference so if you are going to try to get him not to go to the pub , you are altering his behaviour but not his preference . And he will resent that.

I don't think it is unreasonable for him to want to go to the pub for a few hours between work and home at the end of a hard week.

Whether he is a good guy or a bad guy , none of us ( except, presumably, you ) know , but it's very unhelpful to suggest your husband is having an affair.

I do think is he continues working such long hours his health will suffer

Feckbox Sat 17-Nov-12 06:44:32


HKat Sat 17-Nov-12 07:36:57

I agree with Worra and Feckbox. I know you want him to want to come straight home, but he obviously works very long hours and just fancies a few beers one night, at the end of a long week - I don't think that'sat all unreasonable. If he was rolling in wasted at 3a.m every week, or getting so drunk he couldn't enjoy/participate in the rest of the weekend, fair enough. But op hasn't said that. She seems to be saying he should always either be at work or at home - why is that fair? If this is really about op begrudging these few hours because she doesn't get them herself, then they need to talk about that and do something about it. But I don't think that's what it is about. Op just wants him to always want to come straight home. I'd have had same reaction to the dog walkg incident if my dp made such a nidey dig to be honest.

maddening Sat 17-Nov-12 08:03:29

Why not get a baby sitter for Friday's and go to the pub with dh?

maddening Sat 17-Nov-12 08:04:56

Ps the op is either at home or work - her dh expects this.

EvenIfYouSeeAPoppy Sat 17-Nov-12 08:14:20

Speculation about affairs is not helpful to the OP.

IMO, half an hour at the pub on the way home on a Friday = reasonable. 2-3 hours = unreasonable.

I do think it's important for him to see his kids on a Fri evening. I would also be wondering exactly why he feels the need to work such crazy hours, which could be very bad indeed for his long-term health - especially as not even the weekends appear to be sacrosanct.

pushmepullyou Sat 17-Nov-12 08:17:26

Those hours sound fairly standard for a director of a startup business. I know a lot of people in similar roles and we all work similar hours. The economy's buggered atm and everyone's terrified that if they drop the ball for a minute it'll all go tits up.

I don't think its unreasonable of him to go for a drink for an hour but it is UR to go for 3 hours and miss seeing the DC all together when he sees so little of them anyway.

Can he work from home at all some evenings once the DC are in bed or come home for an hour or so at teatime some days? Can the two of you agree that if he wants more than an hour at the pub then he comes home first until after the DC are in bed? Maybe you could get a babysitter and go together?

Inertia Sat 17-Nov-12 08:31:42

The lying and aggression would really bother me.

I think it's perfectly reasonable to ask him to come home and see the children on a Friday evening, no matter how hard he works. There's nothing to stop him going to the pub later in the evening, or on Saturday night. I accept that he works hard all week - my DH often works away during the week. His first priority when he finishes is to see me and the children - he goes out on a Saturday after spending time with us.

The OP 's husband is not the only person who works hard - OP also works, and does all the childcare and household work which enables her H to work those hours .

KenLeeeeeee Sat 17-Nov-12 08:33:37

Under an hour at the pub and home by 7pm -
Not BU.

Three hours at the pub and home after kids are in bed, thus not seeing them from Sunday evening to Sat morning - BVU.

You need balance and compromise here. It's not a situation I'd be at all happy with and I would need to point out to my husband that I didn't marry him to spend so much time alone.

Can he cut back his work hours at all? Perhaps even just making the weekends totally work-free so you can have real family time?

Rudolphstolemycarrots Sat 17-Nov-12 08:37:03

He obviously needs some time for himself. You should also be having time for yourself too - it's normal to do some things separatly to have balance.

How about he returns home straight away on Friday after work but then goes out to the pub once the kids are in bed.

Rudolphstolemycarrots Sat 17-Nov-12 08:38:36

You can have special 'alone' time with him on a Saturday evening.

LifeIsBetterInFlipFlops Sat 17-Nov-12 08:40:54

Sorry but I do think YABU...he is stretched to capacity...a 50 min drink with the CEO is fine. I think he lied as he is reacting to the way you treat/speak to him.

You've both got a lot to handle; I think for your sanity you need to stop fixating on him spending Friday evenings with the kids, just let it go.

Good luck OP...I know it's tough.

Brycie Sat 17-Nov-12 09:05:31

It sounds like he offered to walk the dog to be on his own for a bit. Or is he a secret smoker? Both more plausible than affairs/abuser/etc etc.

Brycie Sat 17-Nov-12 09:09:26

I've just read your post again: the insistence on "coming home at the earliest opportunity" would bug me to high hell. You're going to make him resent you very quickly and worse resent the children if you do that.

Best solution is admit (to yourself and him) that you are stretched to breaking point if you don't get your own time alone and so do a Friday night/Saturday afternoon deal, or something like that. Time to yourself/alone is to the soul what sleep is to the body, time to heal, rest, recover your resources.

FamiliesShareGerms Sat 17-Nov-12 09:14:34

I agree with the other posters who have said that your DH stopping off for a quick pint on his way home is not unreasonable (unless he has promised to be home for a specific time and this makes him late), but going to the pub for the whole evening is not on.

Sounds like you both need some time to yourself, some R&R and to stop snapping at each other

AWimbaWay Sat 17-Nov-12 09:23:00

I don't think you are being unreasonable. When do you get time off? I bet if you decided to go to the pub one evening it'd be up to you to sort childcare, but he expects you to be there to look after his children 24/7. It's just good manners if you're wanting to go out to check the other parent is free to look after the children, he shouldn't just expect it.

Why bother having a wife and children if you actually don't ever see them. He might think his work life balance is OK but what about the people who don't have a say, you and your children are expected to just go along with whatever he wants? I bet when you got married and had the children you didn't realise you were signing up a part time husband and Father.

The OP 's husband is not the only person who works hard - OP also works, and does all the childcare and household work which enables her H to work those hours . I totally agree with this Inertia .

Brycie Sat 17-Nov-12 09:23:00

If I were you depending on how old the children are I would tell him to go to the pub every Friday nigth until midnight, put the children to bed at 7 (tell them it's 9 it's easier in winter!) and settle down all alone with the remote and a book and a cup of tea and no housework. Make the most of it.

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