Please help me understand if I'm being unreasonable(99 Posts)
Please help me get some perspective - I can't see the woods for the trees at the moment. My DH works really long hours, not usually at home until after I've gone to bed during the week & gone early in the morning. He has a demanding job & I'm grateful for the financial security he brings to our family. I don't make any demands on him during the week at all, ever, I make one request which is that he gets home at a decent time on a Friday so he can spend some time with the kids (& me) & we can "start the weekend". I do everything to do with the home & our 3 kids plus I also work, I have just started a new business, I work every day during school hours & then from home when necessary, plus do all the after school clubs, dinners etc etc.
Often on a Friday he "slopes" off to the pub, tonight his train got in at 6.10 but he didn't get home until 7pm (we live 5 mins from station) as he went to the pub to see a friend on the way home. He texted me to say the train would be in at 6.30-7 depending on how quickly it got home as it was going a bit slow?!?!! When I smelt drink on him, he told me he'd had a drink with the CEO before he'd left! When I found out he'd been to the pub I was a bit miffed, but we were at pizza express with the kids so I didn't kick up a fuss, but when we got home he said he would take dog for a walk & I said I would take dog as he would probably go to the pub. He got really aggressive towards me (not physically at all) but he made me apologise to him & told me it was all my fault that I'd made something of this all & it was nothing. He said I could f&@k off & to stop going on at him all the time - I don't think I go on at him except for this Friday night thing.
AIBU - should I just overlook these Friday evening pub trips, is it fair for him to go to the pub because he needs to chill out after a hard week or is it acceptable for me to expect him to come home at the earliest possible opportunity? Please please help me - I just don't know what to think anymore!
Worra she didn't even say that in the OP. She made it clear that quite apart from him coming home late he tried to go out later for a very flimsy reason and went tonto when she suggested a reason why he might not.
I agree that the whole going to the pub thing is not that bad, but going bonkers at her because he can't 'walk the dog' is different altogether.
He wasn't trying to sneak out later
He offered to walk the dog but the OP assumed he was going to the pub
Unless I read it wrong and he said he was taking the dog to the pub?
It just seems to me OP that because you spend most of your day with the kids, you expect him to be chomping at the bit to do the same....that's fair enough but as he works horrendously long hours, going for a quick wind down drink doesn't mean he doesn't want to come home to you all.
You've said that more often than not you're in bed by 9ish, I know you have a family to look after but is there any particular reason why you're going to bed that early?
I think the issue here OP is that you need a break. If you got some time off then perhaps his trips to the pub wouldn't be so bothersome. At the moment it sounds like you get no break from the work that is raising the kids - think you should have an hour or two on a Saturday to yourself and if he can't look after the kids get a babysitter.
His hours are obviously reasonable because the OP accepts them. Maybe he is a surgeon or a banker or something like that, where they get paid loads of money to do ridiculous hours.
but Worra I still think that if he popped his top over 'walking the dog' like that on this time on a Friday it's odd.
Please don't think I am some woman who is always saying that if your husband won't make you a cup of tea at the same time as changing the baby's nappy, doing your tax return and putting on your mascara is a an emotional abuser, I don't think like that.
But sorry, going mental about walking the dog after lying about where you were all night is probably a bit suss.
"but when we got home he said he would take dog for a walk & I said I would take dog as he would probably go to the pub"
I have to say if my DH called me a liar like that to my face because I fancied walking our dog, I'd 'pop my top' too....
worraliberty apologies for not being a consummate professional at this - I did put an update earlier on which said more about the length of time he regularly spends out - this is pretty much the first time I've used this & I'm not quite up to speed!
No need to apologise
But I do think you're being unrealistic to expect anyone to just want work/family/work/family etc etc... without a little bit of 'me' time in between.
If you want some 'me' time and you're not getting it, then YWNBU to work out a way to have that.
But he does work horrendously long hours from what you've said and I don't think he should be forced to balance his life between work and family only.
Grabbing a few hours to himself also is ok imo.
He shouldn't lie about it though but then again you've said you can see why he feels the need to.
Yours goes for a wind down drink at the end of a long week, mine goes for a walk.
Mine does it because he needs a breather between a very demanding job with long hours and a lot of pressure and the different demands and pace of the weekend.
I think my DH is perfectly reasonable in his need, and he's done it for years.
Yes, I also work full time, never had a baby break longer than 6 months, my R&R involves extended uninterrupted baths.
Oh jeez - I'm beginning to wish I'd never started now - ah well!!
For the record, he works for a start up company hence the long hours I believe - not sure how long term they'll be but it's been 1.5 years like this! He does earn decent money, but sadly not anywhere near the level of a banker/surgeon etc! Our kids go to state school & we usually manage to scrape together one moderate holiday a year usually in the UK! Apart from not seeing enough of their dad the kids are pretty happy thanks very much!
Some people have been really kind and offered their opinion in a constructive & helpful way - thank you - it's help me settle things out in my own mind! bridgetbidet you may have a point - I hope not, but I had thought it might be a possibility!!!
If it was my DH who didn't see our kids 5 days a week I would be devastated, and so would he. And I would be furious and upset if I thought he wasn't doing his damnedest to be around more. Especially if they were crying for him.
He needs to reorganise his work IMO. What the fuck does he do that necessitates those kind of hours?
Okay Worra, maybe you're right. I agree that everybody needs time to themselves.
But in all the 'Leave the bastard' threads I've seen on here I've never, ever seen one about a man who is out almost all day every day and then lies about where he is in the few hours he's supposed to be home, then tries to get out of being home and gives a dubious excuse why.
Maybe you're right, maybe I'm wrong.
But I think the OP would be absolutely mental not to check it out for herself in the circumstances.
YABU - by the sounds of it he is working those hours so you can stay at home with your children. Give the guy a break. As long as he's fully able to parent and spend time with you over the weekend,I think it is really unfair to get bent out of shape about an extraordinaryly fast after work drink.
So, how much of the financial responsibility for you and your three children has he been carrying and for how long?
If he cut his hours to more reasonable ones, would you be able to step up and match the financial loss involved? My DH was a part-time SAHH when the children were small, he never resented my need for a bit of time to myself in addition to the working FT and the being a parent. Then he got a different job when they hit school age and the demands shifted again. He worked more, I did more household stuff and we both had a bit of time to ourselves.
So, how much of the financial responsibility for you and your three children has he been carrying and for how long?
So if he is cheating that's okay because he's supporting a SAHM. Erm no.
Your home situation sucks (if it was me I'd think so anyway). Sounds like you are working your butt off and basically are doing all of the parenting alone. I agree with Startail really - what kind of job really demands those kinds of hours? I'd wonder if he was socializing or getting his work done during the 9-5 portion of his work.
OP is home with three kids - she is not free to pop off to the pub.....why should dad be? I work full time and there is way more space for socializing and having a bit of time to ones self when you work out of the home anyway.
I'm not much of a one for seeing adulterous relationships every time an individual wants half an hour to themselves. Cheating is never OK, a swift half down the pub is what the OP is about isn't it?
Rather than the long sad soap opera drama that MN loves so much.
A SAHM with kids at school has a lot more opportunity for shagging around, at least between 9.30 and 3.
TheNebulous same here. I think the standard "he's cheating on you obv" is a really fucking unhelpful response. I mean for gods sake,everyone needs half hour to themselves.
OP if you want some time to yourself too,just say so to your DH.
Molly I recently went for a job interview. The hours were 9-5. They made it v clear that at busy times the expect you to work until the job was done. We're talking 9am-12am. It wasn't a senior position either.
I suppose it's also because most of the close friends and relatives I have had over the years have all had a hobby or a life other than work and children, so they have partnerships that include being musicians, book groups, gym bunnies, art, theatre...so it is usual to have a bit of a life as well.
I'd be very stressed and bored otherwise, I need the freedom to be me as well as a worker and a parent and a partner.
OP works too.
I was thinking the same Bridget but i didn't write it down. I thought that him being angry after being at Pizza Express with OP could be because he was uncomfortable and guilty sitting there with her.
But i might be completely wrong- and i hope i am OP. OTOH maybe just the case of you both being burnt out thats why i have suggested babysitter earlier.
How old are your children? I'm totally with worraliberty here. Do you really get no downtime at all? Having no rest from being "on" all the time can drive you very very nuts indeed. I would rather my husband went to the pub for the whole of Friday night and had a proper wind down so he was ready to be there for us at the weekend. Same for my husband, he says to take an afternoon out or an hour out and come back "refreshed". Better all of a person some of the time than half of a scratchety person all the time. For example, don't forget your husband never gets time to himself alone in the house. That's knackering.
On the other hand, if you get no downtime AT ALL you should have the same. I would happily swap all evening friday in the pub if he takes the children out all Saturday afternoon and gives you the same time. Better than both of you being around for all of the time in an exhausted grump.
thenebulous I've yet to have children but I actively encourage my OH to lead a bit of a social life separate to mine and vice versa. Not because we're weirdos with an open relationship,we are ver committed
he will put a ring on it one day dammit! but because it makes life and conversation more interesting. There is only so much interest I can feign in teenagers (he's a secondary school teacher).
Seriously OP,if it's a matter of having some time to yourself,just raise it with your OH.
Surely the last time a reasonable bloke refused to allow his wife to have a bit of time to herself was 1955?
OP 'has just started a new business' no details of what, or the time pressures or where the funding is coming from. So her work pressures are unclear to me due to insufficient information.
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