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To have not told my friend that the guy she was dating had a son

(16 Posts)
dinnersinthedawg Fri 16-Nov-12 23:46:58

My friend recently started dating a workmate of my DH after bumping into them on a night out. She felt quite uncomfortable at the link so said that she didn't want to discuss their relationship with me, fair enough.

I knew DH's mate has a grown up son (early 20s). I didn't tell my friend as I felt it wasn't my place to say, plus I didn't feel it was that big a deal - the mate is early 40s, more unusual to not have any children I would have thought, the son is an adult, plus I knew that my friend isn't that bothered about having her own family so wouldn't be a problem if he didn't want to have more children. I thought it was up to him to tell her when he felt the time was right in their relationship.

Anyway when he did tell her she went mad at me for not telling her first. We didn't speak for a while then she asked to meet up - we discussed it and agreed to draw a line under it and move on. But a few weeks on she has just fb messaged me to say she can't do that as she feels I didn't act in her best interests, don't 'have her back', I'm not a loyal friend etc - she seems to be ending our friendship completely over this.

I'm really upset by this as we have been friends for over 20 years and I have always supported and been there for her.

Sorry this is so long - basically AIBU for not understanding why this is such a big issue or am I the one in the wrong here?

Softlysoftly Fri 16-Nov-12 23:48:54

She's a freak YANBU

Wishfulmakeupping Fri 16-Nov-12 23:51:16

YADNBU she sounds weird tbh She told you to stay out of it, you did, end of - its her issue I wouldn't spend another minute thinking about it

akaemmafrost Fri 16-Nov-12 23:51:17

What a Drama Queen.

Oh let her stew for a while. Don't apologise, you've done nothing wrong. She sounds ridiculous.

WhereYouLeftIt Fri 16-Nov-12 23:52:46

When exactly were you meant to tell her he had a son whilst not discussing their relationship confused ? How exactly was it meant to come up in conversation?

Plus, you are quite right. If I started dating someone of that age, I would either presume they had children, or ASK.

deleted203 Fri 16-Nov-12 23:52:49

She's a silly cow. She told you she didn't want to discuss their relationship and WTF does it matter if he has an adult son? As you say, he is in his 40s. It's not as though she has just discovered he has 3 children under 5 with someone and that she will be 'stepmom'. She's the one who isn't much of a friend, TBH. Why was it in 'her best interests' to inform her of this after she had told you she didn't want to discuss him? And what's all the crap about 'not having her back'? If you'd known he had a police record for knocking women about and not told her, then yes, fair enough. Being aware that he had a son in his 20s but feeling that it was up to him to tell her the details is hardly a crime. She is massively over-reacting.

Moominsarescary Sat 17-Nov-12 01:08:27

Mad as a box of frogs, I'd just ignore her

ChippingInLovesAutumn Sat 17-Nov-12 01:12:17

Exactly what 'sowornout' said, to a word... & Moomin... in fact what everyone else has already said.

She's barking.

If I was worried about anyone, it would be dh's friend. Would she be normal to his son. Does he know what he's got himself into???

I'd let her go, she sounds exhausting.

dinnersinthedawg Sat 17-Nov-12 21:12:31

Thanks everyone, good to have it confirmed as I seem to be worst friend ever according to her and her single mates - apparently they see things differently than people in relationships and that is the why I think it isn't a big deal whereas to her it's a betrayal confused

As difficult as it is I'm going to cut her out of my life completely. I'm not one for drama in my life and with a 2 year old DS and 8 weeks pregnant (and hormonal!) I've got better things to think about and could do without this.

dinnersinthedawg Sat 17-Nov-12 21:17:39

Oh and binfull he dumped her after 2 months - he thought she was a bit high maintenance emotionally(!) for him so the son has had a lucky escape...

He dumped her after two months! So the whole bloody argument is moot then!!

Who told you about the single friends opinions on this? Was it them, or her? Is that how people segregate their mates?

She's doing you a huge favor, cutting you lose. This is, at best, a duty friend. Don't feel bad at all. Do you have other friends and networks?

GothAnneGeddes Sun 18-Nov-12 02:09:00

YANBU and you are very sensible to be giving her a wide berth.

Bogeyface Sun 18-Nov-12 02:34:07

There's your issue right there!

She was dumped and needs to kick off at someone (he was right on the money wasnt he?) and the only person that has a tenuous link is you.

Sounds like he and you have both dodged a bullet there.

dinnersinthedawg Sun 18-Nov-12 17:24:32

She told me about the single friends thing - she has this new group of single mates and they seem to be very 'militant' (not the right word but not sure how to describe it) about how much friends support eachother, trust eachother etc. Apparently as my life is based around my family, my friends are the icing on the cake, whereas to her friends 'are the cake'.

Yes I have plenty of other friends so it's not like it's going to leave a big social hole in my life. It's just upsetting to see such a long standing friendship come to an end like this, it's never happened before - some friends I have drifted away from but it's not as final as this. There are 6 of us still friendly from school but I'm the one she was closest to - I'm not sure whether the others will keep in touch with her without me as I was the link who always invited her along.

Bogeyface you are probably right - it could even be that her reaction with me has contributed to his decision as I know she told him how angry she was but he didn't agree with her (crazy) perspective and she doesn't seem to cope well with people disagreeing with her. He actually asked DH to pass on an apology to me for the upset it has caused - not that he has anything to apologise for.

dinnersinthedawg Sun 18-Nov-12 17:29:57

Also the single friends thing came out when I met up with her and said that I couldn't understand her point of view and everyone I had spoken to took the same perspective as me. She reckoned that's because all the people I spoke to are in relationships and everyone she discussed it with who are all single seemed to think she has every reason to be angry with me. So it's good to get a view on here and interesting that nobody agrees with her!

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