DD doesn't want to go to XH's house

[ornellaia]

This probably isn't the right place but I needed a few quick answers before I go out.

I split with XH this year, he moved out in July, since then DD 7 and DS 5 stay with him every Friday night. A few times DD has said she doesn't want to go, I say ok but we must still drop DS off and I pack her overnight bag just in case she changes her mind. So far she has changed her mind and asked to stay every time. They have a nice time there - XH takes them to the pub for dinner and they eat sweets/biscuits/chocolate/bubbly pop all day (sugary crap is limited at home). He takes them out on the Saturday and they always seem to have fun.

They are due to go tonight, all this week DD has been saying she doesn't want to go, I have done the usual and packed her a bag for when we drop DS off. XH has just phoned so I mentioned what DD had said, he said we'd just have to force her to stay. So, if she doesn't change her mind should I insist that she stays anyway?

[honeytea]

Why doesn't she want to stay? Has anyone asked her?

[TidyDancer]

First things first, is this an arrangement that has been court ordered?

[mayorquimby]

Well yeah unless there's some obvious reason why she doesn't want to go.
What would you do if either kid said they didn't want to go home/leave their dads on the Saturday when they were meant to come back to yours? Just accept it and shrug?

[ornellaia]

I have asked; her reasons vary from 'it's boring' to 'Daddy makes us walk to the shop'. She did say once she was worried that I would miss her, I said of course I miss her but I know she's having fun so that keeps me happy.

No court order no, just arranged between us.

[ClippedPhoenix]

Sounds a bit like she's playing it OP to be fair. He's her dad and as long as there's nothing untoward going on then she should go on the nights agreed and shouldn't really be given a choice.

[ornellaia]

I see your point mayorquimby, I guess that's why I'm asking really. I didn't want to make visits there seem horrible (by making them compulsory) but equally they need to maintain a good relationship with their dad, which they can't do if they don't see him.

[honeytea]

Bless her saying she is worried you will miss her. I'd say that the not liking walking ot the shops type excuses should be ignored. Maybe you can tell her what you have planned for the evening so she can imagine you busy with friends or painting your nails or whatever nice thing you might do with your friday evening.

[fluffyraggies]

Maybe she just misses being at home. Or thinks she will.

She's been to school all week, and by Friday perhaps she just wants to relax with you for a change?

2 of my DDs are the same as yours about going to their dads, OP. I find it :(

[izzyishavingababyAGAIN]

Once a week isn't enough to get settled or feel at home - that's my gut feeling

[ornellaia]

I'm definitely not worried about his ability to look after them, obviously his parenting methods are different to mine but not to the degree that I don't think he's looking after them properly.

They're home educated so they spend all bloody week with me, TBH I like the break when they go there.

Yes I will tell her I have made plans, grown up plans.

Izzy - XH doesn't seem to want them there any more than once a week :(

[ClippedPhoenix]

Well OP you deserve a break and one night away with dad won't hurt at all.

[fluffyraggies]

Yes if DD is home educated then blows my 'wants time at home' theory out of the water

At the moment she seems to always decide to stay. Why not just carry on letting her think she has the choice and go with the flow. It's always nice to feel we have a choice.

[RandomMess]

I think it's quite common because it means having to face up to the fact you have split up and live seperately and it's change. I would be empathetic but insist that Dad wants to spend with them and you have things to do so she can't stay at home.

Can you try and verbalise her feelings "how to make kids listen" style,

"I think you have 2 feelings about going to Dad's, you love him and have a good time but you feel bad/sad that we're not all there together" that kind of thing?

[ornellaia]

Well she stayed. She said she didn't want to, but I said she really must and we would talk with daddy about the things she doesn't like about being at his house, she screamed at me in the car but she was OK about it once we were there.

I'll try out verbalising her feelings next time Random, thanks. I read that book ages ago and obviously learned bugger all from it .

[izzyishavingababyAGAIN]

That's sad that he doesn't want them more - it blows anything I might suggest out of the water.

[RandomMess]

I think we just forgot tbh!