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To mourn the loss of my old self?

(20 Posts)
HowBoutNo Fri 16-Nov-12 12:51:15

I'm probably BU to even bother posting but anyhow...

Background: husband away for work for at least another 5 weeks. Things chugging away here with my baby DD, no probs. Get a nice call from the man tonight to say he misses us/me etc, how was your day blah blah....

Have been unusually ragingly horny needy lately so thought send him a quick picture to say hello to, or goodnight to, as the case may be.

So I shrug off my glamorous biscuit and mashed sweet potat covered gear and actually bother digging out a bit of kit from way back in the underwear haystack in the cupboard and attempt to take a bit of a sexy selfy.

Unfortunately I am foiled in this attempt by the old looking, tired looking, saggy boobed, ground out mess that keeps jumping in the photo.

But fuck.... Hang on.... That's me now.... ! blush

Which <finally> brings me to my AIBU.

Logically, intellectually, and tbh, it's not thaaat bad. If I did a bit of exercise, troweled some slap on and got some studio lights maybe grin The man probably would have been stoked anyway.

But, I was just so deflated, struck by the feeling of being the most massive, past it try hard ever... AIBU to miss the girl before the mum that wouldn't have blinked at having a go at this? AIBU to be suddenly feeling like I've lost something even though I've gained my life biggest gift of my DD?

I'm certainly BU for being such a whinger when I'm really so lucky in heaps of ways. But what is this feeling all of a sudden? Has anyone else ever felt like this?

DontHaveAtv Fri 16-Nov-12 13:00:10

yanbu Its understandable. You're right though. I bet your dp would have been well pleased to get that picture.

I feel more gutted that I didn't enjoy my body more before I had children. I used to think I had a crap body, but I would love to have a stretch mark free tummy again. But it was worth it as I have my beautiful children.

Goofus Fri 16-Nov-12 13:07:09

Hear hear, DontHave . I didn't have a supermodel body but I so could have pulled off a bikini or a short dress etc pre-baby days but I just didn't see it at the time.
I will drum it in and in to my daughters to feel good and confident about themselves.

HowBoutNo YANBU. I see myself in home videos (not rude ones grin ) and I think 'who is that blob?' Oh, it's me... blush

AlienRefluxovermypoppy Fri 16-Nov-12 13:11:36

I looked like a fat lesbian in some recent photos!! I never used to hate having my photo done, now I run, or flick a middle finger!!

hmm at fat lesbian

Op yanbu. My dd is 3 and I'm starting to feel like I'm getting the opportunity to put myself first again every now and again. You'll get there, don't worry, it just takes time and be kind to yourself in the meantime. And it sounds like you're not starting from a point of needing to lose 5st as I was, so that's a bonus grin

ForkInTheForeheid Fri 16-Nov-12 13:28:47

I looked like a fat lesbian in some recent photos!

Why? Were you having sex with another woman at the time? ...wonders what a "fat lesbian" looks like...

Anonymumous Fri 16-Nov-12 13:31:44

Oh tell me about it. I had a baby seven months ago. I've been going to the gym for the last four months. I have new and exciting muscles where before there was only flab. I am back to the weight that I was when I got married nearly 15 years ago, even though I've had three children since then. I was feeling fab, fab, fab! Then I went to a hair and beauty evening at my sons' school and had my make-up done professionally for the first time in my life. I thought I looked nice when I looked in the mirror. I got home and DH said I looked frightening. shock Then I tried to take some photos of myself, and he was right - I did look frightening. No matter how many photos I took, none of them looked like the glamorous yummy mummy I fondly imagined I had turned into.

This must be why your eyes gradually stop working as you get older - it's nature's way of helping you cope with wrinkles, bags, grey hairs and cellulite when you still feel like a twenty-year-old inside. sad

PeppermintLatte Fri 16-Nov-12 14:03:44

grin at fat lesbian!! I think the poster just meant a fat butch looking woman? Lighten up!

OP, yanbu. Take the time to do little things to help you look and feel better, some exercise? A spray tan? Some new make up? I'm sorting myself out after christmas.

AlwaysOneMissing Fri 16-Nov-12 14:18:56

God, I feel just the same. Isn't it depressing.

I had a pretty good figure before DC, and DH still tells me now that I am sexy, and have my pre-DC figure back. He lies!!

I have saggy empty flat boobs, a baggy tummy, and my bum is sliding down into the top of my legs grin

I never imagined feeling like this in my 20s.

And I do the same where I get dressed up, feel reasonably nice, then see a photo of myself and think 'what the hell happened?!'

Joking aside, it really gets me down actually.

Teafairy Fri 16-Nov-12 15:01:15

Snap! My DD1(2.5) asked me the other day if I was having another baby, to be fair after the arrival of DD2(6 months) she is a bit baby obsessed, but it still hurt! After 2 emergency C-sections, I have been left with a lovely little overhang, in clothes it's not too bad, but from all the all seeing eyes of a toddler there is no escape and it's obviously 'bad' enough that she thought it meant another baby.

I'm back to the size I was pre DD2, which is only one dress size up from what I was Pre DD1, which isn't too bad, I guess (and mostly down to my now significantly bigger but MUCH saggier boobs)...but doesn't stop me staring wistfully at some of my favourite things I doubt i'll ever get in again. DH is lovely about it, he still thinks i'm lovely (Don't know if he needs a trip to the opticians!) but he also knows it upsets me, the me in the mirror is not the me in my head, if that makes sense. We exercise and eat well, so i'm not sure what else I can do. But it's lovely to have his support.

I'm blessed to have my DD's and in a way am grateful for the scars, rather that and safe DD's than anything else, but I honestly never thought i'd be in my 20's and eyeing up elasticised waisted trousers to slob around the house in, purely because they will not b a rugby on a scar...I am turning into my mother! HELP! smile

Teafairy Fri 16-Nov-12 15:03:15

not be as rugby on a scar is what that last sentence is meant to say. Note to self don't try to type on phone and BF at same time, with autocorrect on, it's a recipe for confusion!

domesticgodless Fri 16-Nov-12 15:06:07

The disappointment wears off honestly :D I'm 40 in January and I can tell you it only gets worse and worse :D I used to try to avoid bright lights etc, now I just don't care any more. The world needs more aging women who don't give a sh*t.

If you take an 'arty' type photo (ie low lights) even you will be able to tolerate the sight of yourself I promise :D

BsshBossh Fri 16-Nov-12 20:20:00

Hang in there, it'll get better but you'll need to put the effort in. I put on weight and my grooming standards seriously slipped in DD's first year; went back to work and grooming improved but weight went up - didn't feel sexy at all. Then when DD turned 4 I started putting a lot more time into my appearance (as DD is more independent now so I have some me-time back) - exercise, grooming. I'm slimmer than I was pre-baby and look better too (at 42!). But it takes a bit more effort these days. DH also very happy (not that, he says, he wasn't happy before).

notmyproblem Fri 16-Nov-12 21:49:18

Not sure how old your baby DD is? But it took me a full nine months after my DD was born just to feel normal again, let alone start to think about looking normal. Fitting into old clothes was a year and that's only because I am a competitive athlete which in reality is just a smokescreen for eating cake guilt-free.

Don't be too hard on yourself, but if you want to improve your physique then start setting some small goals and a loose long-term plan and get to it. No time like the present!

flow4 Fri 16-Nov-12 21:53:15

SHRIIIEEEK > "My dd is 3 and I'm starting to feel like I'm getting the opportunity to put myself first again every now and again."

Wow, good on ya! My DS1 is 17 and I'm still not feeling that! hmm grin

skandi1 Fri 16-Nov-12 22:10:35

Me too. I hear you. I used to live in smart and glam outfits and be generally immaculate (ie nice makeup, hair blow dried and clothes free from Organix biscuits stickiness). And also generally pert.

Now, after 2 DC, I am almost 2 stone heavier, massive fat saggy tum and saggy boobs. Any make up which was attempted has been half removed half smeared off within a nano second. Hair sticky with snacks or yesterday's lunch and stained clothes (yes I do put clean ones on every morning but they don't stay clean beyond breakfast).

I have a 3yo and 1yo. And my youngest firmly believes sleep is for the weak so you can add haggered/knackered to the above delights.

I am finding it depressing at the moment. And yes I would like to do something about it. But DHs job means he travels and if he is here he leaves before DC get up and comes home long after they are in bed. And I seriously cannot drag myself to the gym at 10pm knowing that DS will start his night nonsense around midnight.

We don't have family within a thousand miles so no help. I do have a cleaner once a week so shouldn't whine. I have tried leaving DS in the gym crèche but he hasn't settled and the staff have now said it might be best to wait and try again later. DD does go to pre school 3 mornings week.

Anyway I am rambling and ranting. YANBU!!! I am with you all the way.

I really could do with a overhaul but I may have to wait until DS starts pre school. Only two years to go. What a depressing thought.

HowBoutNo Fri 16-Nov-12 22:10:40

Awe shucks! Yeah I know what I should do, but what I'm actually arsed doing is a different story grin. It'll be ok, I really should just make more if a effort and I'm sure I'd be a bit happier. I was mostly just taken aback by the strength of these feelings, when I'm usually pretty confident and used to genuinely find something that was a bit of hot about myself iykwim, I was always able to go well, your legs look good today, or that top suits you Etc. It was like the wind had been dysoned out of my sails grin

goingupinsmoke Fri 16-Nov-12 22:18:08

But your DH would of loved that picture!! I think we are our own worse enemies, I realised I that I was looking at me in photos with friends and thinking YUCK, but looking at them and thinking they look great.

but chatting to the said friends we all thought we looked awful, so truth is I think other people see you very differently to how you see yourself.

Go and take the picture he will love it grin

PinkPeanuts Fri 16-Nov-12 22:18:29

My DD is 8 months old and I feel exactly the same way. My passport says I'm 27, the mirror says I am 47. And fat.

Mumsyblouse Fri 16-Nov-12 22:25:17

Yes, but what you don't realise is that just as you look back wistfully at your pre-baby self, you are now hotter than you will be in your sixties, or eighties or at 100! I care far far less about appearance now, even though I am obviously not the babe I used to be, this is because I think I look fine for my age and being a mum, not 18, not flat stomached but just like a nice lady who isn't doing too badly.

Reset your standards and don't waste this decade worrying about your looks, because in the future, you'll look back and wonder why you didn't appreciate that you were ok at this time point! And if you feel truly horrendous, then once the baby is a bit older, do some exercise, lose a few pounds and then go out and enjoy your life, no point in moping about something that simply isn't going to change now unless we invent a time machine!

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