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to want my friend to keep her opinions to herself

(20 Posts)
Nishky Thu 15-Nov-12 22:53:02

They are going down the private route; their dd is 4 and has been in private school since the age of 3.

Our dd goes to secondary school - from a state primary to a state secondary in a not brilliant area because she loved the school

Apparently state schools are NOT like they were when we went as we had good teachers and that is not the case now and anyway the main problem is not only the teachers but the other children who will of course be so out of control the teachers would not be able to teach anything even if they wanted to


Nishky Thu 15-Nov-12 22:53:50

sorry meant to say our dd goes to secondary next September

BadgersBottom Thu 15-Nov-12 22:57:15

It's her opinion. Counter it with yours which will, I'm sure, be eloquent and fully informed, and that should be the end of it.

Nishky Thu 15-Nov-12 23:06:08

I know that is what I should do- I am just so pissed off that she would say it when I told her what we had decided

Spatsky Thu 15-Nov-12 23:22:01

She sounds insecure.

My response would be that it's great that she is happy going down the private route, as are you going down the state route, different strokes and all that.

GretaGip Thu 15-Nov-12 23:23:39

You really really need to smile and nod then make a voodoo doll.


gatheringlilac Thu 15-Nov-12 23:34:29

Is she really a friend?

A real friend doesn't run down another friend's choices - especially about schools!! And if she's an acquaintance-friend, then she is stunningly tactless.

I think if I had a friend that persisted in doing this I would become quite cross, actually. It smacks of lack of respect, or even noticing the reality of the person who is supposed to be a friend.

I think the way to deal with it is to wait until the next time she says anything; take a deep breath; tell yourself, firmly, that she has a bad case of foot-in-mouth and you are helping her to become a better person; smile; ask her if she can remember where you are intending to send your daughter to school; ask her if she remembers what she has just said; ask her if she thinks there is anything rude, tactless or possibly offensive about what she has said - putting herself in your position.

And then laugh in a friendly fashion, and change the subject to something less contentious - like her opinion of the latest situation in the Middle East.

Nishky Thu 15-Nov-12 23:38:37

that is true gathering lilac- we have been friends for 17 years but always had different views - it didn't matter when we were single, but I think it is particularly hurtful to make a comment about someone's choices for their child

we tend to meet up once a year for a catch up- she can be good fun - but it just soured a pleasant evening really

gatheringlilac Thu 15-Nov-12 23:39:35

That should be: not noticing the reality of the other person.

I have a friend who really is that tactless. As a rule, I just take stuff she says on the chin, with the knowledge that it's just a "quirk" but occasionally she will say something that gets right under my skin, and I do find myself wondering why we're friends ....

gatheringlilac Thu 15-Nov-12 23:43:46

Missed your post!

Once a year? I think you can probably let it go: bet she'll have calmed down by the next time you see her.

Very impressive to have kept up a friendship for such a long time, though. smile

Nishky Thu 15-Nov-12 23:46:22

we went through a lot together really- both joined the same firm at the start of our careers, so a lot of shared history- she is really the person who knows all about me.

One of her other classics was when I complimented her new kitchen and asked who did it as we wanted ours done and she basically said that our house was not nice enough to have a 'bespoke' kitchen like theirs!!!

I think she just has snob issues

IneedAsockamnesty Thu 15-Nov-12 23:48:28

How about next time she tells you about any parenting choice she makes just clutch your chest and say " oh no I thought better of you,how could you be so abusive to your darling child" then burst into tears and walk away muttering about the shame of it.

Nishky Thu 15-Nov-12 23:54:11

I think I will do that!!!

kige Thu 15-Nov-12 23:54:23

She isn't a friend because she had been rude and critical about your choices. What it's about isn't really relevant, but the criticism is. Not constructive criticism either.

Nishky Thu 15-Nov-12 23:54:53

Any way off to bed- thanks for letting me let of steam- I know its daft to get upset by it

Startail Fri 16-Nov-12 00:34:30

School fees are a stupid amount of money, people have to convince themselves once in a while they aren't wasting 1000s and 1000s of pounds.

Which in my opinion they certainly are at primary level.

Secondary, especially for sport mad DCs or academically middling ones is a closer call.

Stupid comments are just a lack of confidence in their choice, ignore.

sashh Fri 16-Nov-12 04:48:17

Well of course all that is true, but you dd will cope just fine. However if she haddn't been so bright yo would have HAD to send her to private school just to get the same GCSEs.

Nishky Fri 16-Nov-12 05:36:32

kige you are right I know

sashh - thank you - I will remember that if she dares to say it again

FunBagFreddie Fri 16-Nov-12 06:23:31

Just relax and remember that opinions are like aresholes - everybody's got one.

Silverlace Fri 16-Nov-12 06:26:32

I know just how you feel. I have a friend with a child the same age as mine who goes to a private school while mine are in a state school. She once told me that I should move mine to private school as "there is a better class of person there"!

I don't do confrontations so just smile inwardly and ignore and have a laugh with DH later.

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