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Tothink saying "oh no what a shame" when someone tells you they are having a c section next week is a bit rude?

(24 Posts)
AmberSocks Thu 15-Nov-12 14:03:32

Was standing talking to some other mums in the playground yesterday afternoon.I had baby number 4 5 weeks ago and we were talking about birth and babies and all of that...anyway....another mum who i dont speak to much looks ready to drop,i ask her when shes due and she says shes booked in for a section next week,another mum says "oh no what a shame!2 another says "oh never mind as long as they come out healthy"...

Now i am all for natural childbirth,my 4 have all been straightforward and i had a water birth twice,once at home,BUT i would never say that to someone!

ShallIJustShutUpThen Thu 15-Nov-12 14:06:06

It is rude, its right up there with 'what a shame' when you say that you are having another baby of the same gender. People should keep their opinions to themselves sometimes!

MrsTerryPratchett Thu 15-Nov-12 14:07:27

I had a C section and wouldn't have minded that. People know I wanted a home birth so it was a shame that I was having a C section. I would have seen it as sympathy.

diddl Thu 15-Nov-12 14:07:27

Was perhaps just thoughtless rather than anything?

To me it´s best not commented on for fear of offending.

Thought of a Csection absolutely terrifies me so I´d probably be say "Oh God, poor you"blush

emsyj Thu 15-Nov-12 14:08:54

My initial reaction is YANBU, but I suppose they could just mean 'what a shame you have to have major surgery and a long recovery'? Either way, I wouldn't say that to someone, and I had a crash section with a lot of pain afterwards and a long long recovery and wouldn't wish a section on anyone!

I have a lovely friend who told me after giving birth to her DS 6 months after DD was born, 'Yeah, I felt after pushing him out that I had really earned him, you know?' hmm

People say insensitive stuff all the time, hopefully the mum in question will not be too upset about it if they were just a bit 'foot in mouth' and didn't mean to be horrible.

redskyatnight Thu 15-Nov-12 14:09:09

Random woman to random woman - yes it's rude.

However, there may be some back story here- maybe the woman really wanted to have a natural birth and had talked about this to the other mums? So the comment is along the lines of "what a shame you didn't get what you wanted". Non-rude and empathetic.

AmberSocks Thu 15-Nov-12 14:10:04

yes i thinkthoughtless is a better word.

Also,even though i know there are risks and it must be painful afterwards,a planned section surely has some pros?An emergency section after hours of labour doesnt sound very appealing but if its planned for whatever reason surely it could be quite nice???

elliejjtiny Thu 15-Nov-12 14:10:34

That is so rude unless you know the person well and know they were desperate not to have one. Personally I would rather not have a c-section but I would never comment negatively on someone else's birth choices/experiences.

quesadilla Thu 15-Nov-12 14:16:50

Definitely rude and also pretty self-indulgent. Would they say that to someone knowing that a C-section had saved their life? grrrrrr
I'm all for people having the birth they want (although personally I think fetishizing "natural" birth to the point some people do is essentially pretty decadent and we need to realize how lucky we are in this country to have such safe births, never mind how the baby comes out). But to impose this sort of ed judgment on someone at the school gates is just spoiled and wrong.

Journey Thu 15-Nov-12 14:25:05

It's not something I would say but perhaps they just meant it is a shame they have to have surgery and the fact that they will be limited in what they can do for the six weeks after the birth.

A CS can also mean there is a concern for the baby and or mother so perhaps that's why they said what they did.

WhereYouLeftIt Thu 15-Nov-12 14:28:48

I would probably have assumed there had been previous conversations where the pregnant mother had expressed fear of a c-section or desire for a natural birth. Or that one of the other mothers had had a hard time with their c-section. Or they knew she was dependent on driving and a c-section rules it out for 6 weeks giving her problems. It needn't have been rude.

emsyj Thu 15-Nov-12 14:29:11

Some people have great c-section experiences Amber, some have terrible ones - like any surgery I suppose. I personally am grateful that DD is healthy and that we both survived what was a major emergency situation, but I want to avoid another section if I can. On the other hand, my neighbour had an emcs first time and a planned (on medical advice) section second time and has only got positive things to say about her experiences and recovery both times, so much so that she can't understand why I don't want another one this time around myself! Everyone's different.

RosannaBanana Thu 15-Nov-12 14:34:21

YANBU

yorks05 Thu 15-Nov-12 15:10:32

As someone who has just had her third section i would have said it's thoughtless. My 1st section saved dd's life. 2nd failed VBAC.Third one a breeze.

phlebas Thu 15-Nov-12 15:16:47

yanbu it is rude & overbearing - I had 4 lovely c-sections* & would've replied with a big grin & "what a strange thing to say! I'm really excited about it"

(the not driving for 6 weeks thing is a myth btw smile

(* and one horrible labour)

thefudgeling Thu 15-Nov-12 15:26:44

yanbu anyone with a little empathy knows it can be a sensitive subject.

Just to put my 2 pennorth in, I gave birth to my ds naturally and I really don't see why it is so fetishised. It's painful and can be dangerous that's why we are so lucky to have medical help available to us.

PeazlyPops Thu 15-Nov-12 15:29:07

Sometimes people don't know what to say, and she picked up the woman's tone that she wasn't happy about having a c-section?

I wouldn't read too much into it. It was probably just an off hand remark.

ethelb Thu 15-Nov-12 15:30:48

tbf I once replied to the same statement "great. how exciting for you" only to be told off for not realising just how terrible and unfair the situation was. Didn't I know it was major abdominal surgery and everyone wants a natural birth?

You can't win really.

shinyblackgrape Thu 15-Nov-12 15:31:45

Oooooh - going to sit on the fence here. think it is more thoughtless than rude. But agree that there could be a back story and maybe both ladies knew the pregnant one wanted a natural delivery.

drjohnsonscat Thu 15-Nov-12 15:32:01

agree with thefudgling and yadnbu.

It's ridiculous. My C Sections were not a shame - they were absolutely brilliant! But even if they hadn't been, it's not a holiday destination, it's a way of getting a baby into the world safely so it's not a cause for pity.

Aboutlastnight Thu 15-Nov-12 15:35:06

After my c sections I was put of hospital after 2 days and in the park with three under 5 a week later!

Rangirl Thu 15-Nov-12 15:37:42

YANBU But sometimes people do not think .I had 2 csections. I was once trying to reassure someone who was going in for one that it was not too bad when someone else cut in to say she would have felt cheated not to have had a vaginal delivery.I felt like saying try having the delivery but no baby having delivered my first born still born child.But I didn't because I try not to hurt people.

drjohnsonscat Thu 15-Nov-12 15:45:46

rangirl I'm sorry for your terrible experience. This is what people who go OTT about the method of delivery miss so often. Frankly, who cares? There are so many more important things as you know all too well. And I know what you mean about not wanting to hurt people. The trouble is, sensitive people don't want to hurt others so don't bash people over the head with their experience. Shame the lady in the OP's story was not cut from the same cloth as you. But as others have said, in her defence, perhaps there was a backstory we don't know about.

shinyblackgrape Thu 15-Nov-12 16:13:19

Rangirl - that is shock. I'm very sorry

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