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DH won't do anything with both kids ...

(52 Posts)
devonsmummy Thu 15-Nov-12 11:39:08

He always says I'll leave Dd with you or that I have to go along too!
He's worked away for 2 weeks home at weekends but working during the day.
So its been me & the kids (just 6 & just 3) I have no family nearby so I've had them 24/7 over half term and taken ds football training & matches early on a Saturday.
Yesterday DH says he's on call at the weekend so could maybe drive to the footie game on Saturday morning in his van invade he has to go.
He's also offered (for me) to pick up another mum & her DS - I have no prob with this.
He just rang and said I've got my callous covered so I can go football.
Great I say - That means I don't have to go.
Err why? He says? What are you going to be doing then?
Nothing - just have some 'me' time for a change, I reply.
He then tells me he's only going to take DS & I'll have to have Dd at home with me.
I'm so pee'd off that the only time he'll do kids stuff is if I'm there or he'll only take DS
So am I being unreasonable to want a couple of hours to myself (which will no doubt be filled with housework/ online Xmas shopping) so not like I'm out partying!

SoftKittyWarmKitty Sat 17-Nov-12 21:26:44

This explains about gaslighting, OP.

Fairenuff Sat 17-Nov-12 19:23:01

Report it to HQ by hitting the 'report' button and ask them to move it to relationships.

Don't panic, there is a lot of really good advice and people can help you through it, step by step.

Keep posting for emotional support too x

devonsmummy Sat 17-Nov-12 17:43:40

How do I get it moved?
What's gas lighting?

SoftKittyWarmKitty Sat 17-Nov-12 17:05:45

Oh my god, he's actually gaslighting his own son sad. What a shitty thing to do. Get this thread moved to relationships and start to make plans to leave this abusive, manipulative twat. Why wait till Christmas? Get him to leave, now.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Sat 17-Nov-12 15:00:19

I would go and see a solicitor for half an hour to get an idea of what you might be entitled to. Do you have info on your finances etc?

A call to the CAB to ask about what benefits you would get would be a good starting point too.

Make your plans and be informed. You don't want him to catch you on the hop by suddenly announcing he is leaving and you not knowing where to turn.

devonsmummy Sat 17-Nov-12 14:50:33

Scared of what happens next .. Where will we live, how will we survive?

devonsmummy Sat 17-Nov-12 14:49:44

Don't want a screaming match in front of the kids.... Hoping to last til Xmas

Alibabaandthe40nappies Sat 17-Nov-12 14:41:09

Why are you tolerating this behaviour from him?

He is using your kids to score points with you in this stupid battle you have got yourselves into. You obviously don't even like each other, so why aren't you separating?

devonsmummy Sat 17-Nov-12 14:19:25

DS came home excited that dad said he'd take him to the skate ramps later
DS just asked when they could go and 'd'h said I never said if take you!
DS - yes you did when we finished footie
DH - no I didn't
DS looks pleadingly at me
DH - dont look at her .. You're just trying to get me in trouble with her again. If u said it I'd do it.
All I said was we'd see what the weather was like
(it's not raining)
DH then in a raised voice - I never said it , always trying to get me in trouble! Slammed living room door, stomped upstairs, slammed bedroom door!
I know it's not normal behaviour ... My poor DS just looked at me confused.sad

Mintyy Sat 17-Nov-12 11:36:28

Does he get time alone without the children and when he's not working during the day?

Don't send your dd to football and to mix with other kids if she's just been sick!

Startail Sat 17-Nov-12 11:34:52

Go out! Don't leave him any option, but to deal with both DCs.

AlienRefluxovermypoppy Sat 17-Nov-12 11:33:27

YANBU, make plans, you should be able to have some kid free time too!

Whatnowffs Sat 17-Nov-12 11:31:01

One word - controlling

Jux Sat 17-Nov-12 11:28:03

How much time does he get to himself? Tell him all the times. Tell him how mcu time you get to yourself. Tell him you'll probably be shopping, cleaning etc in the time you get away from the children. Ask him how long his lunchbreaks are.

Don't just cave into him. If he's in a bad mood when people visit, just ignore him, especially if they're your family.

When we first moved here 7 years ago, dh used to drive back to London once a month to gig. He'd leave on Thursday, gig on Friday night, stay up all night with his mate, maybe gig again on Saturday or Sunday, drive back Monday. Sleep until Tuesday afternoon. After a few months of this, I pointed out to him that once he felt fit for human consumption on Tuesday evening, I expected a full 3 days off, sleeping in, not running about after dd, not shopping, cooking, cleaning, washing up, supervising homework etc.

Funnily enough he started leaving on Friday and returning on Sunday.

GoldPlatedNineDoors Sat 17-Nov-12 10:32:42

Why is it always your dd who has to stay with you?

Fairenuff Sat 17-Nov-12 10:29:34

Your dd should probably not have gone this time, just because she's ill. If she's sick again whilst they are out, he will use it as an excuse next time (as in, you made me take her when she was ill - making you out to the bad one). Also, she might pass on the virus to others. She wouldn't be allowed to go to school today, for example. And she would probably be more comfortable resting at home.

All that aside though, this seems to be more about him trying to control you. What's that all about? Why does he not like you going on the ipad?

Jemma1111 Sat 17-Nov-12 10:28:41

Your H is a selfish, controlling twat!

You need to stand up to him otherwise he will always call the shots

Alibabaandthe40nappies Sat 17-Nov-12 10:18:51

He just sounds so unpleasant!

We need a new microwave because ours has died. DH is dropping me off for my massage this afternoon and then going shopping for one and obviously taking both boys with him. That is a normal thing for a Dad and husband to do.

TantrumsAndBalloons Sat 17-Nov-12 09:41:14

Why is he so concerned what you are doing with your free time?

JackThePumpkinKing Sat 17-Nov-12 09:38:44

Aw surely your DD can't go anywhere if she's been sick though?

He sounds like an arse

devonsmummy Sat 17-Nov-12 09:34:37

Just wrote a long post & it's not posted!
He's gone with all 3 but heavens have opened so probably be back soon

He said to dd this morning
Do you want to stay home with mummy ....... (big pause) or come footie
She said home.
I said no bloody wonder the way you asked her plus the way you asked her yesterday .
All I want is some me time! Which I NEVER get
He said what you ginna do with that time then
I said what does it matter?
He said well you'll probably go on the bloody iPad
So what?!?! Me time is for me to choose what I do!
Then he started with the... Don't try and make out i don't do Nything .. I work bloody hard.
Dd was then sick (sick bug earlier in week)
He let her be so k in kitchen sick then put tap in & say down .
I went and cleaned & disinfected sick rather huffily.
He said to dd you still coming football
Yes she said
Oh you'd. Better ask mummy
Putting the blame on me if she's sick again
Oh When the mum dropped off her son he said I'm taking them macdonalds after

carabos Fri 16-Nov-12 20:28:38

We know a few couples like this where between them they compete to see who can get away with doing the least with the DCs and each half of the couple does all they can to ensure that the other half doesn't get an opportunity to escape from childcare for a while.

In one couple, where the DW is the wage earner and the DH the SAHP, DW point blank refuses to be left with both DCs under any circumstances. She just won't do it. She will look after one or other of them on her own but only if there is absolutely no alternative.

I don't get it, but as I say IME it's not uncommon.

SoftKittyWarmKitty Fri 16-Nov-12 20:21:34

So you're looking after your DD while he takes your DS and someone else's child to football, then you are staying in with the kids while he has a night out, then no doubt you'll be waiting on him and his mate on Sunday morning because they'll be hungover as fuck.

Is this what you want for the rest of your life? He sounds awful.

I'd suggest getting this thread moved to relationships, you'll get advice there from people who've been where you are.

Fairenuff Fri 16-Nov-12 20:21:24

I don't understand why he gets to decide what's happening with you and the kids all the time confused

Why don't you just tell him you want the some regular time to yourself without the children?

I'm not convinced that you want to change things tbh because that would require you to stand up to him and ignore his strops and childish sulking.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Fri 16-Nov-12 20:15:33

You are married to a selfish man.

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