My DH is lovely. The kindest, hardworking, sweetest, funniest man and so on... I really have no complaints apart from one.
He is so so messy and untidy. We have been together for 13 years and although he has improved somewhat, he still has lapses where he basically is a bit of a pig. If I ask him to clean something up, he will usually do it but often I have to ask him at least 2/3 times.
The other deeper issue is when he was a child he was quite severely mistreated and abused by both parents. He sees neither and has had a lot of medication and soul searching to get over this. Amazingly he is one of the most well-adjusted and balanced people I know. However, he does have this habit of reacting badly to confrontation or anger, particularly from me.
So, for example if I ask him to empty the bin because I have joint problems and I am pregnant and frankly the bin makes me fucking nauseous, I HAVE to ask him at least three times. After that I start to lose the plot and get angry and raise voice. He then reacts in his typical fashion which is to get very quietly upset and go upstairs and hide. He will do this either before or after he has emptied the bin. The upshot is, I end up apologising to him or it turns into a massive row, which he says he is trying to avoid by essentially hiding.
It's hard to explain...
This morning I have gone down to the kitchen to discover the remains of his breakfast, complete with coffee grounds and sticky spoons lying all over the small work surface we have. He fed our DD last night as I was knackered and catching up on some much needed sleep and clearly she dropped most of the food on the kitchen floor. It is still there. Hardened. Despite me asking him 2 days ago, the bastard kitchen bin is still overflowing.
I am so pissed off with all of this. It is like I am his skivvy. He doesn't do this all the time so when it does happen it drives me up the wall. I know if I tackle it with him, he will say sorry and will withdraw and disappear. Again I will be left feeling 'unreasonable' for being angry. I don't scream at him or anything, just am obviously upset.
Recently a family member of his told me that his mother used to scream at him for being untidy and would mistreat him horribly for the slightest mess. I wasn't aware of this but it goes someway towards explaining his odd reaction to being asked to do something. Stupid things is, he will quite randomly pull his weight. He will happily clean kitchen, load dishwasher etc and helps me in the evening after dinner to clean up.
I don't know how to tackle this with him. I am so pissed off with the levels of mess this morning yet I know the inevitable outcome of me talking to him. I will get frustrated and he will 'hide' and the whole evening will be a washout.
Any ideas on an approach?
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AIBU?
To feel frustrated and powerless about this situation - housework related.
25 replies
Marzipanface · 15/11/2012 10:42
OP posts:
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