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To stop having sex? it over?

(74 Posts)
mumstonic Thu 15-Nov-12 08:52:29

Sorry, I this is long. I just need to get some perspective on this as its killing me?

My relationship with DP has hit an all-time low. The main issue for most of our arguments is sex or the lack of. Since having DD3 (6months) I have had absolutely no sex drive whatsoever. In fact it?s fair to say, I actually really dislike sex and will do anything to avoid it.

I know that there are several issues at play here, firstly I?m still breastfeeding. Secondly, DP and I have been through a really difficult few years and we have trust issues. He hasn?t cheated, but he has lied allot and as a result I still feel hurt and struggle to get over the past. Thirdly, we?ve had our fair share of other problems; I lost my dad in tragic circumstances, my mum was diagnosed with invasive breast cancer, my two younger brothers have both been recently diagnosed with a degenerative heart condition, our business failed, we were sued for a car accident that didn?t even happen, we?re in debt and now the job DP has been made redundant and so I?ll have to return to a job I hate with a bullying boss.

DP can?t seem to seem to understand that I?m struggling to function, let alone perform in the bedroom. Not a day goes by when he doesn?t ask for sex and to him it?s the most important thing in the world. We argue about sex every day and he can?t seem to recognise we have bigger problems that need addressing before I can feel relaxed enough to get intimate. In the past I would have sex once or twice a week, just to shut him up, but even then it was never enough. In fact I could have sex with him every day and he?d still want more. So recently, I have given up on sex completely AIBU?.

My rationale behind adopting a no sex rule, is that we need to focus on the other aspects of our relationship first. I?m struggling to forgive him for some of the things he has done and I resent him for not appreciating me more. Of course I know this is massively unfair to withhold sex, but I just can?t seem to bring myself to do it and I hate him for continuingly pushing the issue. The last time we had sex I cried throughout and of course this made him feel like sh*t. He feels rejected and unloved and I feel as though he expects too much of me. Can we get through this? Please help.

JennyPiccolo Thu 15-Nov-12 08:55:05

He shouldn't be expecting anything of you. Yanbu, but I'm not really sure how you can fix this really. You sound like you'd struggle to find time to shower yourself, much less have sex.

Tabliope Thu 15-Nov-12 08:55:18

I think you both need some kind of couples counselling together to get through it. I don't think you can on your own. It's the last thing you want as everything doesn't feel right but it's maybe what he needs to feel everything is right. Get to the GP today and ask for counselling. Good luck.

Justforlaughs Thu 15-Nov-12 08:56:55

My only advice would be to see if he will go to some kind of marriage/ relationship councelling with you or both go seperately to start with. You need to be able to talk to each other and understand where each is coming from. I personally find sex healing in itself but I know that lots of people don't. Hope you sort things out OP thanks

GilbGeekette Thu 15-Nov-12 08:58:02

No advice but didn't want to read and run. However, being asked/nagged/whatever to be intimate on a daily basis would be a huge turn-off for me, regardless of any other issues. You sound like you're having a shitty time and fwiw, I think sex would be at the bottom of my list too. I hope you get some helpful advice, sending you a sympathetic brew right now.

mumstonic Thu 15-Nov-12 09:21:14

Thank you for all of your supportive comments. We have discussed counselling, but we cant really afford it, whilst our only income is my smp. I think when I go back to work, it would be a worthwhile investment, but not sure how I'm going to cope in the meantime. I'm started to hate him.

CailinDana Thu 15-Nov-12 09:31:04

When you were crying during sex, did he just carry on, or did he stop?

ClippedPhoenix Thu 15-Nov-12 09:43:17

Goodness gracious OP, I don't think there's a plate big enough to put all that on! and he's pressuring you for sex!

Words fail me here. I'd hate him too honey.

You need to lay it all on the line with him (if you haven't done already)

If you asked for a serious talk, would he listen?

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 15-Nov-12 09:45:05

YANBU to think it's over. I don't think you can 'get through this' with such a selfish man. He's clearly totally dismissive of anything except his own requirements and has no regard for your feelings whatsoever. He's a liar so you don't trust him and not only is he not doing anything to correct that, he's forcing you to have sex against your will. That's commonly known as 'rape'.... not surprised you hate him.

I'd suggest you ask him to leave for a while, spend some time apart, work out what it is you actually want out of life, relationships, parenthood etc., and consider your options. He sounds totally devoid of empathy and a nasty piece of work into the bargain.

Whatnowffs Thu 15-Nov-12 09:45:42

Is he always so selfish? He continued to have sex wiht you even though you were crying? I didn't pick that up until i saw cogito's post but christ on a bike, thats terrible. I was about to say that lack of intimacy in a relationship whilst often a result of issues can cause issues too and that a "no sex rule" can't be a good thing. But no means no and for him to do this to you while you were crying (which to me intimates a no, and that is quite enough!) well, we are getting into territory that makes me very uncomfortable.

Money worries can be draining, if you have debt problems please contact the national debt line (a charity) who may well be able to help you.


mumstonic Thu 15-Nov-12 09:46:57

He stopped, but then got up and told me he was going home first thing in the morning (we were on a weekend break away with the kids). He sulks or nags and uses the "I'm a red blooded male, I have needs" argument. Makes me think he is an insensitive arse, especially when I'm spent the afternoon at the hospital with my mum whilst she has chemotherapy or when I've been up all night with the baby. If he is not nagging, he takes an emotional stance, telling me he feels unloved and rejected. I of course then feel guilty and a failure, but I'm juggling too much - i'm exhausted!

Fairylea Thu 15-Nov-12 09:49:34

Ermm and his good points are .....?

Because I'm not seeing any.

So why not be on your own... no pressure for sex then! I loved being a single parent. It's very hard but liberating.

AlienRefluxovermypoppy Thu 15-Nov-12 09:53:42

It's difficult because in my experience women need to feel loved to have sex and men need sex to feel loved.

You need to have a serious talk, tell him sex is off the menu for now, to stop pressuring you because it's not working, and making you resent him.

Then try and get the emotional closeness back, lots of cuddles, talking, doing things you enjoy together, it's an effort, but if you don't both start making it, your marriage will be over, is that what you want though? Or do you want it to get better?

You sound like you may have given up on it?

Whatnowffs Thu 15-Nov-12 10:02:53

ewww, he sounds like a pig

Whatnowffs Thu 15-Nov-12 10:05:14

Alien, i woudlnt blame the OP if she HAD given up tbh, i woudlnt want that man touching me!

Mimstar Thu 15-Nov-12 10:06:11

You sound like your having an awful time sad I hope things start to pick for you soon.

I would say though, that although your husband is undoubtedly handling this situation badly, I wouldn't write him off completely. My DH & I are the opposite way around, I have a very high libido and DH's is lower. We generally have sex twice a week, I could do it every day.

We went through a period of hardly doing it at all, DH was stressed with work and he had gained weight so didn't feel up to it. I did my best to be sensitive to this, but for me sex = closeness. Throughout that time, I felt very disconnected from DH, and I have to admit that there were times I got upset with him about it, it was frustrating. Not just in a physical way, but emotionally it felt like there was something missing.

I am not excusing your DH's behaviour, he should make more of an effort to understand and I regret the times when I was just plain pissed off. But for some people, it is a need, not just in the 'red blooded male' sense, but I think that for some people it equates with closeness and love. It is very difficult to not be able to be intimate with the one you love, when it feels natural.

I totally get why you don't want to, and you absolutely shouldn't have to! That is totally your choice. I'm not excusing him, I'm just trying to explain that at times when you are desperate to be close it can be hard.

Really hope things improve for you.

mumstonic Thu 15-Nov-12 10:11:21

Its so difficult to give a balanced argument without making him out to be a complete arse (perhaps he is?). He works hard, (when he has a job or not making stupid business decisions). DD1 and DD2 love him and he is a good dad to them but not DD3 - he hasnt bonded with her at all. He even admitted being jealous of me breastfeeding (pathetic, right?).

I know he loves me, almost to the point of being obsessive. He tells me he loves me constantly and calls me about 20 times a day (its suffocating). He tries to be thoughtful and romantic, flowers, gifts dinner, kind gestures etc, but it all seems to be for one thing.

We use to have so much in common and strive for similar things, only now it just seems like such a struggle and almost every conversation is about sex or I'm not even sure I like him anymore - he suddenly seems very immature.

I guess I dont want to raise 3 children on my own. My parents divorced when I was 6 and I had a pretty shit time living with an abusive step-dad. I think I may be pattern repeating - accepting that this is okay to be in a terrible relationship when it really isn't. God I need to get a grip!

AlienRefluxovermypoppy Thu 15-Nov-12 10:13:43

If you split though, your kids wouldn't be living with an abusive step dad would they? They would be fine, and so would you.

How long has this been going on OP? Honestly?

CailinDana Thu 15-Nov-12 10:16:18

So you were having sex, you started crying, and he got up in a strop? Sorry to focus on this one incident, but I think once you've had a bad or traumatic experience with a sexual partner it's very hard to have sex with them again as trust is such a big part of the whole thing and the trust is severely damaged. His behaviour in that situation was disgusting - rather than being sorry that you were upset, he just got in a mood. He seems to think you owe him sex and that you're shirking your duty. He doesn't seem to care whether you actually want or enjoy sex. Such a fundamental lack of care for your feelings can totally destroy a relationship.

He does sound suffocating - that level of contact during the day would drive me batshit crazy.

Whatnowffs Thu 15-Nov-12 10:26:58

Has the sex thing only been since your DD born? The thing is and this is a bit off the wall, men can get a form of PND, im not excusing his behaviour which is waaay out of line but this could be worht considering when you say he was otherwise a good dad, a good partner - (and probably more attractive to you at that point!) and now he pesters you for sex and then jealousy of the baby. If i were you i would INSIST he sees his GP and gets some help. Depression doesn't excuse his behaviour but it may explain it and if he is willing to work through it then you have a chance together, but other than that, i think things are looking pretty bleak actually.

Whatnowffs Thu 15-Nov-12 10:29:52

Also, im sorry to say this but he already sounds abusive - an abusive father would be just as damaging as an abusive step-dad. I know you say he is a good dad but good fathers don't behave like this to the mother of their children. The not bonding with the DD3 and the sex thing (when you were crying) are HUGE red flags imvo.

mumstonic Thu 15-Nov-12 10:30:15

Alien, thats true. I know there is a strong argument for raising our kids in a single parent family rather than a unhappy one, but I cant help feeling so terrible for breaking up the family.

I have asked him to leave in the past, but he tells me he will never leave his kids. That said, he did stay at a friends once after a huge argument and the same night asked a girl out on a dinner date. I only found out after discovering a facebook message to his friend saying how amazing she was.

mumstonic Thu 15-Nov-12 10:40:54

Thinking about it, it gets worse. There have been so many other things happen that are wrong on so many levels.

I think PND could be a possibility, though if i'm honest things were going down hill long before DD3 was born. In fact the last time we were okay, was just before we TTC. Since then life has been a shower of sh*t and DP has done some pretty stupid things as a result of feeling out of control.

He doesnt cope well will stress and as a child had ADHD so sometimes adult symptoms arise and he goes off the rails. He did go to the GP several months ago and was given anti depressants, but he didnt take them.

flatbellyfella Thu 15-Nov-12 11:22:04

YANBU, he sounds like a Bullying self centred Twat.

CajaDeLaMemoria Thu 15-Nov-12 11:28:25

I was very prepared to say that you were BU - it can be difficult being the person with the higher sex drive.

But, if you've typically had sex twice a week, he doesn't suddenly need it once a day. Pestering isn't attractive, and he is quite capable of taking care of himself should he need too. Or just being an adult and not having sex.

He treats you like his property, and I'm not surprised you don't want to have sex with him. He has caused huge issues in the relationship, and is still expecting to be able to "claim" you. Who on earth would want to have sex with someone so distressed by the idea that they are crying?! Why didn't that make him take a good hard look at himself and your relationship, and see how much needs fixing?

I think perhaps you should consider whether this can be fixed, and if it's worth trying. If you're honest, I'm not sure it will be. It sounds like any effort put into rebuilding trust and love will be trashed by him lying again, and you seem to be well past finding him sexually attractive. The cleanest break you can manage will probably be the best idea here.

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