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AIBU to expect condolences

(91 Posts)
spiritedaway Thu 15-Nov-12 00:28:45

I informed my longish distance fiance my grandfather died today..i fully expected him to call on his lunch break. We habitually text throughout the day. He said i should have asked him to call. This eve a text to say hope you're ok and his phone is not working well...then when i eventually email and he replies i say i had expected him to call or get in touch somehow as i certainly would have if his grandmother had died..the blame is mine. He says i am being out of order to make him feel guilty and i know he is there if i need him.

justmyview Fri 16-Nov-12 09:40:29

Stay strong, don't accept stuff that doesn't make you happy just because you're anxious about being on your own.

spiritedaway Fri 16-Nov-12 09:31:04

i mean am reading throughh this thread x

spiritedaway Fri 16-Nov-12 09:30:31

hi. . i am listening. i haven't posted about him before. Thanks everyone. am reading through this text and not texting him good morning but feel very childish about not being the 1st one to text on principle.

HissyByName Fri 16-Nov-12 07:27:11

Please listen to Hecate?

HissyByName Fri 16-Nov-12 07:26:03

You've posted about him before, i think?

mummytime Fri 16-Nov-12 07:24:06

Please come back and tell us you've dumped him.
And I am so sorry for the loss of your Grandad. Just remember life is too short, so go and live it the way he (Grandad) would want you to.

HecatePropylaea Fri 16-Nov-12 07:02:46

Did you reply to his texts all day? Or did you ignore them?

If you replied, he probably feels you are suitably punished.

If you didn't reply, he probably thinks shit, probably pushed this one too hard, better give her some hope to cling to.

He's an arse.

you didn't say stuff to MAKE him feel bad. You told him that you felt let down - and you had a right to!

Instead of saying "yes, sorry, I should have at least acknowledged your loss" etc - he goes on the attack

He makes the pain of your loss all about him. He makes you feel bad for needing him! He makes him the victim and you apologise

He then treats you to a full day of spiteful texts before throwing you a bone. Which I hope to god you don't do what I think you're going to do and be grateful for it, feel happy he's forgiven you, etc.

Well, you are suitably punished now, aren't you? You've been made to feel like a terrible person for expecting your fiance to care about you. He's turned it round to a failure on your part, had you apologise, had you feeling like it's your fault, treated you to abusive texts all day and then deigned to forgive you hmm

I have the feeling that you're going to marry him regardless. you're going to take this fake apology as evidence that he loves you really. You're going to believe that actually, it was your fault.

And you'll be back here, in a year, in two years, detailing your marriage to a controlling and verbally abusive man. sad

I hope I am wrong. I really hope I am wrong. Because your life is going to be shit and you'll look back on today one day and you'll say I wish I'd listened back then.

Please. I am begging you! You have a chance to walk away and spare yourself the life many women on here have suffered. you don't have children with him. You don't have ties to him. You don't even live with him. It's so easy (compared!)

Don't walk into a world that women who are in would give anything to get out of.

PurplePidjin Thu 15-Nov-12 23:02:44

Is his cock made of chocolate coated diamond that you should be so grateful for his attentions? hmm

spiritedaway Thu 15-Nov-12 22:41:30

thanks all, for advice and condolences. . it's so lovely when people give a shit ;) x x

Katisha Thu 15-Nov-12 21:33:00

So its definitely all about him isnt it.
How gracious of him to accept your apology.
How gracious of him to bloody well run around seeing you.
How very grateful you must be that he bothers with you at all...

I'm sorry you are feeling drained by all this. I think however it sounds very much like you could do a lot better, or indeed be better off on your own, without having to walk on eggshells around a self-centred twit.

Isityouorme Thu 15-Nov-12 21:26:08

Woah ..... Walk away now. Don't even think about it.

Sorry for your loss. Would have said it earlier but I was shocked by what your dt (darling twat) had said to you.

LemonBreeland Thu 15-Nov-12 20:46:29

Please, please, strongly rethink your future with this man. He really is incredibly self centred.

spiritedaway Thu 15-Nov-12 20:16:48

actually he didn't say don't you dare. . just don't you bloody question etc

spiritedaway Thu 15-Nov-12 20:15:35

sorry phone errors. . not on the lash ;) Also i pointed out although i said stuff to make him feel bad i actually gave a shit about hurting him even then apologized immediately. It took all day of texts from him pointing out the error of my ways until finally 7pm i get a text saying i accept your apology wish i was there to look after you. Yeah it's shit.

spiritedaway Thu 15-Nov-12 20:11:54

i feel tired out with it. . has said since don't you dare bloody question my comitment when i spend all my bloody time running around to come to see you. i have kids and he has i house share to not practical to do it the other way.

snuffaluffagus Thu 15-Nov-12 17:31:37

I'm lost for words at his behaviour to be honest. I'm so sorry sad

LemonBreeland Thu 15-Nov-12 16:38:47

Just come across this thread. He sounds awful. You are bereaved and have apologised even though you did nothing wrong, and he still only cares about himself.

This really is a case of ltb.

I would probably send a text saying the above re: how he still hasn't asked how you are, and is making you feel bad about nothing while you are upset.

Although it would most likely be a waste of time.

Helltotheno Thu 15-Nov-12 16:27:12

OP it's obvious from your tone that this is just a mere blip in your onward progression to being shacked up with a self-centred twunt possible undesirable. There are times in our lives when we're given a window of opportunity to make the right decision (in your case, to avoid a life of forgotten birthdays & anniversaries, putting you last, being a self-centred arse and quite possibly worse) and everyone on this thread strongly suggests that you take it.

If you don't... well let's just make a date for the Relationships forum shall we, in about say, two years from now ?? Looking forward to it already grin

gwenniebee Thu 15-Nov-12 16:17:14

Well, I have never done an LTB before.

But really.... your grandfather died, and suddenly wanting a "virtual hug" so to speak is unreasonable? What a self-centred piece of work. If, as he says, he knew you were upset then that is surely all the more reason to call? And actually, even if YHBU (which I don't think you had), in the immediate aftermath of the death of a relative, it's acceptable to have a few U moments!

I'm sorry about your grandfather.

justmyview Thu 15-Nov-12 16:06:06

Well. . I got a response to my apology. It says i know you were upset but you were well out of Order. . .

For the avoidance of doubt OP, "I know you were upset" is not an apology or acknowledgement on his part. The reason? Because he goes on to justify himself. After 24 hours to think on it, he still thinks you're in the wrong.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Thu 15-Nov-12 15:59:54

Sorry about your grandfather OP.
I can't believe your fiance has turned this into you apologising to him for being upset at his lack of response.
No he's not a psychopath just a selfish tosser who has time to FB but not talk to you. "Longish distance" doesn't mean Mars presumably.

Pandemoniaa Thu 15-Nov-12 15:42:08

I'm sorry but I don't like the sound of him. I'm also sorry about the death of your grandfather.

However, he seems to have turned an unhappy event for you into something that's all about him and his wounded pride. At the very least he is extremely selfish. However, from your subsequent posts, he sounds as if he is entirely bereft of compassion and quite disinterested in your feelings.

suburbophobe Thu 15-Nov-12 15:29:50

I know now he will go on about how out of order i was until i make him feel better about himself.

Why do you want to marry this man? He will make your life a misery (is already doing it).

I'm sorry for your loss. And then compounded by not getting support from him.

Sometimes these things open our eyes to who and what is really important in our life.

KellyEllyChristmasBelly Thu 15-Nov-12 15:27:20

YABU he's not a mind reader. If you wanted to talk you could have ring him. Honestly, you can't get pissy for someone for not knowing exactly what you were thinking. Really? This is something you need to spell out for your fiance if a close relative has just died. Just a normal thing someone with an iota of compassion would do surely.

rockinastocking Thu 15-Nov-12 15:17:43

That would be 'minute'. Stupid phone.

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