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To take DD to see my parents every Sunday?

(95 Posts)
UndercoverWriter Wed 14-Nov-12 22:21:22

DH has been a regular Sunday league cricketer since before we got married 10 years ago, as a result Sunday became my day to visit my parents - going round about midday and staying for dinner so getting home about 7.30pm (DH out from about 12.30 pm and usually home between 8-9pm).

This has continued since DD (now 8) was born and is fine in the summer months, but when the cricket season is over it becomes a huge bone of contention in the winter.

I still visit my parents with DD every Sunday, but usually from about 11am - 3/3.30pm, so we're home in time to spend some time together and have a Sunday dinner. I feel this is a reasonable compromise on my part - my parents are in their 70's and my daughter and I are the only family they have.

DH thinks we shouldn't go to visit them every week as he is around and we could spend the time together. I think it's unfair to expect me to drop them just because he has 'nothing better to do'. He would never agree to miss a cricket game so we could have family time during the summer months (I have asked - DD's birthday fell on a Sunday a few years ago and I wanted to have her party on the actual day but it clashed with a match angry.

So, what's the MN verdict? I'm generally quite laid back but I really don't feel inclined to back down over this.

Am a regular btw - name changed!

Hassled Wed 14-Nov-12 22:22:59

You're right, he's wrong. Can he not come with you? And where do his parents feature in all this - are they around?

ImagineJL Wed 14-Nov-12 22:24:00

YANBU.

Could he go with you to your parents, if he wants to spend time together?

ChablisLover Wed 14-Nov-12 22:24:25

Yadnbu

My ds sees his grandparents every day or every few days

You are building relationships between your parents and dd

How often does she see your dh parents

stargirl1701 Wed 14-Nov-12 22:25:54

YANBU. He is.

musicmadness Wed 14-Nov-12 22:26:07

From the point of view of the DC I went to my grandparents every Sunday and absolutely loved it. There were obviously exceptions for special events but not many.

I can see both sides TBH, do you spend Saturdays together as a family? Could you maybe compromise and say that 1 weekend a month you will have a family day on a Sunday? Or maybe just go to your parents for an hour? Or could he come with you to your parents? That's what my dad did whenever his plans fell through and he always seemed to enjoy himself at least.

PopMusicShoobyDoobyDoA Wed 14-Nov-12 22:27:22

YANBU. It's unfair of your husband to ask you and DD to drop these visits in the winter when he refuses to compromise about his summer cricket. I think you have reached a nice compromise by shortening the hours of the visits during the winter. How lovely for DD and your DP to spend time together regularly.

UndercoverWriter Wed 14-Nov-12 22:28:07

He is very anti my parents. We have had a few ups and downs over the years and words have been had - nothing major and they have otherwise bent over backwards to try and build a relationship with him but he's having none of it.

His parents are also local, but 10 years younger. MIL has a fairly full on job and FIL is a sweet but quite solitary bloke.

I am expected to fall in with every family occasion of theirs (not very many these days tbh) or all hell breaks loose, in spite of the fact the MIL and I have, at times, had an extremely volatile relationship. I don't mind accommodating this for the most part as they are DD's family and it's easier and more pleasant for everyone if we both just go along.

Fillybuster Wed 14-Nov-12 22:28:14

You're both a bit right (and a bit wrong). Although you're more right wink

He should be able to see that your parents want to see DD all year round and that they (and, probably, she) get a lot of joy from the visits.

You should be able to appreciate that he wants to have some 'family' day ytips now and again.

(Although I am very hmm at the priority cricket gets over family)

I suggest you line up some structured family stuff for Saturdays, so you do stuff 'together', stick to the Sunday visits (and don't make them shorter) but re-stress the fact DH is very welcome to come along too.

But possibly agree to trade Sundays - i.e you'll visit your parents 3 weeks out of 4 through the winter if (and only if) he agrees to miss cricket 1 week out of 4 in the summer. Otherwise you (and DD's) place in the pecking order is perfectly clear, and you should continue to prioritise the people who genuinely want to see you (and aren't just bored).

NervousAt20 Wed 14-Nov-12 22:29:56

YANBU
Why should you cancel and change your plans when he won't do the same for you and his DD

thebody Wed 14-Nov-12 22:33:19

No he's acting like a spoilt brat. He wants you and dd around when he can't play with his friends.

You have compromised so tell him to come with you or maybe cut the visit a little shorter but still go.

How lovely for dd to have this weekly visit. I bet she loves it.

steppemum Wed 14-Nov-12 22:33:46

personally I would find all day every sunday a massive inroad into my own family life and would say YABU.
But the cricket thing does change it, especially if he is not willing to compromise.
Mostly when we go to my P it is as a fmaily. I am close to my P who live nearby, but don't see them every week for a whole day (they are busy as well!)

So I am sitting on the fence. YABU in principle, but he is BU because of his cricket!

steppemum Wed 14-Nov-12 22:34:47

I like what fillybuster said about testing his willingness to trade

TheOriginalSteamingNit Wed 14-Nov-12 22:35:22

If he won't deviate in cricket season, he has not a leg to stand on! YANBU.

flossy101 Wed 14-Nov-12 22:35:52

Yanbu at all!!!

Don't back down!!!!!

UndercoverWriter Wed 14-Nov-12 22:36:09

We can only line up so much for Saturdays as he and DD (as of this season) have season tickets to the footy which I suspect is a bit of point making/scoring on his part

I was wondering about your 1 in 4 suggestion Filly, purely because I am sick to death of the snarky comments and sulks of a Sunday, but would bet good money that come next summer there'll be a reason why he can't reciprocate.

PIL's see DD once a week, albeit not for as long a period of time. She stays over at both of their houses - probably 1 in 3 overnighters with the PIL's and they occasionally take her out for the day (2-3 times a year, but if they ask/suggest I don't generally say no).

I'm not sure DH entirely realises how strongly I feel re DD having this relationship with them. I never knew my grandfathers and both my nans were dead by the time I was 7 and didn't live locally anyway, so it's a big deal for me that DD gets to make the most of them while they are here and fit.

I have tried to make this point to him, but having had his own GP's until he was in his late 30's/early 40's I don't think he really 'gets it'.

UndercoverWriter Wed 14-Nov-12 22:37:37

DD does love it - she and my mum have a chronic Bin Weevils habit which tends to be there activity of choice (unless Dad offers her a trip to the pub!) grin

UndercoverWriter Wed 14-Nov-12 22:38:00

their!!! shock

piprabbit Wed 14-Nov-12 22:38:57

Any chance of asking your parents to your house every couple of weeks for Sunday lunch, so that some weeks you visit them and other weeks they visit you. That way you are at home with your DH and he can interact with you and your DD on at least some of the winter weekends.

maras2 Wed 14-Nov-12 22:39:51

What a very selfish man.YANBU.

Onetwothreeoops Wed 14-Nov-12 22:42:30

It might take the pressure off if he got himself a winter hobby, is their anything you could (subtly) suggest?

UndercoverWriter Wed 14-Nov-12 22:43:10

pip - DH is not the welcoming soul when it comes to my parents sad

UndercoverWriter Wed 14-Nov-12 22:44:36

That's a very good point oops - he's too old for playing footy regularly but he used to coach children...will have to keep an eye out!

PickledFanjoCat Wed 14-Nov-12 22:44:47

You are right.

If he wants every other week for eg he has to be willing to do this all year round!

Cheeky bugger!

PopMusicShoobyDoobyDoA Wed 14-Nov-12 22:46:42

I take my DS round to my parents either a Saturday or Sunday pretty much every week. He loves it, they love it. My DP shoves us out of the door. we spend the whole day there. He needs to stop being such a wet blanket.

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