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I can't stand it anymore! I need to know if i AIBU?!

(134 Posts)
SmallBump48 Wed 14-Nov-12 17:23:13

Every week we see my Inlaws, we go for a meal round there and at least one other visit during the week for a cuppa/Visits from them.

MIL also rings DH every other day at around 10pm at night and then moans if he doesnt pick up When we are in bed together

So the last four days went like this...

Saturday: Spent all day with them.
Sunday: Spent half the day with them.
Monday: 2 hour phone call to DH from MIL.
Tuesday: Visited for about 3 hours in the evening.
Today: Another 2 hour phone call to DH.

I talked to DH about needing some time to ourselves in the evenings/weekends as he works 8/10 hour days. He told me that we do spend time together... "Sitting watching TV" and says that he would find spending the day just me him and our DD "Boring".

Ever since we have been together me and DH havent been out just to two of us and i have dropped plenty of hints that i would love if he planned a trip to the cinema and a couple of drinks after just me and him one weekend, Again this would be boring to him.

So this evening i told him that i do not want to visit nor want any visitors for the rest of the week as i want to just spend time with me, Him and our DD. He thought that i was being extremely unreasonable "Pushing his family away".

I see my family once a week and this is enough for me as i think we have our own family now and need to make time for us but DH cannot do anything without mentioning his MIL and is always saying that he wants us to go over there to see them and if i dont want to he starts a big arguement about how unreasonable i am being because it would just be a "Quick visit" But it always turns into a 3 hour one

I am sick of seeing my Inlaws so much, I do not get on with them anyway as they have voiced how i am not "Good" enough for DH as i am not at all academic and i am not intelligent enough And not as skinny nor pretty as his previous partner which his sister voiced when she met me but i am always kind and considerate to them.

It has become to much now, DH wants to see them 4 times a week and i just think that it is way to much! An example of how much he values them is when me and DH were watching a film, Just put DD to bed and were cuddling on the sofa when he gets a text from MIL saying ring her, She would love to hear from him. I told him to ring her tomorrow as we were spending time together and he got so angry with me that it turned into an arguement, He eventually sat down After telling me how unreasonable i had been and about 5 minutes later said that he was going to the loo. An hour later i find him on the phone to MIL whilst sitting on the bath!

AIBU to want some space and for DH to make more effort with spending time as a family?

JackThePumpkinKing Wed 14-Nov-12 18:01:21

SmallBump have you ever been on holiday together?

FatimaLovesBread Wed 14-Nov-12 18:03:03

I can't believe you've never done anything alone, like not even a holiday? Or an evening at a shopping centre? Or a meal?

If someone said they thought time with me was boring and they always invited friends along when we were out, I don't think I could deal with that.
I'd want to be with someone who spends time with ME because they like spending time with ME, and weren't permanently looking for ways to not be alone with me.

I'm not saying it should be for you, but for me it would be a deal breaker

VivaLeBeaver Wed 14-Nov-12 18:05:26

I've read some jaw dropping things on mn but this is in the top 10.

I could seriously not put up with this. Have you considered counselling.

piprabbit Wed 14-Nov-12 18:07:00

Get your MIL round to babysit and take your DH out.
Hopefully you'll have a lovely time and it can mark the start of a new phase in your relationship.

Inaflap Wed 14-Nov-12 18:07:24

It sound like he is using his mother as an escape. It does not sound as if he can cope with the realities of a wife and child. Some men have an all consuming hobby, your seems to have developed this bond with his mother, which is lovely for her but in no way normal. I think you need to start carving out your own interests and hobbies that might pique his interest. He might be the sort who like 'the chase' but is not interested once he doesn't have the challenge.

I think he probablly doesn't realise that seeing his mum, however nice she is, is not quite normal and I am surpised that she is not encouraging him to spend more time with you otherwise her grandaughter will have a split family. At the moment he sounds more trouble than he is worth. I think if he wants to see his mum ten let him but make sure that you and your child go and do something else fun and make sure he knows how much he is missing out. Once a week visit is sufficient. You need to decide whether you want to cut your losses or if you want to keep him then you are going to have to be canny and provide the sort of competition for his attention that his mother can't compete with. As a withered old bag, I couldn't be arsed personally but you are younger and have time and DNA invested in this man so might think differently.

Good luck.

PanickingIdiot Wed 14-Nov-12 18:07:27

You've never been alone just the two of you? resists bad joke about managing to have children

It sounds like a bizarre plotline for a crap mystery film.

Sorry for not being more helpful, but it really is too weird for words.

BarbecuedBillygoats Wed 14-Nov-12 18:09:02

Did you go on a honeymoon?

HearMyRoar Wed 14-Nov-12 18:09:21


I am amazed you want to be with someone who finds spending time with you boring. I am equally amazed that he wants to be with someone who he can't bare to b alone with. I would have thought liking spending time with someone is really the most basic requirement for a relationship.

Lulabellarama Wed 14-Nov-12 18:09:49

There is absolutely no way you are being unreasonable.
Does he demonstrate his love for you in any way? Has he ever made any sacrifice for you?

Lavenderhoney Wed 14-Nov-12 18:10:44

How old is your dd? Does she have activities she would rather do? I would get busy at weekends and get hobby ( writing a book or something, keeping fit ) so I would stay at home with dd. or invite friends round for dinner a lot. If he prefers to pop to his mums, fine, but you have plans.

It does sound strange though, my dm would not pick up if I kept calling hersmile agree, what do they talk about?

Have you thought of leaving? It sounds rather stagnant to me and like its not enough anymore and you would like it to change by him becoming a dad and husband or you clearing off with your dd. it's not very exciting for her is it? Can you invite her friends round a lot too, as that means you get to stay home?

OnwardBound Wed 14-Nov-12 18:12:23

Relationship counselling? Considering you are married and have a child together it might be worth a try?

If you were merely dating I would advise you to ditch him as he doesn't sound a good long term prospect. He finds being with you and your DD boring? He prefers to spend time with his family and friends than spend quality time with his DW? That doesn't bode well for your relationship I'm afraid sad

I feel you are living the life I would have had if I had married my exP. He was also unhealthily attached to his family and sought their approval over all else. He constantly in little [cutting phone calls short with me as he could see his Mum was on call waiting] and not so little ways [not inviting me to family Christmas] let me know how low I stood in his list of people he valued and enjoyed spending time with.

Thank God I had just enough self preservation to let him go when I discovered he had been cheating on me! [not suggesting that your DH is cheating on you OP - although some might feel your DMIL is jostling for top position in his affections and DH is facilitating or encouraging this and this is similar to his having "another woman" in his life iyswim!]

Life is too short to waste on people who don't value or respect you OP. It may be that some honest discussion about feelings and behaviour may clear the air here, although the severity of what you describe makes me think not.

So professional help may be your best bet...

Good luck!

SenoritaViva Wed 14-Nov-12 18:13:36

Very weird. He needs to realise that he has to choose and that doesn't mean cutting his mum out but a different lifestyle. I hate to be negative but this really rings alarm bells for me. It sounds a lot more about your relationship than just the one he has with his mother.

Good luck sorting this out.

thebody Wed 14-Nov-12 18:14:03

If he thinks spending time with you and your dd is boring then I think you need to sit him down and tell him this isn't working.

Tell him things will change or you will split.

Seriously if it wasn't for dd I would say run for the hills but tbh perhaps he is toxic for her as he must and will in the future putting her needs behind his own.

He sounds a total mummy's boy twat.

Show him this thread.

MooncupGoddess Wed 14-Nov-12 18:16:04

Did you go on honeymoon? What about when he proposed?

<clutches at straws>

What is your relationship based on? What do you talk about - now or when you first got together?

mumbags Wed 14-Nov-12 18:18:24

You are definitely NOT being unreasonable!!
It sounds like he wants to spend quite a bit too much time with his parents but I think it's actually a lot more worrying that he considers spending time just with you and your child boring. And it's frankly very selfish. Families need their own private time!
His child would be devastated to learn in the future that he felt that way, and I imagine it's hurtful for you to hear too. It sounds like he's being a complete arse!

mumbags Wed 14-Nov-12 18:19:26

body - well said!!

IAMU Wed 14-Nov-12 18:20:41

Bloody hell, I like my DPs Mother but even we only see her for a weekend once every 4/5 weeks. Same with my family, We only see them for roughly around 4 days every 6/8 weeks. Unless it is a birthday etc. That is because my family live miles away, so visits take place in the school holidays and his Mother lives about 6 miles away.

Both your husbands attitude and your MILs seems very weird. I couldn't live like that. And after him saying spending time with you and his DD is "boring", I would definitely be sending him packing with his stuff to his Mothers.

I have heard of the saying "Manchild" many of times, but I have never come across one myself until now. Tell your husband to grow the fuck up!


blisterpack Wed 14-Nov-12 18:21:29

Did you actually, really, truly, quite literally mean that you have never been out together on your own? confused

JamieandtheMagicTorch Wed 14-Nov-12 18:24:00

This is terrible. I feel very sad for you.

wewereherefirst Wed 14-Nov-12 18:27:51

Seriously? YANBU. He sounds totally creepy, id cut my losses and run

Ohhelpohnoitsa Wed 14-Nov-12 18:28:42

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thisisaeuphemism Wed 14-Nov-12 18:30:55

Hmm, small bump, the mother in law is a red herring isn't she? Anyone who refuses to spend Their time alone with their wife and child has some serious issues.
I said that as nicely as I could. sad

mrskeithrichards Wed 14-Nov-12 18:32:05

I can't believe you have never been out alone. First dates? Anniversaries? Birthdays?

CinnabarRed Wed 14-Nov-12 18:36:18

My DF invited his parents on his honeymoon. Didn't ask, or even tell, my DM. First she knew about it was when she heard her MIL yelling 'Cooooeeyyy' across the sand dunes....

Cantbelieveitsnotbutter Wed 14-Nov-12 18:36:33

He finds it boring?!
Like others have said id arrange all sorts of activities for you and your little one, if he wants to go to his mums - fine, you two have fun. If he doesn't pull his socks up & realise he's missing out then you know where you stand.

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