AIBU or is DP, work and childcare related

[Whatnowffs]

We are skint, DP is self employed and work is erratic. So when an evening/morning (up to me) cleaning job fell in my lap i was really chuffed.

I have been donig it in the evenings, but have often had to take DD with me or leave her with my DM (who cant really cope too long so i get stressed) as DP often not in from work til late - ok, can't be helped. On a Wednesday night DP goes out, only for an hour, but it has to be at 8pm, this has meant i have had to ensure i finish the job by 7.45, this is difficult as for some reason the guys at work are never out of there on time on a wed, so i end up having to try and clean round them (can't possibly start before 6.30 anyway, but they usually there until 7, or later) and try and get finished in time, the job usually takes 1.5 hours but its not too dirty and i clean like a thing posessed i can manage to knock 15 mins off. I find this really stressful, also have just got a second part-time job during the day (only three days a week and one evening) so wanted to start cleaning in the mornings. This solves everyones problems doesn't it?

Err, apparently not, because it will make DP late out in the morning (he never leaves before 8 ever) and tomorrow he has to be somewhere so has to leave at 7.45 am. I didn't know this and made a comment to DP, as i am shattered after starting work at 5.45 am today that i might leave it a bit later as so long as im out of there by 8 the floors will have time to dry etc. He got really stroppy and said, "i can't keep making allowances for you, i have stuff to do you know" or something like that.

Was i unreasonable to see red??? For one thing, ive done this job for just over a month now and have not spent so much as 50p for a chocolate bar on myself, not a penny - all gone on DDs activities, a halloween party for DD, and the rest for food etc. Its not that much money, my point is, im not doing the job for "pocket money" Im not doing it as a fucking hobby either, despite quite liking it, im knackered and was trying to make things a bit easier for myself, also its awkward in the evening as i dont want to pressure DP into getting home too early. But COME THE FUCK ON - i only changed the time because A, wednesday is a nightmare due to DPs "thing" and also it means that i dont have to frig around with meal times etc (i have missed meals because ive often only had tiem to prepare DDs and DPs meals before i leave, im never hungry after doing the headless chicken thing so i dont bother).

So how the fuck am i sat here feeling guilty for expecting DP to take some responsibility for childcare I know i don't earn much but fuck me!

[CailinDana]

He sees himself as the person and you as the helper. You are there to facilitate his life, and you trying to change things is interfering with the real person - how dare you?

Why are you making dinner for him when you're not eating yourself?

In your shoes I would tell him that you're no longer going to accommodate his "thing" on Wednesday because you can't keep making allowances for him and you have stuff to do. See how he likes it.

[GhoulWithADragonTattoo]

He's out of line. You both need to decide together whether you working mornings or evenings is better for you overall and then he has to agree to be there to care for his child so you can work and no excuses. If he can't be there one time he needs to find someone else to take care of DC. Your work is important and should not be treated as if it's a hobby. What is his Wed evening commitment?

[WilsonFrickett]

Work - real, paid, work - trumps 'things' in our house I'm afraid. I'm assuming his thing is some sort of hobby / leisure activity? (No need to say if you don't want to be too specific) but if he's out and not earning and you are out earning, your needs take priority, at least until the family is on a more even keel. IMO, anyway.

It sounds like he thinks you're out earning pin money (shudder) instead of trying to take steps to get yourself back into employment. Words need to be had.

(Can I just say, I hope this doesn't sound patronising at all btw, but I think you sound like a v hard working, resourceful person and I'm not surprised jobs keep 'falling into your lap'.)

[Whatnowffs]

CailinDana, that is EXACTLY how i feel! I think it is probably unfair, but i certainly feel that way. The irony is, he has always pushed me into going back to work - but the fuckwit thinks im going to walk into a 30K job after a seven year career break! Apparently then, and this was his words the other night when i mentioned that i didn't feel supported with childcare - that when im earning 30k he can do "my job" for me and do afterschool and holiday care! This was because i was juggling whether to take a job that meant after school care, it didnt pay enouh for me to afford childcare, i was moaning that i felt the buck stopped firmly at my feet. The irony is, he is right, we coudlnt afford for him to lose time at work to do the childcare anymore than i can afford to pay for childcare :( So i can't even be technically right.

I don't want him to give up his "thing" as he works hard, is stressed most of the time and i actually pushed him into it, it is only an hour, but it was making my life difficult, so i solved the problem by doing the cleaning in the morning.

All he had to say to me was, oh dear, i have to leave at 7.45 tomorrow and i would have said, fine, i will make sure i am home in time. I am right royally pissed off

[Whatnowffs]

Wilson - i wish they did!!! lol i have been out of work for years - and therin lies the problem, he has just got used to not having to give who picks DD up a second thought, because i always do it.

He isn't generally a twunt, but he is being a twunt over this!

[CailinDana]

You need to make him see how his attitude affects you. Do you think he will listen?

[Whatnowffs]

I sent him a text (mature i know but i wanted to say what i wanted to say rationally) and he did say that he didn't mean it to sound that way (how i made it sound in OP i guess, it was a nice apology which could have lead to us talking calmly tonight etc) but then the text i sent, went in two bits and when he got the second text he texted back "i SAID i was sorry" hence the red mist descending again! Manchild!!! REally, cannot believe that my DP has shown himself, after 20 years togeher to actually be a sexist fucking cunt - can you tell im angry

[WilsonFrickett]

As you say, he's got used to not having to give childcare a second thought and I suppose he's maybe not thought it through, that he'll have to put some effort in to facilitate you working. If he hasn't been a twunt for 20 years I suppose you have to give him the benefit of the doubt???

[Whatnowffs]

The thing is, I have an older DD who when i worked before my parents always looked after her so actually not having anyone to help with childcare has come as a culture shock to both of us. I just think that he thinks it will be totally down to me to organise childcare for DD, im just not sure why that is as actually, he is self employed and as such enjoys some flexibility in his working pattern. Meaning that if push comes to shove, he can be the one who picks up a poorly DD if i am working because i wont be self employed and i daresay my employer will be pissed off if i keep taking time off!

[ssd]

he sounds like he's been spoiled, first having your parents to do all the childcare and then having you do it all

I dare say it but he sounds like one of those dads who go to work, come home then say to the woman " but what did you do all day"

he hasn't a clue has he

you need a chat about this, he needs told

[Whatnowffs]

He's a very hands on dad - i have to admit to being really about this. He still maintains i am being unreasonable

[GoldPlatedNineDoors]

How will ft childcare cost you more than your wage? Its a joint expense so costs should be shared!

[Whatnowffs]

The money is the money though isn't it - but that is an interesting way of looking at it. I just look at it that if i work, we, as a family will be better off by X, if childcare is taken into account then X is going to be much smaller, therefore i need to earn enough money to make it worth while. I have been fortunate enough to land a term-time job so that will make things easier.

[GoldPlatedNineDoors]

Sometimes the money in your pocket isnt the only benefit to working - being on the career ladder, social aspect, mental stimulation, potential for better earnings in a couple of years time - all come woth a wage, even if you are breaking even.

[Whatnowffs]

He bought me a twix - its all good (he must want laid!) He hid the twix in the lap-top, which was mid-update so nearly killed it!!!! But still, he said sorry and that he really didn't mean it that way, i think he was stressed well i know he was. I am starting teaching next week, a few hours so he had best get his act together by monday as i need him to pick DD up!!!!