To not want anything more to do with my sister?

[ChicMama25]

Maybe this belongs in Relationships but thought this would be more fun. Ok here goes.

My sister is 23. She is the most egotistical narcissistic person I have ever known. She is selfish and completely oblivious to other people's feelings or needs or anything.

Examples: turning up 7 hours late to my housewarming party (9pm for a 2pm BBQ) when she said she would be there at 6pm but then decided to go on an impromptu date with some guy she met at work. Relatives were awkwardly standing around after everyone else had left because they were hoping to see her. I was knackered after hosting the party and she made my mum go and collect her from the tube (10 min walk). She once made me wait 30 mins for her outside the tube station we had agreed to meet at because she hadn't been bothered to text to say she hadn't even got on the train yet. She is a layabout actress and my mum gives her money when she needs it even though my mum is quite poor herself. My dad has a flat in central London which he might have to sell because he is in trouble financially. She could live there and pay minimal rent thereby helping my dad and also herself to save money. But she won't do it because "she needs her own space and all our dads stuff will be there". She invited her friend on holiday to our family holiday house in Italy and just assumed that was fine. She was meant to be going with our aunt and uncle but couldn't be bothered to keep them in the loop when she fucked off to holland for an audition instead. She also invited same friend to my mum's house for christmas which i don't think is appropriate. She had a rant because my mum is moving in with her partner and he ( very lovely guy) jokingly said she wasn't allowed to store more than 3 boxes of stuff in their new house ( his house). She was outraged that she would be expected to keep all her things in her flat in London (my mum is a pushover and wouldn't argue) and was bitching about this to me sighing etc. "most people keep their things at their parents house not their London flats, I'm just renting, poor me etc".

I don't think she is malicious just does not live
in the real world and is totally self obsessed.
I am fed up of listening to her I tried to persuade her about dads flat and I have given up trying to point out other things or express my disappointment eg when she is late (every single time we eat Sunday lunch at mums she is at least 1 hr late cos she oversleeps and she just doesn't think that me and my dd who is 7 are planning to get a specific train back to London so it doesn't get too late). Everything you tell her she responds with an affected "omg! That's sooooo ...." Etc. if I criticise her she cries.

I can't be arsed with her anymore and am employing avoidance tactics. We are not going to my mums for Xmas we are staying home the 3 of us - partly cos of her. I have given up on trying to help her not be such a whiny entitled little bitch. She is an embarrassment to me. AIBU?

[ENormaSnob]

Yanbu

I have no tolerance for whiny dramatic bastards either.

[LittleBairn]

It's not up to her to sort out for father financial problems, I wouldn't want to live in a property belonging to my parents either.
You seem to be involving yourself to much in her life and relationship with y.our parents her being upset at not being able to store things at your mothers house is nothing to do with you.

It actually sounds like you have a lot of issues with your sister calling her an embarrassment is very OTT for the things that you mention, it comes across as you wanting to find reasons to be angry at her rather than bad behaviour.

If you want to cut her out fine but nothing that you have mentioned seems serious to me, but life is to short to share it with people you don't like so do as you please.

[ChicMama25]

I do not want reasons to be angry with her - we used to get along really well! I miss that tbh. I do see where she is coming from on the flat don't get me wrong but then to leech money from my mum cos she can't afford to live where she does? Also I think it is an embarrassment to show up your family eg her behaviour to my aunt and uncle.

[vj32]

I think you should just avoid her and be polite at family occasions. Don't get involved with her, then she can't be overly dramatic. If she is only 23 she might grow up a bit one day. I don't speak to my brother, but then he stole from me and threatened me with a knife, which I think is more serious than just being selfish and annoying.

[ChicMama25]

What do I do if her behaviour directly impacts me though? Like being late for stuff? I'm just so mad that she has no consideration that other people with kids and jobs might need to actually rely on people to be reliable so they can plan their lives!

[ChicMama25]

Agreed though vj32 that is much more serious!

[GalaxyDefender]

LittleBairn Were you reading the same post as I was? The sister's behaviour is appalling! Constantly keeping family hanging on because she can't be bothered to get up on time, swanning off and again, leaving family in the lurch without so much as a word, treating her mother like a bank ... These might seem trivial, but if they happen constantly then yes, it is a serious issue.

Chic, your sister is acting like an entitled 13-year-old, not a grown woman. As someone her age, I can definitely say she needs to get her head out of her own arse and stop treating her family like crap. I don't blame you at all for not wanting anything to do with her, if either of my sisters started doing that sort of thing I'd drop them too!

[ConfusedPixie]

Re living at your dads flat, she shouldn't have to do that, not up to her to sort your dads problems. About the rest, meh, she's a whiny brat who is being enabled by your mother, just stop spending time with her. My sister is the same, I free her a few times a year and barely talk to her now, not worth it.

[ChicMama25]

Thank you Galaxy yes they do happen constantly and part of me wants to tell her the truth about what I think of her because it is not fair on the family and also even though she is annoying she is still my sister and if I didn't care I would just drop her!

[LittleBairn]

I would never cut my sister out because she embarresed me once in front of family that's just silly and nit picking.
Her relationship with your parents should not involve you, if anything you should be angry at your parents for not standing up to her and raising her to be dependent on them is their fault!

Don't be nieve about how difficult cutting out family can be, I have done this with a family member I was very very close too. It will make ALL family gathering difficult, most people will blame you so you and your DD will be the ones left out of gatherings.
When she has children you won't be part of their lives, your DD may also question and resent you for cutting her aunt and cousins out of her life.
You will find relations with your parents will become strained, they will find your behaviour hurtful possibily even a betrayal.

All to often on mumsnet people are quick to shout out about cutting out family members but the reality of doing it even when justified can be hard, harder than just sucking it up and ignoring the behaviour.

[diddl]

Is she famous?


Well, it´s the old-she does it because she can, isn´t it?

People give her money, a place to live, hang about for hours in the hope of catching a glimpse seeing her...

You don´t have to cut her out-just not make plans with her/that depend on her.

If you want to see your Mum at Christmas-go.

If your mum ruins it though by holding everything up waiting for your sister-that´s her fault & if that spoils it-don´t go!

[LittleBairn]

glalaxy Yes I did read the same post shock horror I have a different opinion.

[ArielThePiraticalMermaid]

She's spoilt and immature, but are you sure you want nothing at all to do with her?

[ChicMama25]

Ok, you are right about the reality of actually cutting someone out and publicly declaring to family you won't see the person! I guess my dilemma is whether to grit my teeth whenever I am unable to avoid her - or say something to her?

[pictish]

Hmm...I'm a bit yeahbutnobutyeahbutno about this one.

On the one hand yeah - she's a spoiled, self serving twit and she needs to grow up.

On the other hand no - you cannot decide for her what she should and should not do. YOU go and live with your dad if you're that bothered!

[ArielThePiraticalMermaid]

Oh yes definitely say something to do her!

I just know that when my sister was going through a similarly annoying phase, I would have missed her like mad if I had suddenly just cut her out with no warning, despite the fact that she was a psycho hose beast. We had always been very close and we are again now.

Just give her a short, sharp shock initially. How she reacts to that is then up to her, and you can go from there. But don't just stop having anything to do with her without confronting the issue.

[ChicMama25]

To be clear on the dad flat thing.. I've said I do get why she doesn't want to do it and of course it's her decision but its just her attitude stinks. My dad lives in Germany so it's empty. Anyway perhaps that was a bad example, but she shouldn't be taking money from my mum so she can live somewhere more expensive.

[diddl]

Is it at all possible that she doesn´t know how annoying she is because no one has told her?

[pictish]

Your mother shouldn't give her money to live somewhere more expensive. Your mum is 50% to blame for that you know.

[LittleBairn]

chic I would advise just trying to make no plans that include her, if she insists on visiting make it clear she comes to you if she isn't there at the proper time you will go out. You don't have to cut her out but at the same time you don't have to enable her behaviour.

[thecatsminion]

Why don't you just not wait for her when you're meeting up? Give her 5mins then go, and if she's late just say "sorry I thought you weren't coming." Don't wait for her at your Mum's, just get the train you were planning to get. Maybe doing things like that will get the message across without actually going as far as cutting her out.

Much of the stuff you're annoyed about, like the flat, IS annoying - but it doesn't affect you directly so it's a bit more difficult to sort.

[BadgersBottom]

I think you should say something to her. Sounds to me like everyone's pussy footing round her for whatever reason. She continues to behave badly because nobody says anything, nobody says anything for fear of upsetting her - can you see how this could carry on more or less forever? Say something and risk the fallout - you'll be doing her a favour in the long run.

[pictish]

Exactly littlebairn.

You can't make her change OP, but you can decide what YOU will or will not tolerate from her.

If she is late - don't hang about....for example.

[saadia]

YANBU and I think as a family you should stop accommodating her, for example if she is late for a meal then start without her, or if she is very late for a party tell her not to bother coming. She is doing all this because she has always been allowed to get away with it.

[ChicMama25]

I think this is the thing. No one criticises her for fear of her inevitable dramatics and my mum indulges her because she is a poor actress. So maybe I do need to be the bad guy here and say something.