MIL and the chocolate advent calendar(544 Posts)
My MIL has given us chocolate advent calendars for our dc. Dc have seen them. And will want them because of the chocolate.
But I'd already bought advent calendars to give to them ON 1ST DECEMBER!!! Beautiful (non chocolate) ones.
I hate chocolate advent calendars - dc aged 5 can have a small chocolate every day but dc aged 1? No way. But I'd rather the excitement was about seeing which picture they had, not just cramming chocolate into their mouths.
More than anything I'm annoyed that my MIL has (yet again) done things her way without checking with me (the parent) first.
Her other DIL gave the chocolate advent calendars back to MIL and said that no, her children were not having chocolate ones. This has really hurt MIL so I can't do the same - I know she means well. But I feel like our new family traditions are not bring allowed to develop because MIL intervenes.
I know I'm overreacting. But aibu to feel a BIT annoyed about this?!
OK OP: Christmas. This is what I do. Clean the house, arrange the decs, do the cards, put up the cards, buy the presents, wrap the presents, send the presents, order the turkey, buy the food, do the cooking, keep everyone happy, make lots of suggestions. I have been waiting for 20 years for one of the grandparents to say you look after us every year, is there anything we can do to help? Not least because DS's actual birthday is also on Xmas day so try and imagine the double whammy of organisation.
Love is an equation that requires both sides to be equal; to receive it you need to give it to keep the circle going.
Which I knew a bit anyway.
I just would like to establish traditions for MY dc just as my mil established traditions for HER dc.
Is that control freaky?!
My mum has always given her grandchildren a Christmas box which is full of little knickknacks and sweets like a stocking. She still does it and gc are,21,23,17,15.
She also buys them advent calendars, so they have 2.
Agree with cailindana, you do sound very controlling.
OMG I can just imagin christmas day in your house your poor MIL, she must be sitting there hoping she doesnt moortally offend anyone.
Can I have your MIL please? Our kids haven't got any live grandparents and I'd adore an apple-pie grandmother to come and do a bit of fussing
Yes. If your tradition involves rejecting presents from loved ones, then it's a shit tradition and you need to think again.
It's hard isn't it? I don't get chocolate calendars from my MIL but will often get a non-religious (can't think of the word) one from her. But then I get a mini one from my DM and another from DH's godfather... those at least will be religious themed.
So we just have lots of calendars and the 'something between my children and I' aspect is lost... but really it's not the end of the world.
I can't really help with the chocolate - the one year old wouldn't suffer from having the occasional choc... and you eat the remaining.
Now you're being mean, how do you know it was the first one she saw? As others have said, it's a chocolate advent calendar, that's all, not worth getting het up over. Opening them at different times of he day is a good idea.
Btw, I think your SIL was vile to give her calendars back, what a nasty thing to do. Well done for not following her example. Your poor mil.....
Sorry cross posted.
You can have your own traditions, but your Mil can have separate ones with her gc.
Share the joy of your DC OP...share the joy! My Mum does things like this....but really. They just want some of the joy...it's not bad.
toomanydaisies re your last statement - no I feel the same. I just have to tell myself it's done in kindness and suck it up.
march no, no, please come and have Christmas with me!
You have a wicked sense of humour Daisies and I am almost tempted but, alas, flights already booked and we are likely to arrive well ahead of schedule what with the tail wind provided by DDiL's sigh of relief!
Advent Calendars, Christmas eve pyjamas, stockings, organising their birthday parties and birthday cakes are for the parents to do. Anything else is fair game for family IMO. But those five things are MINE to choose.
So I don't think the OP IBU. My DC's get ONE advent calendar, and it's the one I choose.
I had issues with my Ex-MIL getting my DS2 an advent calendar (for his second Christmas when he was just 13mo), then moaning when she came round and hers wasn't on the wall for him.
I had already bought him one, and no way was he going to get two when my older DD and DS1 only had one. She's never bothered since. Why a 13mo would need TWO chocolate advent calendars is beyond me, and why she expected me to use her one instead of the one I had already chosen and bought was also beyond me.
So there we go. Different people think different things about issues like this.
And if anyone tried to do a birthday cake for my DC's, I'd be VERY unimpressed - it's my favourite bit of their birthdays, seeing their faces when they get a character cake that I have worked hard to decorate.
What an OTT reaction, what harm is a tiny chocolate each day for 24 days going to do? Most one year olds would prefer that to an activity one probably!
Let them have both, it really isn't an issue and you seem to be very controlling
OP please keep calm and carry on. If you don't want your 1 yr old to have chocs, fine, invent a little game that means the choc is "saved for later". Your MIL has done what a million other loving grannies are doing. How do you know she picked the first one she saw? Maybe that was the perfect one.
Why not have 2 stockings? One for early Christmas morning and maybe one for after lunch with relatives pressies.
I'm not a big Christmas person myself, because I agree there is now so much commercialised crap, but you can still make Christmas special, your way. If the GP's are staying over Christmas you are going to have to be a bit flexible. You may need to draw a line somewhere, but a choccy advent calendar isn't it. YABU.
You can't establish traditions purposefully OP - they develop over years without ever being imposed until they become traditional and sometimes without you realising.
Sorry, also cross posted.
You can still have your own traditions but tbh you'll find you just fall into many of them, rather than rigorously setting them out xD
bruffin that sounds lovely
I am a bit controlling. Because my dc are little. I just don't think that's too unusual.
Both sides of the family are hugely involved with our dc. I know how lucky they are to have a big family. I just want done things to be a special part if our small immediate family. I didn't have extended family growing up (both my parents are only children, grand parents died when I was little) so it was just me, my parents and brothers.
I think it's all well an good wanting traditions of your own, but not to the exclusion of all others. Why can't they run alongside one another?
And why are existing traditions not ok? I get the impression you are making new traditions, just because they'll be 'yours' which makes no sense to me.
YANBU - I find choc advent calendars naff, and that's why I'd be pissed off to have to integrate one to avoid hurting someone's feelings. it's nice to have something kids are excited about that doesn't involve chocolate.
"I just would like to establish traditions for MY dc just as my mil established traditions for HER dc."
You are establishing traditions, she's just adding to them! Why does it have to be one or the other? Or your way or the highway?
Unclench. Seriously. It's Christmas. You're suppose to spoil people at Christmas!
Christmas is one of those things where there is a very idealised reality involving traditional red and white stockings with candy canes and wooden soldiers poking out of the top, and the sound of jingly bells in the distance, and beautifully dressed children singing Christmas carols over a pile of perfectly wrapped presents.
But the reality is a massive mish-mash of commercial crap, all sorts of overlapping or conflicting family traditions and a few old tree decorations that belonged to great-granny but are actually spectacularly ugly so get hidden round the back of the tree.
And kids love it.
If you try to control Christmas and make it into a perfect set of traditions you will finish up frustrated and stressed. We've got some family members who try to do the "perfect Christmas" every year and it never works and irritates everyone else.
Your only mistake love, was posting this in AIBU.
I've been one if the few that agreed with you but came back as the thread is developing more and i can see you have a lot if my thinking.
I dont think its controlling. I didnt add that our parents are all seperated and as such we've often had three calenders on the go. And it does annoy me because it takes the shine off.
Like you say, i'm happy to share in christmas with the grandparents etc but i'd like them to understand that part of the pleasures of being a mum, what makes the drudgery worth it, is making the magic moments etc. My mum/mil can take dd to the panto, a xmas party at their local club, buy an advent calender that will take a backseat, come and see the nativity. But some bits are mine like its me that will take her to see santa, i'll do the stocking (yes i've been given another before-filled). I'll only have what 7-8 years where my kids truly believe in santa and the real magic of xmas. And i waited a long time for these moments and so some if them no I wont share them.
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