to think a lift home when you are coming that way shouldnt cause angst.

[slartybartfast]

i have no car, dh is out at work, dd does an after school event with her bestest friend , if i dont know it is going to happen i can't organise a lift via my dm. this happens regularly, she stays after school without a lift organised.
but her bestfriend does too and gets a lift home and twice gthey have brought dd home but apparentyly they dont like to without it being reciprocated.
i mean - they have been bestfirneds since about 2007, why are the parents so mean.? they are coming this way anyway.

[mrskeithrichards]

Maybe they aren't though? Maybe they planned to take their dd out after or something?

Just because someone drives doesn't mean they should be at everyone else's disposal. It does sound mean of them not to but they aren't obliged.

[AndiMac]

Although it would be a lot nicer if the friend's parents gave a lift to your DD, why don't you know when the after school event is going to happen?

[mrskeithrichards]

Can't she get a bus? Or walk? Or you walk to get her?

[seeker]

I have no idea. I wouldn't think twice about giving a lift every week under the circumstances. How do you know they mind?

[slartybartfast]

if they were plannign to take their dd out afterwards, in a different direction, then fair enough.
i am just surprised at the meaness - although actually i am not surprised, they dont think twice about scrounging off us - complaining if i dont give their dd a lift. etc.,

[slartybartfast]

oh, their dd said they minded. and of course dd could walk, take a bus, that is what i would expect, even though it is dark and rural. i wouldnt expect the lift but their attitude is disapopinting.

and why dont i know? um, she is 15 and her head seems to be somewhere else.

[DameEnidsOrange]

If I can give someone a lift without major inconvenience I will, however there are times when I may have someone else in the car / be taking another child / be in a rush / have to go to the shops etc that would make it very difficult to be able to give someone a lift.

ATM DH and I are sharing a car, so if I can't get my DCs somewhere it is my problem, not someone elses

[BeatTheClock]

Have you actually spoken to them about it though and discussed the lifts if it'sa regular thing?

It sounds like the friend has organised a lift though or her parents have.

I wouldn't mind giving lifts either in that case if I was asked properly about it. But it would irk me that its seen as no more than I should be doing by someone's parents.

[mrskeithrichards]

But you are expecting.

Just make your plans and any offer of help is a bonus!

[HeathRobinson]

'she stays after school without a lift organised'

This is where your problem is. I would tell her, no lift organised, no after school event. She needs to wake up a little.

Having said that, in the other parents' situation, I would give a lift home - you say it's dark and rural.

[slartybartfast]

if her friend wasnt doing afterschool club and i hadnt organised a lift, because i didnt know, i would expect her to walk to the bus, an inconvenience but no other choice.

it is just the giving of the lift grudgingly that gets me.

[slartybartfast]

i will tell her, we MUST know about after school events in advance.

[Littlemissimpatientlovesxmas]

Could your dm drop friend off home a few times? I think it might be worth speaking to your dd and maybe speak to friends parents. Maybe by greeting them at the car and thanking them would help too.

[Merrylegs]

Hmm. I can see both sides (helpful!)

DS also does an after school activity which is a bit random so I'm never sure when it is happening or not.

Fortunately it happens on a day I am able to pick him up (he usually gets the school bus but obviously misses it on the day he stays later).

I invariably end up taking his best friend home too, which is actually out of my way, but if I didn't the friend would either walk (about 6 miles) or have to wait a couple of hours until he could get a lift home from parents who are at work.

I really really don't mind (and this kid actually is happy to walk the 6 miles!)

BUT I do have to make a special trip to pick up DS and on the odd occasion when friend's parents are able to reciprocate I am v grateful because it means I don't have to go out just to pick up (plus they do actually pass my house whereas I have to go past my house and then back to drop off friend.)

So, basically your friends are being a bit churlish, but I can see that sometimes they would appreciate the favour returned.

[MrsBucketxx]

i hate this attitude i have friends that dont drive and its always oh you drive you can do... or you can drive to us ... its only recently i have started to say no im not.

i would arange to colkect your own child and not expect other to do this for you.

[slartybartfast]

good idea merrylegs. i will suggest it.

[seeker]

But why? If you're going that way anyway, why add to pollution and global warming and the total of stress in the world by not bundling as many people into your car as possible? I just don't understand this!

[OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos]

They are not being any more mean than you are being grabby.

I find that time in the car with children is quite valuable. They can't get away or be distracted by the dog if they can't be bothered to tell me about their schoolwork or whatever, and I get some of my best conversations out of my dc in the car. Wanting to maintain that is not mean. You expecting lifts just 'because' is rude.

[Spatsky]

It's not something I would mind doing but stuff like this does bother some people more than others.

Do the other parents realise you are not reciprocating because you are without a car rather than just can't be bothered. I can see why they would think it was more reasonable to take turns as a general rule.

[dreamingofsun]

have you offered some petrol money?

[seeker]

[CelstialNavigation]

They may have a problem with their daughter repeatedly assuming they will be free to drive your daughter to your house, without any prior notice.

They may not realise that your daughter does not actually tell you when she is going to stay late at school until it is late for you to ask them in advance.

It may simply be the lack of any notice, or lack of an actual request, that is annoying them rather than the lift being the problem.

I do think that at fifteen years old your daughter should start to take responsibility for telling you she is going to stay late. That would make the whole situation easier on everyone from the sounds of it.

[BeatTheClock]

It's dark and rural. Of course they're going to feel they should do the lift as opposed to letting her to go off and find a bus home.

But who would be comfortable about that? Not me. I'd do the lift every time, but it does look as if you are expecting them to pick up the pieces and take responsibility for your dds safety home.

It's not about the lift. For me it's more about your assumption that they should be doing it. If you just said you appreciate it or something, maybe they'd be less frosty about it.

[MrsBucketxx]

seeker do you drive?

[slartybartfast]

good point, beatthe clock, and others
i will thank them, roll my eyes about my dd's organisational ability. and offer to reciprocate, ungrudgingly