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To think that my dh should have married a bloody lap dancer if he loves them that much......

(188 Posts)
plim Mon 12-Nov-12 23:33:33

So, dh took his best mate on a 'belated stag do' this weekend - they didn't go last year when he actually got married as his fiancé was preggers.

we have just bought house, are skint, have just taken out a loan, I'm on maternity leave with our 3rd child so money is tight. Dh booked a 4star hotel for the two of em, made a weekend of it, I eeeked it out of him that they went to a lap dancing club and had 'lots of dances' in a VIP room.....

Not so much disgruntled about the fact that they went to a lap dancing club although I think they are degrading and vile but hey if thats what floats their boat, but more annoyed that we are brassic until I go back to work in new year and they have just blown a small fortune on boobs n ass being waggled in their faces.........asked dh how could we afford 4 dances each etc and he stated that 'he did not have to explain himself to me'. To top it off he was so pissed on Sunday that I told him to go straight to his weekly abode ( he works down south 3 days a week) and he will now not be home till Friday.

Just all feels a bit selfish when we have 3 lil ones and things are tight but at the same time I do think everyone has the right to let their hair down etc....

plim Tue 13-Nov-12 09:58:18

Well if this had all happened say 18 months ago we were financially fine, I was on a lucrative consultancy contract and whilst I just wouldn't blow £500 on a self indulgent night out whenwe have young kids to think about, it just wouldn't have been such a problem. The issue now is that we have just paid a hefty house deposit and the other costs with moving house, are renovating a property that needs everything from flooring to damp courses etc and are t the end if the money that I saved fir my maternity leave. We have just borrowed more money to pay off our huge od and pay for unexpected house stuff like a rotten floor etc so we are honestly financially tight. So that's why it has pissed me off so much. Last week I suggested we try and save enough to put down a deposit on a family holiday next year - camping in France or something equally thrifty but dh said we couldn't afford it at the moment. So when he says he saved to go out and large it up with his bf - and have the immaturity to pay for him ( they have more money than us) that's what I am struggling wit.

plim Tue 13-Nov-12 09:59:51

Sorry about typos, stupid ipad

Sallyingforth Tue 13-Nov-12 10:00:15

Is this behaviour new? I think you are wrong to be having children with such a man.

BupcakesAndCunting Tue 13-Nov-12 10:00:40

There was just him and his best mate? hmm

He sounds a prick on so many levels. He has used your money, that is tight, to help oil the cogs of an industry that objectifies and exploits women. Nice. Are your DCs girls btw?

I would tell him not to bother coming home. He sounds like a manchild with a lot of growing up to do and he needs to learn some respect whilst he's about it.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 13-Nov-12 10:05:22

YANBU.. Doesn't actually matter if he spent £400 on a dancer or a set of golf clubs. What stinks is that your family is in debt & can't afford it yet he thinks it's nothing to do with you. He regards you as irrelevant....

plim Tue 13-Nov-12 10:11:39

It was his money not mine, out of his salary, not that it changes things but don't want to wrongly incriminate him for spending my cash, not sure how he managed to sidle it to one side though when we are really having to budget for stuff. I wish I had more money saved so I had a bit more independence, need to find a job I can do from home so I can save some cash up. Will then be in a stronger position if that makes sense. Home working ideas welcomed!!

AlienRefluxovermypoppy Tue 13-Nov-12 10:15:22

YA sooooooo NBU.

Why did he pay for the other bloke???!!

I would be livid about the whole sleazy thing. he spent your kids Christmas money (all of yours, not just his because it was out of his salary) getting a hard on over strange women.

Did you discuss this trip before he booked it?

You are very easy going OP, maybe too much so?

I think he's a selfish leering twat, sorry sad

BupcakesAndCunting Tue 13-Nov-12 10:16:57

You're saying that money is tight and you are scrimping for the children's christmas presents? Well, what does HIS salary go on? Is it that his salary goes on frivolities whilst yours pays the bills etc? And I would be VERY pissed off if he had been siphoning money off to pay to get some poor woman's tits jiggled in his sad little face, whilst you are taking out loans to pay for essentials. That is so immature and selfish.

Sorry but you are on maternity leave and he is your DH. His money is yours too, yours as in you the couple. This isn't your fault for being on mat' leave/being a SAHM. Presumably you both made the decision to have you at home with the DCs? He needs to suck it up and grow the fuck up. Don't give him ready-made excuses. He has been a dick.

somewherebecomingrain Tue 13-Nov-12 10:17:49

OP I think you know him best - is this all there is to him? Probably there's another side to him otherwise you wouldn't still be with him.

Essentially what he is displaying is HUGE immaturity - a toddler-like narcissism, an inability to consider the bigger picture, and a self-indulgent showering of himself with sex sweeties. It's all very human but it isn't excusable in the circumstances.

Is this a fixed, unchangeable, hard-wired personality trait? If so it's quite sinister and you've got a problem.

Or can he, like most people, grow and learn? In which case my instinct would be to be crafty, patient, and wait for your moment to help him face up to why what he did was wrong. There's usually a moment where it's really hard for them to throw up dust and they have to look it in the face.

He has been very immature and badly behaved - it happens - the test is can he move beyond that.

If you can do it your relationship will be stronger than ever.

good luck

FatimaLovesBread Tue 13-Nov-12 10:20:45

It was his money not mine, out of his salary
Do you get your own money? What does that get spent on?

I never understand split finances when you're a family unit. He may have earned it but if the £500 is diverted away from being used for the family and you and then children are left to struggle that's not on.

plim Tue 13-Nov-12 10:22:11

We did discuss it, he doesn't do this often tbh, go out that is so it was deemed acceptable that he goes with his best mate on a night out but I didn't think they would be quite so reckless. I was pissed off when he told me he got a good deal on a hotel then I saw it was a 4* one confused

plim Tue 13-Nov-12 10:24:35

All his salary goes on the bills, mortgage, cars etc my savings cover food, household and day to day stuff.

AnyFucker Tue 13-Nov-12 10:31:58

Your thread title is wrong

It should read "how the hell did I find myself married to a disrespectful twat like this?"

If your answer is to go and watch Daniel Craig at the cinema as "revenge" you have bigger problems than a husband that uses "his" money to croon to his hard on, whilst you soldier on scrimping and saving.

You don't want to "blow your lid" ? Why not ? That sounds like a perfectly reasonable response to being treated like shit, to me.

mrskeithrichards Tue 13-Nov-12 10:33:48

Your using savings to feed the family but he's got enough disposable income for jollies like this?

How much is he left with after paying what he pays?

BobblyGussets Tue 13-Nov-12 10:38:27

He "doesn't do this often"? It would be the first and last time any "partner" of mine did that.
How is he with you generally? Is he a hands on father? Does he get back from working away and give you a rest from the childcare of a weekend? I hope so OP. He really needs to have some amazing reedeming qualities apart from being a good father. he needs to be a good partner and this behaviour is not indicative of this.

AnyFucker Tue 13-Nov-12 10:39:57

This was not a "belated stag do"

That is a complete contradiction in terms

this was an excuse to spend money he shouldn't be spending on getting his rocks off using other women's bodies

and you are afraid to "blow your lid" for some reason ?

choceyes Tue 13-Nov-12 10:46:17

Completely agree with AF. This would be a deal breaker for me actually. I would be beyond livid at the whole situation. All this is just unbelievable to me, that there exists women who would put up with this shit. Taking revenge by watching Daniel Craig. Yep totally on the same level hmm

DaveMccave Tue 13-Nov-12 10:47:23

I'm not sure why you find it funny that he'd rather waste money exploiting women via sexual objectification instead of providing for his family.

A lot of women like to express that they are cool with their partners watching explicit porn or paying for the occasional lap dance because, I don't know? By not being a prude they think it's empowering or liberal or something, but have you actually researched the sex industry? It's disgusting, and sexist and horrific, and I couldn't accept a partner that enjoyed such activities. Particularly one that felt he didn't have to justify it. Id there was equality in lap dancing and porn, then I'd feel entirely different about it, but it's not, and I don't. I wouldn't be taking him back.

ChicMama25 Tue 13-Nov-12 10:48:55

Dealbreaker. Your dh does not respect you. Or these women. Or any women. YANBU. IMO that's almost cheating. I have friends who used to dance at uni and they would agree with me. It's gross.

AlmostAHipster Tue 13-Nov-12 10:56:13

I would be devastated and furious if a man of mine had done this. Beyond words.

I ended my second marriage for far, far less than this.

Kitsilano Tue 13-Nov-12 10:56:45

Sounds like a right charmer. Not.

His behaviour is all entirely consistent, Charbon's got it spot on. He doesn't respect women generally, he certainly doesn't respect you - hence denying even your right to question his behaviour, and he would appear to care more for the chance to have boobs wiggled in his face than buying his children Christmas presents or taking a family holiday.

What a loser.

And PLEASE dont delude yourself that going to watch a movie even STARTS to consitute "getting your own back".

WilsonFrickett Tue 13-Nov-12 11:02:19

I particularly 'enjoy' the detail that the other man didn't feel he could have a stag do because his then financee was pg, but now she's presumably had a DC it's now fine to go and pay to see naked women. That's real nice hmm

The are both twats. He doesn't respect you or prioritise your family's needs. And they both think that paying for sexual gratification is a Good Thing.

Deal breaker for me I'm afraid.

fluffyraggies Tue 13-Nov-12 11:04:56

OP, he's really taken the piss sad I'm sorry.

You have every right to be upset with him about this.Weather it's the lapdancing or the money spending or the not wanting to discuss it or all 3.

It's horrible when you have to face the fact that your DH is behaving like shit to you. I wouldn't be able to find a funny side to this. A ((hug)) for you. Carry on with this thread, and don't shrug and let this go. This is a big deal IMO, and you shouldn't sweep it under the carpet.

HullyEastergully Tue 13-Nov-12 11:05:37


plim Tue 13-Nov-12 11:13:40

I made my opinion on lap dancing clear in my op, I'm certainly not endorsing it. I am not a doormat, rather the opposite actually but in tandem do not dictate or control what my dh does. It was his choice to go and spend our cash on lap dancers, and I wholeheartedly feel that was a disrespectful decision towards me and our children.

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