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or are the local Posh Mums rude?

(72 Posts)
CarefullEugene Mon 12-Nov-12 20:24:58

DD2 is now in Year 1, pretty quickly in Year R she settled into a group of five girls. The same names are mentioned all the time, they play together, sit together at school etc.

I knew one child (1) from before school, DD and her get on well, she's been here to play a lot and been invited back.

Friend 2 - lovely friendly parents, playdates outside of school have flourished, lifts home from activities

Friend 3 - invited to play at our house, spent all Saturday had a great time, wanted to come back but never an invite back for my DD

Friend 4 - again has been round to play, mum sat drinking coffee in garden, I answered all her questions but never an invite back and failed to even ring/text about the class beach outing she organised during the summer.

First I thought it was 3 & 4 ' s parents did n't 'do' much out of school 'play stuff' but Friend 1 & 2 have both been several times to 3 & 4 s houses. !, 3 & 4 play tennis together. 1 & 3 organise lifts for ballet, which my DD goes to but has never been 'included'.

Have just gritted teeth and asked Friend 4 round again but the mother turned me down due to tennis commitment.

Parents of No.1 have worked very hard to manipulate desirable friendships but I don't know if I can be arsed. We've moved to this area, have a lovely home, work hard, nice manners but it just does n't seem to be enough for the local cheerleader mums.

So do I ask again, encourage DD to find other friends with nicer parents, ask a direct question - Tell me what's wrong?, or love bomb them with playtime/taxi invites?

mrskeithrichards Mon 12-Nov-12 20:28:10

Chill out!

Snog Mon 12-Nov-12 20:28:22

You are over thinking this one
Invite home anyone dd asks you to and if invited back and dd wants to go then fine.
These things are not strictly reciprocal for primary schoolers and don't bother reading anything into that!

TeaBrick Mon 12-Nov-12 20:30:22


GrendelsMum Mon 12-Nov-12 20:30:53

I think you might be worrying about nothing - Families 3 and 4 probably are just rather busy and don't really want to do more play dates than they currently do.

You're a busy, sociable person that likes to see your children have plenty of friends over - these other people may not be so keen on it.

You've got Family 1 and Family 2 so that sounds fine.

Chubfuddler Mon 12-Nov-12 20:31:26

Here, have some salt and vinegar for that chip.

Maybe the families are long standing friends, maybe the parents are complete arses. But you sound really really over intense and it would make me run a mile. You bought your house to impress the school fate crowd - really?

KeemaNaanAndCurryOn Mon 12-Nov-12 20:31:28

Take a breath and chill out.

She has two friends that you invite round to yours and vice versa and that works out fine. Why does it have to be all 4?

If you love bomb them you will look a wee bit creepy IMO.

emsyj Mon 12-Nov-12 20:32:06

Maybe they all know each other already and can't be arsed to welcome someone new into the group. Some people are funny like that - very closed to meeting new people. As I recall from when I was at school, there are some parents (mine, for example) who have kids over all the time, give them lifts here there and everywhere and generally act as hosts. There are others that are happy for other parents to do this but don't want to reciprocate. There are also some who facilitate their DCs socialising with the children of their own friends, rather than facilitating the friendships their DCs choose for themselves.

I don't think there's anything you can do apart from be nice and hope they warm up. It probably isn't helpful to think of them or label them as 'Posh Mums' or to conclude that they are snubbing you because they don't think you're good enough - thinking like that is bound to affect how you interact with them, which may not reflect well on you in the end.

stinkinseamonkey Mon 12-Nov-12 20:32:20

I don't think it works so strictly re reciprication, I mean it should balance out, but I don't see why you can't invite 3 and 4 around again if they want to come and your DD wants them to

ilovesooty Mon 12-Nov-12 20:32:36

Sounds like a lot of fuss about not very much to me. Is your daughter bothered by it? I wondered because it seems to be all about you.

EnjoyResponsibly Mon 12-Nov-12 20:34:24

Mum of no.4 could be said to be rude for excluding you and DD from a class outing.

Since the girls play nicely and happily at your house I'd keep issuing invites and sod worrying about reciprocal invites.

Out of curiosity, why d'you refer to them as Posh mums? Did I miss something?

ioness Mon 12-Nov-12 20:36:22

Yes I live in that kind of area. Just leave it. And play the long game.

Don't overthink.

I invite two dc round regularly. They are not always the ones mine plays with the most. It's just they're parents are friends so I have the parent round too. Occasionally I get round to inviting ones round whom I don't know the parent. It's rarer - because I work, don't have much spare time, and use the playdate opportunities to catch up with friends. No reflection on the dcs and who plays with who etc.

There can be all kinds of reasons. Don't stress on it. Just keep your dc entertained.

The friendships are incredibly fluid at this age. There is no loyalty. You can make a huge effort to cement friendships, for them all to change a month later.

I would agree with poster above (in painful hindsight) chill out and let it happen. And just invite round who is available to entertain your dc when they need it.

SunflowersSmile Mon 12-Nov-12 20:36:37

Lordy me- glad our school and parents not so posh/ anyone for tennis. All sounds a bit much.
I think chilling out is the best option as mentioned before. Relax and let friendships [of both children and adults] flow. Also just think 'sod 'em' if anyone is being a bit snotty/ not including you. [I mean sod the adults, not the children].

Gravenwithdiamonds Mon 12-Nov-12 20:36:49

I agree with snog. DD is likewise part of a group of 5-6 friends. I don't keep track of who is invited where or when or how often.

The number & frequency of playdates depend on whether the mums work, activities after school etc, sometimes spur of the moment and whether the parents can be bothered! I really wouldn't worry. If your child has a nice group of friends and is happy at school, there is no problem.

WorraLiberty Mon 12-Nov-12 20:37:24

You do realise this is about the children and not about you and the other Mums don't you?

Manipulating friendships? I have no idea why people do this sort of thing but you're right to not be arsed.

Your child is so young, leave the friendships be and stop worrying about who plays where and who gives who a lift.

She'll form her own much stronger bonds eventually.

usualsuspect3 Mon 12-Nov-12 20:37:53

Good grief...

PropertyNightmare Mon 12-Nov-12 20:38:06

Seriously you need to calm right down! First rule is always don't try too hard. You can't force a friendship. Perhaps these women just don't really have the want or the need for any extra friends and so are limiting socialising with their dc's new friends' parents to a minimum (unless they really 'click' with someone). It's most probably nothing to do with you and more to do with the fact that they are happy with their current friendships and diary engagements. Don't take it personally
Yes, ostensibly these women do look rather discourteous in their treatment of you but I can see where they are coming from. Life ain't all sunshine and rainbows.

Fakebook Mon 12-Nov-12 20:38:24

I think no. 5 needs to get a life.

PropertyNightmare Mon 12-Nov-12 20:40:09

<<not a Worra minion>> grin

Marzipanface Mon 12-Nov-12 20:45:22

Fuck 'em.

CarefullEugene Mon 12-Nov-12 20:45:59

By the end of the summer term DD was very upset by the lack of invites, so I ran through the whole gambit of mummy cliches eg. May be they're very busy, their mummies have known each other a longtime, they live the same side of town, etc. Never mind Darling let's go to the beach.

Friend no 1. does tend to stick the knife in and twist it a bit, so if she's off to someones house then DD is reminded frequently, excluded at lunchtime and I get told at pickup time directly by Friend 1.

I have been very, very well behaved. It's a small town, evidence will be taken down and remembered long into our retirement so I'm always very smiley, just thought today I'd seeth a little on an anonoymous internet forum.

marriedinwhite Mon 12-Nov-12 20:48:28

OP - I think I can be described as posh. At primary I went out of my way to include and invite everyone I liked and that didn't include some of the "posh" mums. A lovely mum once said (lovely single mum with very lovely daughter who live in an HA flat) I can't invite your dd to mine I don't think you would like it. Response "why not; dd likes your dd and what's good enough for your dd is good enough for my dd".

As the girls went through school they became more selective in their friendships and the group got smaller. I already had an older ds and was very busy and working by the time dd was in Yr1. TBH I only really entertained the parents of dd's really good friends because I didn't have time to do anything else.

As others have said, I think you are overthinking it.

PiggeryJokery Mon 12-Nov-12 20:49:16

But how can parent 4 say yes to a play date youve offered if her child goes to tennis that day? Ds has a few activities, if he's asked for a Monday when he has karate I say sorry he has karate on a mon. I wouldn't cancel his class for a play date. Sometimes life is too busy for play dates. Sometimes he is asked by someone who he doesn't really want to be massively friendly with. Sometimes he's had enough of school and friends and just wants to come home to play and chill out by himself without having to socialise. Sometimes he gets shy and worries too much about going to another house. Sometimes I call the shots because I want to have a coffee and a natter with one of my friends and we call it a play date for the kids, even if its not their first choice. There are so many reasons ... Stop trying so hard, leave it a while and try again next term if you must.

Fakebook Mon 12-Nov-12 20:49:56 I'm always very smiley...

THAT would put me right off!

PiggeryJokery Mon 12-Nov-12 20:52:21

Xposted. Perhaps they're just not that into you, and the more you try the less likely you are to be successful. Sorry.

Being excluded at lunchtime is not on though, I would speak to school about that. I'd also encourage your daughter to widen he circle of friends if possible.

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