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To not want BIL to stay almost whole weekend with us?

(55 Posts)
Misty9 Mon 12-Nov-12 19:21:46

BIL lives fairly local to us (1/2 hr train ride as he doesn't have a car) and is currently (unhappily) single. He and hubby are fairly close and often play ps3 remotely together.

A few weeks ago BIL arranged to come stay on Saturday evening until Sunday, so he could see ds (14 mths). In the end, he turned up sat afternoon and stayed until Monday shock. It was pretty obvious he'd outstayed his welcome by this point and we all felt pretty uncomfortable come Sunday evening.

So...he's asked to come stay this weekend, same thing sat evening until Monday (when he'd head off to work 6am). I've said no and hubby invited him for Sunday but BIL replied that he's in town sat afternoon and it would be a pain to go all the way home and come back Sunday.

Our weekends are precious as, although dh works from home, he really does work so we don't get much time together until 5pm then ds goes to bed at 6.30pm. AIBU to not want 2 of the 3 weekend evenings taken over by BIL? Last time he was here he spent most the time sat on sofa on his phone (texting and playing games - he's 32 btw) and barely lifted a finger...also eating us out of house and home. He played with ds for maybe half an hour too - when I asked him to occupy him hmm

We do get on ok, and my own family live about 4-5hr car journey which I'm not thrilled about. If you're local surely a visit only need be a few hours, at most?!

RuleBritannia Mon 12-Nov-12 19:24:10

A half hour train ride is hardly local, is it?

ImperialStateKnickers Mon 12-Nov-12 19:25:33

YANBU. I think you're going to have to find a 'previous engagement' to put him off with though.

PoppyWearer Mon 12-Nov-12 19:25:51

Use this to your advantage...train your BIL to babysit and use him to go out as a couple, either for lunch or cinema/dinner, whilst he's around.

His future partner will thank you for it!

cozietoesie Mon 12-Nov-12 19:25:52

Sounds like he's looking for comfort/handholding - and your DS is incidental.

MushroomSoup Mon 12-Nov-12 19:26:15

I'd love it tbh. That's what makes a family. You can also ask him to prepare or bring a meal or ALL the cakes and treats for the weekend, cos you can do that, too, with family!

DorsetKnob Mon 12-Nov-12 19:26:34

Absolutely a half hour train ride is local and OP YADNBU. He either does sat to sun or sun to mon.

WorraLiberty Mon 12-Nov-12 19:27:43

He's single, probably lonely and he's close to his brother.

YANBU to feel how you feel I suppose but how does your Husband feel about your veto?

2rebecca Mon 12-Nov-12 19:28:56

If neither of you want him then just say "sorry we have stuff to do that weekend and don't want visitors the whole weekend". It's not clear why exactly he wants to visit anyway.
I don't regard a whole weekend as a long time for family to visit but it does sound as though he's using you as a hotel. If he's in town Sat pm why not come and visit you Sat am and then go home after his visit to town?
Say no and that you have stuff to do and a whole weekend is too long.

Some0ne Mon 12-Nov-12 19:29:19

A half hour train ride is local in my book! My parents and my sister are half an hour's drive from us (in different directions) and none of us ever feel the need to stay in each others' houses overnight. DH's family are mostly around an hour's drive and again, visits are just for a few hours, no overnights, ever.

He's either very lazy, or lonely living on his own and looking for company. How I'd react would depend on which it is.

WorraLiberty Mon 12-Nov-12 19:29:53

And 'getting home' so to speak from work as early as 5pm, means you get to spend loads of time with your DH.

Many people haven't even started the commute home by then.

AnyFucker Mon 12-Nov-12 19:30:15

Get him to babysit and you go out with your husband. Leave him a bar of chocolate as a snack. Go out for tea at 5pm and roll in drunk at 2am. Then be horrifically hungover the next day so he has to step up again, cook his own breakfast as well as the kid's.

You will find the requests to "come over and play with your ds" dry up pretty sharpish.

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere Mon 12-Nov-12 19:30:51

of course half an hour is local!
YANBU.

EuroShagmore Mon 12-Nov-12 19:31:55

I wouldn't have a problem with that once every few weeks, tbh. He's your husband's brother and your son's uncle. It's good that they are spending time together. If it was every weekend, I could see that it would mean you never got any time as a family unit, but once every few weeks I would say is fine.

PurplePidjin Mon 12-Nov-12 19:32:25

Half an hour on a train is fuck all (outside London) and 32 is plenty old enough for a "Nappies are in the drawer, bed no later than 8, and no more than 3 episodes of Peppa/Thomas. Byeeee!"

Either that or, come 2pm Sunday, "Right, we're off out, we'll drop you at the station on the way, BIL"

ChasedByBees Mon 12-Nov-12 19:32:34

I've visited family a two hour train journey away for the day, there's no excuse to stay that long for a 30 minute journey, no.

BackforGood Mon 12-Nov-12 19:32:37

YABU to veto your dh's brother and dc's uncle coming to spend time with them.
I like the idea of getting him to babysit the one night though smile

outtolunchagain Mon 12-Nov-12 19:32:56

Children travel half an hour to school around here . It's half an hour trail. Ride to our nearest town and I wouldn't considers staying the night when I go to m& S.

He sounds a bit lonely to me but anyway a day or afternoon visit sounds find to me ,

Ragwort Mon 12-Nov-12 19:34:49

What does your DH do whilst his DB is visiting - can't he just carry on whatever you do as a family or does he tend to want to play on the PS as well? Great idea to ask him to babysit whilst you get an evening together. Or suggest you all go to soft-play/park/supermarket together, that might put the brother off grin. But really, it's up to your DH to say something if he doesn't want his own DB to come and stay (or perhaps he enjoys his company?).

DameEnidsOrange Mon 12-Nov-12 19:35:20

Yes I think allowing BIL quality time with his DN is an excellent idea - that is what he has come for after all grin

izzywizzyisbizzy Mon 12-Nov-12 19:36:35

If my sister asked to come and stay, Id say yes, no questions asked, so what if its just because he is lonely.

DH wouldnt even consider saying no either.

TidyDancer Mon 12-Nov-12 19:46:29

I feel really sorry for your BIL tbh. sad

I would certainly let him come, but perhaps if you're not feeling that generous, you could ask him to babysit one of the nights so you and DH could go out?

Btw, you are lucky to get the large amounts of time together that you do. There are lots of people who would kill to finish work at 5 and not have a massive commute before they can see their families.

squeakytoy Mon 12-Nov-12 19:48:21

You sound unreasonable to me.. if it were your own sister would you be quite so keen to not have her over.

The BIL sounds a bit lonely and clearly wants to spend time with his family (perhaps even his grumpy SIL).

Misty9 Mon 12-Nov-12 19:50:34

I think he probably is lonely - though he lives with a mate. Also, after living in London where anywhere is an hours journey away, I do think half a hour is local! smile

Hubby wouldn't really say how he felt, just that it wasn't about only his opinion but us all as a family. I also know we're very lucky to have dh with us at 5pm, but that's only really in time for tea, clearing up and bedtime routine. So I guess it's more about the daytime at the weekend than the evening.

I think I'd feel less stressed if BIL actually did anything to help when he's here. My comparison is my brother and BIL who cook, clear away and entertain ds a lot when they visit. Maybe I just need to find a way to tell hubby's brother to muck in when he visits for that long! Liking some of the suggestions grin

We've so far suggested that we go to him on Sunday, to save him travelling. No response since last night...

Hassled Mon 12-Nov-12 19:52:35

He's lonely and he's your husband's brother - and you do see your DH from 5 each day, so it's not like he's away working all week. Cut him some slack. You are sounding a bit precious - one weekend like this every few weeks isn't going to kill you.

The real issue is the fact you dislike him - but he isn't going to disappear. So is there anything you can do to work on that? Anything you do have in common, aside from your DH?

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