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To buy my own Christmas presents?

(109 Posts)
TheHairyDieter Mon 12-Nov-12 05:08:35

OK, so I am not a materialistic person. Really, I'm not. But it is nice to get presents. When I was growing up we never had much money (my parents were on benefits for most of my childhood), but they always made sure we had great Christmases and Birthdays. They didn't spend a lot of money, as I said, we didn't have it, but they made us feel special and loved.

My DH on the other hand never bothers. I cannot remember the last time I got a present from him. Every birthday, christmas, anniversary, I tell him what I would like, but he never gets me anything. He used to, years ago. I always get nice things for him. His latest excuse is that he can't use his debit card to buy online from the UK (we are overseas), but he could ask me to get something and give me the money, or set up a Paypal account, for instance. Or buy something locally. He always manages to get presents for his parents hmm

I talked to him about it last night (again) and told him that it makes me feel that he doesn't appreciate me, to which he gave his usual reply, "yeah, fair enough". And I told him that it wasn't really good enough, to which he replied "nah, it's not, is it". That's it. End of the conversation.

So I made a list of all the things I have wanted for the past couple of years, and I am so tempted to just buy them for myself grin. I am sitting here with my list and my credit card.

Should I? Or am I BU? Thanks. Feel free to flame me if I am.

3plus2 Thu 15-Nov-12 17:43:03

I think it's a man thing like above some men really don't do presents ! My dad doesn't for my mum , mine doesn't for me think they just don't know how ! So I'm not getting for them either instead the money I would have spent on them I will spend on myself /D

fedupofnamechanging Thu 15-Nov-12 16:31:44

Hairy, anyone can say 'I love you' - some people are very good at saying all the right things. But in the end, you only know it's true, by the way they behave towards you. Your husband is not behaving like a man who loves you.

I think it's heartbreaking to be in a marriage and have to buy your own Christmas presents, because he can't be bothered. It's one thing for a couple to have a genuine agreement not to buy these things, but he knows it matters to you and he just cba to make an effort. And that isn't even your biggest problem - a man who routinely lies and hides chunks of his life from you is not really your partner in life. It is hugely disrespectful.

I think he doesn't deserve you. You are going to have to make some tough decisions - do you suck it up and live this way forever, or do you look at building a life that doesn't necessarily include him. I think ultimatums (that you are prepared to follow through) need to be made and if he doesn't make real steps to change then I can't see you being happy, ever.

Throwing the IVF back at you is just horrible - there are no excuses for that.

Bosgrove Thu 15-Nov-12 14:05:09

I am getting a camera for Christmas from my DH, how do I know?

I reserved it at Argos and requested that the reservation number be sent to his phone by text.

It is the only way I would get a present as otherwise I would have to buy it for myself. He didn't give my anything for my 40th this year when I refused to buy my own and called his bluff.

It's not that he doesn't love me, he does and shows it in lots of different ways, it's just that some men aren't very good at buying presents and he never picked up on any hints that I gave him.

3plus2 Thu 15-Nov-12 08:00:43

If it helps which it won't my DP is the same I've decided I'm not buying for him or his family this year ,as I have done every year since we have been together! He doesn't buy for the DC's either nope that all down to me and tbh I now hate Christmas and its all cause of him

cantreachmytoes Thu 15-Nov-12 07:49:11

Although he is in contact with his parents, do you think he actually likes and respects them? I'm wondering (cliché alert, but bear with me) if he has a deep-seated problem with his mother which could translate into a problem with relationships with women. He seems to have a problem of giving to woman, at least in some ways (gift is obvious, but porn is all about taking). In a roundabout way, his not giving you a present, when he clearly knows the value of receiving them himself, could be related to feelings (even subconsciously) he has towards his awful sounding mother, but for whatever reason had never been able to express.

That definitely doesn't make it ok though and I also think he needs to not receive a gift this Christmas.

It sounds like you're not happy, but leaving is a big step - especially if you're abroad (think you mentioned that you are). If counselling is available where you are, it might be a good avenue to take before leaving. If he refuses to ever go, then that's a different issue.

So no gift for Christmas, but a Valentine's surprise of 10 counselling sessions!

HermioneHatesHoovering Thu 15-Nov-12 06:23:30

"He has already hinted at what he wants for Christmas. It is very expensive." shock


When you've done that add up what you've spent on his presents for the whole time he's not bought you any and spend it all on yourself.

RiaOverTheRainbow Thu 15-Nov-12 02:46:45

If you think it would be helpful to share the back story I'd be happy to listen Hairy. Or if you prefer you could name change and post in relationships, I'm sure you'd get great advice there.

mayihaveaboxofchoculaits Wed 14-Nov-12 07:23:22

Hairy - after all mn comments, maybe the next step is nothing to do with him, (like you said) but work out how to live your life without him. Building up a network away from him, work on self esteem, and when he sees you changing he wil either be impressed(not nec) or you will be strong enough to help yourself.
I hate that the only advice I can give any woman is not trust their partner to support them, but I honestly believe that.
I think all mothers have to be the strong one for their children, and themself, because to expect support when you really need never happens.
Build up another network, (dont be beligerent to your partner, or cruel) and understand that everyone on mn whether they admit it or not is doing this too.

Snog Wed 14-Nov-12 06:36:24

PM me if you like OP
What I want for Christmas though is for you to get yourself some decent RL support for the sake of you and your dc.happiness is waiting for you OP. find a good counsellor.

Isityouorme Wed 14-Nov-12 06:02:11

Please don't buy him any presents. Wrap yours up and give them to yourself on Christmas Day. I think it is the only way to get him to recognise what a dick he is. He sounds quite selfish and you must stop pandering to him.

midseasonsale Wed 14-Nov-12 05:26:54

do you think he loves you?

midseasonsale Wed 14-Nov-12 05:24:25

don't get him the 600 car gift. just something small. also things for yourself to unwrap Xmas day of equal value.

TheHairyDieter Wed 14-Nov-12 04:59:30

There is quite a shocking backstory, which I am not sure I can post on a public forum, but quite happy to disclose in a PM... if anybody's interested, of course.

Snog Tue 13-Nov-12 19:50:23

I said "OP write us a list of what really makes a person worthwhile, and worthy of love - I suggest this as you say you do not feel worthy of this man's love. Tbh I suspect you are worthy of a whole lot more. Write the list for us. "
You replied with the reasons you are not worthy of love in your own view ie you are older than your dh and you feel that he is better looking.

So does that mean that in your view a person is only worthy of love if they are better looking than their dh and younger? Is that what makes someone worthy of love or not? And if you are from a poorer background are you less of a person or less worthy of love?

Have another try OP - write me a list of what makes a person worthwhile and worthy of love?

And if you truly love someone, would you want them to feel needy and reliant on you? It sounds to me like your dh likes you to feel like this.

Your happiness should be important to your dh. He should treat you with respect and make you feel cherished and loved for who you are. He should give you emotional support and be your friend. He should care not one jot if you are from a poorer home or if you are a few years older than him. If he loves you you will always look beautiful to him.

You cannot change to make him love you. OP I think counselling woud help you enormously at this point. Don't waste your life being unhappy - it doesn't need to be this way.

fuzzpig Tue 13-Nov-12 15:48:29

Oh hairy. sad Where is your self esteem? (((Hug)))

I'm glad you are starting to see the truth, it sounds like he's really manipulated you.

nickelrocketgoBooooooom Tue 13-Nov-12 14:39:59

If he doesn't do presents for you, then you must stop doing presents for him.

i hope it's nothing deeper than him just forgetting/not thinking.

ps: i love your presents. beautiful and practical :0

mayihaveaboxofchoculaits Tue 13-Nov-12 14:33:08

I'm sorry.

TheHairyDieter Tue 13-Nov-12 12:44:16

Actually, apart from the porn thing (doesn't do that anymore) you are spot on sad. Maybe things are worse than I thought sad.

SugarplumMary Tue 13-Nov-12 12:43:32

If he was just being slack - he'd have been horrified he'd upset you rather than indiffernet.

I think it is I who needs to change. If only I could work out how to not be so needy and reliant on him...

You’re blaming yourself here and forgetting there are two people in a relationship and both need make it work - if only one tries it’s going to fail.

Whoknowswhocares Tue 13-Nov-12 12:39:35

So he hurts you knowingly and doesn't care
He can't be arsed to visit you in hospital when you are seriously ill
He is secretive and lies
He wants to be treated with presents and kindness, but expects it to be one way
He watched porn even though you have made your unhappiness about it clear
He lets his family disrespect you
He thinks he's done you a 'favour' in having a child with you and throws it in your face every time he wants his own way

And you think it is you who needs to change? REALLY?
Are you happy to live like this for the next 30 years or so? Because he won't change.

TheHairyDieter Tue 13-Nov-12 12:20:03

Why don't you just say what you mean? I could maybe benefit from your perspective.

Chubfuddler Tue 13-Nov-12 12:15:23

It's my palm, hitting my face in despair at your last post.

TheHairyDieter Tue 13-Nov-12 12:14:26

What does this mean: <face palm>. Thanks.

Chubfuddler Tue 13-Nov-12 12:08:16

<face palm>

Good luck op, you'll need it.

TheHairyDieter Tue 13-Nov-12 11:46:40

Yeah, he's not really as bad as he sounds. I think it is more that he is slack rather than deliberately nasty (which is more than I can say for his family). I have thought about leaving a few times over the years. I do love him, I think it is I who needs to change. If only I could work out how to not be so needy and reliant on him...

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