To buy my own Christmas presents?

[TheHairyDieter]

OK, so I am not a materialistic person. Really, I'm not. But it is nice to get presents. When I was growing up we never had much money (my parents were on benefits for most of my childhood), but they always made sure we had great Christmases and Birthdays. They didn't spend a lot of money, as I said, we didn't have it, but they made us feel special and loved.

My DH on the other hand never bothers. I cannot remember the last time I got a present from him. Every birthday, christmas, anniversary, I tell him what I would like, but he never gets me anything. He used to, years ago. I always get nice things for him. His latest excuse is that he can't use his debit card to buy online from the UK (we are overseas), but he could ask me to get something and give me the money, or set up a Paypal account, for instance. Or buy something locally. He always manages to get presents for his parents

I talked to him about it last night (again) and told him that it makes me feel that he doesn't appreciate me, to which he gave his usual reply, "yeah, fair enough". And I told him that it wasn't really good enough, to which he replied "nah, it's not, is it". That's it. End of the conversation.

So I made a list of all the things I have wanted for the past couple of years, and I am so tempted to just buy them for myself . I am sitting here with my list and my credit card.

Should I? Or am I BU? Thanks. Feel free to flame me if I am.

[Lavenderhoney]

I would buy them, wrap them up, and hand them to myself on the day! I have done this:) dh quite likes it, as it takes pressure off him and he then gets me something small like a bracelet so he has made an effort but no pressure- plus being short of funds I want what I want iykwim..

[TheHairyDieter]

It's not really about the presents, it is more about making a point. I am hurt that he doesn't get me anything even though he knows it upsets me.

[JellyMould]

That would really hurt me. Of course you deserve presents! How do you react on Christmas/birthdays when you don't have anything?

[TheHairyDieter]

I always say how much it has hurt me, but he just ignores me or gives some lame excuse.

[StuntNun]

Buy yourself a treat or two but maybe don't expect him to change his ways. From your brief description it doesn't sound like he's going to have an epiphany when he finds out you've bought presents for yourself.

[Santasinmypudenda]

Does he get anything for Christmas?

[mayihaveaboxofchoculaits]

I would buy stuff that I want and know the family can afford, definitatly. But you, reasonably, want more than that. And his passive dismissive agreeing with you, is really not on.
he is deliberately not engaging with you, whats he like in other ways? Does he think you are always asking for stuff,is he spending less time with you ,is he bothered about somethingelse,is he distant?
He buys for his parents,so he is not being truthful to you.
If he wont engage with you ,you have a bigger problem with him, im afraid.

[ChasedByBees]

I would put the money you usually spend on his nice Christmas present towards your own. Show him how it feels for a change. If he can do it for his parents he's not just generally h

[ChasedByBees]

Gah pressed send

...Hopeless, as mayi said, it seems more of a problem. :(

[TheHairyDieter]

I always buy him presents for birthdays & Christmas. No, he doesn't think I am always asking for stuff, I very rarely buy things for myself. He spends all his spare time with me and the kids (his choice). He has a history of being quite secretive, although I don't think he's hiding anything at the moment.

He doesn't really engage much, but I think that's just the way he is. We have fun together, but can never talk about important stuff.

[LRDtheFeministDragon]

Crikey, what a wanker.

Sorry, I'm sure he's nice in some way, but what a wanker.

That's so rude to say to you, almost as if he knows he's hurting you but doesn't care.

Anyway, you didn't ask my opinion on that but bloody YES, but yourself something nice. I'm not quite sure why you'd bother buying stuff for him given the response.

[Snog]

In all honesty, unless he goes for counselling I think there is not much chance he will change his present giving to you. So I guess you have to find a way through this for yourself, on your own.

Is there stuff he could do for rather than buy for you on the day? If so ask for it. You need to feel valued, how else does he show you he values you?

[Alligatorpie]

I understand you are hurt. Does he buy stuff from your dc's for you?

I sometimes buy and wrap my own presents, dh sends me links of what he wants. We rarely surprise each other with gifts....but it works for us and I don't think either of us has a problem with it. If we did, that would be different.

Yes, I would buy stuff and wrap it up in extra special paper. And put from your name on the tag.

[TheHairyDieter]

He doesn't really show that he values me at all. Although he would argue differently. We just had a baby (through IVF) and he will argue that he agreed to the IVF for me. Whenever I criticise him he will say "well, I agreed to the IVF". It was very expensive, I understand that. And I do appreciate it as I know he didn't want another child.

Speaking of which, I nearly died giving birth and was in intensive care for 2 and a half days. I hardly saw him. He only brought the baby to see me twice and visited on his own once (he was 2 mins away). He blamed the hospital visiting hours, yet my consultant said he could come at any time because I was bf'ing.

When I asked him why he didn't come, he said that he didn't want to leave the baby. Fair enough, but he was happy to leave her to do the school run.

Not only that, but when I got out of intensive care I saw an email from his mum saying: "so glad TheHairyDieter is out of hospital. It will make things so much easier for you". He absolutely does not get why this upset me.

[Convert]

Well, he sounds lovely. I think you really have deeper issues with him and I think you are totally justified in feeling that way. He seems incredibly selfish and thoughtless.
In the present side, I would take the money you would normally use to buy him a present, double it at least and buy yourself a fabulous present and buy him nothing. On Christmas morning when he doesn't have a present he might understand how you normally feel.

[TheHairyDieter]

He has already hinted at what he wants for Christmas. It is very expensive. And imported. And the postage is the same price as the item. The thing is, part of me wants to get it for him because I want him to be happy. I know that makes me sound a bit wimpish, I'm not, honestly.

[Santasinmypudenda]

Buy him nothing, he clearly doesnt think enough of you to get you one
.

I personally would spend the money on a one way ticket home

[TheHairyDieter]

Would you really, Santasinmypudenda? So you don't think I'm overreacting?

[Loveweekends10]

I think the presents are the least of your worries to be honest.

[TheHairyDieter]

He is not as bad as he sounds .

He rings me several times a day because he is 'missing' me. He tells me he loves me often. He would never say 'no' to anything I wanted, although that's not really the point...

I am just fucked off about the present issue, because it's important to me. And the fact that I just don't feel he values me, even though I don't doubt he loves me.

[MrsCantSayAnything]

Do it. I just got myself some very impractical boots because I wanted them. I called it an early Christmas pressie.

[TheDoctrineOfSnatch]

Op I would say, "look, I know you are hinting about getting golf clubs (for eg) for Christmas. I just want to let you know now that as you haven't bought me a Xmas or birthday present for 5 years (or whatever), I am not going to get you a gift this year."

How do you pay for presents in your family? Does all come out of the joint account?

Secondly I would say, "you need to stop using "I agreed to IVF" in any kind of argument or discussion. "
He did agree, you now have a baby and it's wrong to use the baby's origins as any kind of leverage. What if your older child overhears and thinks that only mummy not daddy wanted the baby.

How do you feel about raising these things with him?

[worsestershiresauce]

Hmmmm, I'd say that he has lost interest and more than a little bit of love for you. That sounds harsh, but I had a partner like that once. He was rubbish at presents generally, but at the beginning of the relationship he managed fine. Once he stopped bothering.... well enough said really.

[TheHairyDieter]

I have just bought myself this this this and these

Merry Christmas

[TheHairyDieter]

Hmmmm, I'd say that he has lost interest and more than a little bit of love for you.

It does seem like it, doesn't it?