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to think PIL are tossers and want as little as possible to do with them?

(27 Posts)
midori1999 Sun 11-Nov-12 21:21:11

Well, MIL and DH's stepfather, but I'll call him SFIL. I have always been polite and pleasant to them, but have just had enough tbh.

When DH was growing up, MIL used to leave DH and his brother, aged 5 and 6, locked outside of their house so she could have an affair with SFIL. She also allowed SFIL to hit DH and his brother with a piece of 2 x 2. (wood) The first time I met MIL, when DH went to the toilet she told me she knew his first marriage wouldn't last as his first wife was 'too good for him'. hmm

Luckily they live abroad, but whenever they come to stay they are very rude and treat the place like a hotel. (recently posted about this) They never say please or thankyou and never do anything for themselves, despite me making it clear they are welcome to get their own drinks etc. They always ask me to do it. When they stayed at the same time as my Mum last year they treated her like a servant. In the end I told her to stop doing things for them, but she wanted to to keep the peace. This time when they stayed SFIL joked about how if my Mum was here she would have just been moaning about having to do things for him. shock

I have three sons from my first marriage. My youngest DS, who is nearly 9, has Downs Syndrome. SFIL has openly called him 'backward' before now and treats him like an idiot in spite of myself and DH explaining to FIL that DS understands everything pretty much, but his speech is very delayed. My in laws ignore my DS's birthdays, not even a card. (ironic seeing as SFIL refuses to ever have anything to do with his own DC apparently as they forgot his Birthday once!) I am not even sure they know when they are, and don't usually get them anything at Christmas whilst openly giving DD money. SFIL also subtley bullies DS2, (11, young for age, waiting for a possible ADHD diagnosis) IMO, things such as offering to shake his hand, but gripping it really tightly so it hurts him. He also makes lots of nasty comments to DS2, such as calling him stupid etc. He does it in a 'jokey' way, but it's not funny. I intervene as much as possible when this happens, whilst trying not to be rude.

I'm absolutely sick of them tbh. I feel they look down on me and my family. I have told DH that for future visits they will have to stay in a hotel and that I want as little as possible to do with them.


catgirl1976 Sun 11-Nov-12 21:23:54


They sound toxic and horrible

What does you DH think? I would want to cut them out completely and only DHs feelings would prevent me from doing so, but if I had to keep contact for him it would be bare minimum

MammaTJ Sun 11-Nov-12 21:24:47

No YANBU, you are a mum trying to protect her children!!

lovelyladuree Sun 11-Nov-12 21:25:43

YANBU. I would not have the poisonous pair near me, my family or anyone I love. Save yourselves.

RuleBritannia Sun 11-Nov-12 21:29:03

You say they live abroad but they don't sound as if they are British, do they? What nationality are they? Sounds like one where women do the work from the way they treated your mother.

If they have to visit you again, I agree that they should stay at a hotel and pay for it themselves

Limelight Sun 11-Nov-12 21:30:16

Totally understand. I wouldn't want them anywhere near my DC either.

catgirl1976 Sun 11-Nov-12 21:31:00

They "don't sound as if they are British"? confused

squeakytoy Sun 11-Nov-12 21:32:03

YANBU. I hope your husband backs you up fully.

midori1999 Sun 11-Nov-12 21:34:12

DH makes excuses about them. He didn't even really think there was anything wrong with his childhood/that it had been abusive until we talked about it. sad He says that SFIL 'just winds kids up' and doesn't say anything at all about his Mum basically facilitating his abuse as a child and not protecting him. I think he finds it very hard, he still seeks their approval now, fuck knows why! If I try and discuss it with him he says that I 'hate' his family as though I have no reason to dislike them. He does say he will say they have to stay in a hotel next time they come to visit, but I know at the time they will make a huge deal about how poor they are (I don't they their personal financial details, but they appear tight, not poor) and DH will try and persuade me to let them stay here.

LemonBreeland Sun 11-Nov-12 21:34:26

YANBU. Why does your DH continue to have anything to do with them?

apostropheuse Sun 11-Nov-12 21:34:36


They sound disgusting and you don't need any people like that in you or your children's lives.

LemonBreeland Sun 11-Nov-12 21:35:37

x-posted, defintiely stand your ground OP. Why should your poor DC put up with that, or you for that matter.

MayTheOddsBeEverInYourFavour Sun 11-Nov-12 21:35:48


and if they are being horrible to your children then don't worry about being rude, you don't have to be polite while they're being twats

Life is way to short to waste on people like that

MayTheOddsBeEverInYourFavour Sun 11-Nov-12 21:37:08

Tell your DH to man up and look after his family, it might not be easy but it needs to be done

midori1999 Sun 11-Nov-12 21:38:01

RuleBrittania they are English but live abroad now. They do view housework etc as 'womens work' though, although at the same time seeming to look down on me as a SAHM, although I do voluntary work.

EverybodysSnowyEyed Sun 11-Nov-12 21:47:12

You have 3 children who are of no relation to these people. As their parent you should be keeping them away. For your 9 year old alone this is deeply damaging.

I think you are completely within your rights to demand they stay elsewhere when they visit and give your sons a get out clause about even meeting up with them.

Do you have kids with your dh? Do they treat them differently?


whois Sun 11-Nov-12 21:54:27


Why does your DH have anything to do with such foul people? Cut them out, don't allow them to stay and keep them the hell away from your DCs!

MogTheForgetfulCat Sun 11-Nov-12 21:56:25

YANBU - they sound utterly vile. Your poor DC sad.

RyleDup Sun 11-Nov-12 21:58:27

I wouldn't let them back in the house. They sound toxic.

OpheliaPayneAgain Sun 11-Nov-12 22:00:56

Depends, its Dhs house too, he has a say who stays, you of course can withdraw all maid-waitress-cook services grin

AThingInYourLife Sun 11-Nov-12 22:04:01

He called your son backward.

He should never darken your door again.

AThingInYourLife Sun 11-Nov-12 22:06:47

"its Dhs house too, he has a say who stays,"


The 9 year old boy who calls that house home should not have to share it with visitors who think he is "backward".

forgetmenots Sun 11-Nov-12 22:13:20

applause for AThingInYourLife.

YANBU, they deserve to be sent to Coventry. How does your DH feel?

midori1999 Sun 11-Nov-12 22:20:25

everybodys, DH and I had twin daughters together and have a living DD3. MIL always wanted a Grandaughter and treats DD, who is still just a baby, like a little princess/doll, although I get the impression that is about her and not DD. I was on bedrest when I was pregnant with my twins. The waters around the first twin went at 14 weeks and we knew we would be very lucky not to lose them both. As it was I held on until 24 weeks, but during the time I was on bedrest MIL was constantly emailing to see if we'd found the gender of the babies yet and saying she hoped 'at least one was a girl'. The urge to email back and say we hoped 'at least one was alive' was overwhelming.

After we lost our twin DD's, I did warm to MIL a lot tbh, as I felt that she was one of the few people who had really felt their loss as DH and I had, but as time has gone on I have sadly come to realise that it wasn't about us or the daughters we lost, but about her and 'her twin girls'. sad

midori1999 Sun 11-Nov-12 22:24:04

Not that I am defending them, but they do attempt to be nice to DS3. However, they've made it obvious how they see him. DH defends them saying it's just their age, but I don't think that's an excuse.

In fact, DH constantly defends them. I have no idea why!!!!

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