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to feel resentful about parenting differently.. but how to avoid??

(31 Posts)
FreeTimeWahey Sun 11-Nov-12 16:54:20

My husband and I were very skint after illness but wanted to give our PFB a sibling anyway.
Our 2nd DC turned out to be Dtwins!!! It was/is so hard with no family help and having to watch every penny.
We can cope but Have got a problem of simply 'having' to be more strict then I would have liked. This is Due to sheer demands of 3 young DC, no family help, tiredness, too little time and money and so much housework and chores.
I have lovely friends though all have the standard 2 DC, 2 years apart.

I know I shouldn't feel this way, but I get jealous when they can indulge their kids more eg "He won't put his own shoes on at age 5 so I still do it for him! " and moaning about how much their two squabble when I literally can only just cope with complicated 3 way allegiances/fights and constant refereeing.

I KNOW of course its not my friends fault my last few years have been such a struggle and that I haven't had lot of choices. I just feel the loss of the joy of parenting I would have normally so much more when I see what they do or listen to them.

I can't help it and try and always be nice but feel isolated and so different to everyone else.sad
This is prob the wrong place for this I suppose
/sigh.

JackThePumpkinKing Sun 11-Nov-12 16:57:58

It's nothing to do with number of kids though - I'm really strict and DS is an only. I see what you're saying, but the people who are still babying their 5yo's would likely be doing that however many kids they had.

Sounds like you're having a tough time though, how old are your DC?

gallicgirl Sun 11-Nov-12 17:02:41

Actually I'd be inclined to chat to a good friend about how difficult your life is sometimes. A good friend should understand.

As far as giving time to children, they all have different needs and independence is a valuable skill. The woman who has to put her son's shoes on might be secretly wishing he was less dependent on her.

I'm sure it will get easier as they get older and learn to entertain themselves better.

FreeTimeWahey Sun 11-Nov-12 17:03:00

Arg not explained it well. I want company so don't want to avoid friends but hate the jealous feelings when say, they can let their little ones have more choices, generally run things more but I can't. Eg One dc wants to stay longer or leave playground earlier or wants more of my time I am always more restricted. I am also v jealous of the little bits of one-on one time others get. My husband works long hours so one on one is rare and just hard work to organise.
Wish I got it regularly but when DC is at a club I am still spending the whole time refereeing 2 other DC.
I don't want to be a horrible resentful person!!

StaceeJaxx Sun 11-Nov-12 17:03:10

I have 2 DC 3 years apart, they're 9 and 6 now, but the early years were a nightmare for me and I only had 2! I found I did a lot more for my PFB before I had dd2 just because I could. When dd2 came along she had to learn that she couldn't always have my undivided attention. She's now very capable because of it. Don't beat yourself up, it must be very trying with 3. I know it's only in the last year or so since dd2 has started school that I've found it much easier.

FreeTimeWahey Sun 11-Nov-12 17:15:45

Thanks JackTthe and Garlic Girl,
I sort if see your points but I feel I had not had any choice on how strict I am.
Would someone really be able to wait on a five year old all the time doing shoes etc past when its not needed if they have to get three ready for school run and two little ones the same age not one, so if one get it the other would want same. If you are only just coping with three all asking for your help and time I feel I have H A D to be much more tough than I wanted to be. When I've had two 3 yes olds or 4 year olds who want a piggy back part of th e way home I have to be less obliging.
I font think its the same for the only two other mums I know who had 3 DC as they both had big gap before their third so they had more sensible 2 older 6+ children when their youngest was a toddler. I suppose I resent not having g the choice to spread out my kids. its to concentrated for me. But know I'm so lucky when others can't have any DC or a 2nd at all.

I don't feel anyone understands how it feels - Stupid probably of me?!?

GoldPlatedNineDoors Sun 11-Nov-12 17:21:20

Being less obligant with your dcs is a Good Thing.

In five years time you will have dcs who can get themselves dressed and undressed, tidy up after themselves and have the patience to wait their turn.

Meanwhile, your friends' dcs will be busy growing into the type of entitled husbands and wives that make lives hell for their spouses and subsequent kids.

RummidgeGeneral Sun 11-Nov-12 17:25:50

As a mum of three (including twins) I understand how difficult it is when your kids are young. As they get older though there will be a massive payback in terms of them playing with each other, and if you've been fairly strict it may be that you will have an easier time dealing with some of the pre-teen and teenage issues! Here's hoping anyway.

Svrider Sun 11-Nov-12 17:28:13

I think you need to give yourself a break
You are doing your best
I know several mums who CBA to go to park at all, never mind staying longer
Try to think of everything you have achieved in your day (getting up and being dressed is a Major achievement)
Also do have any time to yorself at all, doing fuck all?
I find even locking myself in toilet with a bit a music keeps me sane

booklava Sun 11-Nov-12 17:35:43

I envy you in some ways as I would have loved to have twins, instead I had 4 the oldest was 4yrs 1 month when youngest was born. I had to be stricter with them than some friends who only had 2/3 and felt guilty at such things as making my 2y 10m old walk because I only had a double buggy and buggy boards weren't around then! But on the positve side I now have a 17 yo, 16 yo, 15 yo and 13 yo who are very independent, lovely (not biased at all) teenagers. So hang in there you will come through the other side wink

Justforlaughs Sun 11-Nov-12 17:39:27

I'm a mum of 5 and my middle three were born within 2 and a half years (wasn't planned like that). Yes, it was very hard at times and I know that my DS2 (who was the oldest of the 3) had to be more independent than he would have if I had had a bigger gap, however, now they are all a bit older (middle three are 12,13 amd 14) they are all very close and all of them are independent and confident in themselves. They get on well together and while we have struggled in the past and still do to an extent to give them their own time, it does get easier. This year I have been away with my DD1 for a martial art week, my DH took my 14 year old on rugby tour and then my 12 yo DS to LOndon to the museums. They all have different interests and it's important to acknowledge that and do yor best to make time to show them that they are all imortant to you. It is harder when they are younger, make no mistake about it, but it does get easier, don't give up. All you can do for your kids is your best and while I understand where you are coming from, the fact that you don't do your DC's laces up for him will do nothing but good in the long run, honestly. Even if you feel like you would have liked to have the choice.

lljkk Sun 11-Nov-12 17:50:28

You sound tired. My hat is off to any mum of multiples (that includes quite a few in my own family, come to think of it).

fabsmum Sun 11-Nov-12 17:54:58

Hmmm, I often dress my 7 and 9 year olds in the morning, because I love doing it. They're so cute and sleepy. I'm conscious of the fact that they're probably going to not want me anywhere near them in a few short years when they're teenagers.

But you know what - YOU are the sensible one. My kids are a fecking nuisance and spend a lot of time shrieking at me to do things for them, despite the fact they can do it themselves.

I often feel hugely inferior that I've not made my children more self-sufficient. I don't think I've done them any favours at all.

So give yourself a big pat on the back - you are doing right by your dc's!

cory Sun 11-Nov-12 18:01:59

"Would someone really be able to wait on a five year old all the time doing shoes etc past when its not needed if they have to get three ready for school run and two little ones the same age not one, so if one get it the other would want same."

Quite possibly imo. When I had one disabled child and another one very badly coordinated I found myself doing far too much for them simply because I was short of time and it took much longer to wait for them to do it. I feel I have been laxer and less keen to teach them independence than I would have liked because I simply didn't have the energy. The mums I have seen really, really baby their dc have often turned out to have some hidden problem, such as depression, affecting their energy levels.

SO I salute you for still having the energy to push this: comfort yourself with the thought that it will pay off.

RyleDup Sun 11-Nov-12 18:03:45

My friend has twins and 1 dc 18 months older. Its hard, she doesn't stop. I really feel for her.

FreeTimeWahey Sun 11-Nov-12 18:13:52

thanks cory Just Fab book and others, what lovely kind posts! I do look forward to the future as it should get easier but also sad about their being-little years all being over in a big rush with no time to indulge them.
I do not deserve any congratulations for being tougher/stricter etc. Its only happened because for example when they were all asking for me to chop up their food or help them on with socks tights they often naturally got bit fed up with waiting for me, so while waiting fir ne to do the other two they would try stuff themselves! They had more incentive. Also there is only a finite number of hours in the day to do everything so as soon as they could possibly do anything eg wipe their bum, do zips, go down slide by themselves we kind of forced them to do it out of tiredness. Didn't feel like we gadget a choice.

Any ideas how I stop being a horrible jealous old moo? And move past it to be a mellow accepting friend. I know we all are different.

FreeTimeWahey Sun 11-Nov-12 18:14:53

oops ....feel like we had a choice.... not gadget a choice. Stupid phone!

pjmama Sun 11-Nov-12 18:20:03

I have DTs age 6, it's bloody hard and it sounds to me like you're doing just fine. There's absolutely nothing wrong with getting your kids to do things for themselves, it won't kill them and it doesn't mean you love them any less. I'm most definitely in the "put your own shoes on and wipe your own arse" camp when it comes to parenting. As soon as they're tall enough, I'll be teaching them to iron! wink

pjmama Sun 11-Nov-12 18:21:10

And you only see a snapshot of your friends lives, don't assume they're any happier or better parents than you are. It's a tough job and we're all just making it up as we go along.

fabsmum Sun 11-Nov-12 18:35:24

Freetime - I used to live in Kenya, and over there the children of poor parents have to be incredibly self-sufficient, to the point of being prepared to take responsibility for younger siblings at the age of 5, and preparing their own food when they are barely of school age.

I was constantly amazed by how smart and wonderful these children were. And they were not in the least bit unhappy if they were well-nourished (most were) and treated kindly (most were).

You are doing your children a favour by making them self-sufficient. Don't doubt yourself!

drizzlecake Sun 11-Nov-12 18:49:26

I wouldn't worry about what any other mum's are doing, it's pointless, their DCs will be different ages and temperaments from yours.

But it would be good if you could arrange a break from DCs during the week. Say an evening with adult company and maybe an afternoon at the weekend. Just so you come back refreshed and more appreciative of them. You matter too.

FreeTimeWahey Sun 11-Nov-12 19:33:21

thank you drizzle, Fab, and pyjama . some very wise advice.
I think I have a problem about being honest with friends in RL about my feelings. So much easier in here. I so do not want to sound like I'm moaning I think I put on a 'happy' kind of 'front' which I hide behind. plus with three little ones conversations tend to be hurried and no chance to go bit deeper!

greenbananas Sun 11-Nov-12 20:02:26

Do you have any support from people who know what it is like dealing with twins? I don't have twins myself, so can barely imagine what it is like, but there are twins and triplets in my family, so I am very aware that you are facing different issues to the rest of us.

A friend with twins found TAMBA very useful (Twins and Multiple Births Association). They run some local support groups if you are lucky enough to be near one.

IneedAsockamnesty Sun 11-Nov-12 20:23:59

I was just about to point you in the direction of tamba but its already been done so I will only add that they are helpfull.

BlueberryHill Sun 11-Nov-12 20:26:03

I have DS1 who is 5 yo and DTs who are 2 and a half yo and I know precisely how you feel. I have some friends with 3 children all within 5 / 6 years of each other so they have similar issues but, being really biased I think they have it easier with a larger spread of ages.

The thing that I find difficult is that at the moment I cannot do things like go to the park, farm etc without someone else being there as I would turn into a screaming banshee. I have managed it but its only worked through luck.

We are 'stricter' about some things because we have had the twins, but more relaxed about others, not so much a parenting choice as survival. We're pretty strict on sleeping, eating - if you don't like it, tough there isn't anything else, tantrums are just ignored, one of the other children usually needs something, so that gets my attention instead. Those are pretty good things to be strict about. We are more relaxed about others things, them falling etc, we cannot hover over them all at the same time so they have much more freedom.

I do think that some people don't get it, I'm still smarting a bit from the summer. My PIL offerred to help me out a bit, in the end I didn't get any help because they were looking after my niece, an only child, for 2 days a week. They are elderly and we didn't feel that we could push it. I know, I shouldn't expect the help but they offered and we were effectively shouldered out by my SIL who got in first. On that basis YANBU.

It is starting to get easier and in the next year I will feel more comfortable taking all three out on my own. I can also see the development of relationships between them, plus the arguing, but it looks as though they will have fun together.

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