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In thinking this has to be approached properly

(8 Posts)
bongobaby Sun 11-Nov-12 16:22:23

Few years ago ex was becoming a father again (we had split up) with someonelse we had a dc of 5 yr old at the time. It came totally out of the blue with him saying oh by the way I have a baby on the way, we had just come back from a day trip out.
I spoke with a family member of his and asked if they knew of this as I coudn,t get an answer from ex he clammed up and cut of contact with me. and I was promptly told that it had nothing to do with me and It was not my place to say anything to dc as it was just some casual relationship who he saw every now and again. At this stage it transpired that the lady was six months gone at the time. I wanted to prepare dc for this in good time.
I know that it had nothing to do with me but my concearn was everything to do with dc. I at least thought that this could be explained to dc properly instead of dc just being landed with a new sibling on a contact visit.
So the baby is born and dc see,s child once when a few weeks old because ex took him there on a contact visit without being told that this is dc sibling. I know because dc told me when he came back that daddy took me to see a baby and daddy was kissing the new baby.
Ex is a Dipper dad meaning he dips in and out of dc life when it suits and has been known to be absent from dc life for 18 months at a time.
Now last week ex wants dc to see his sibling after years of not seeing him since he was a baby. Dc said to me I didn,t know I had a brother daddy said I have. What the bloody hell do I do as I knew this would happen but was told to mind my own buisiness. I ahve grave reservasions about this please advice needed.

ihavenofuckingclue Sun 11-Nov-12 16:38:11

I don't get why you have to do anything?

Your dc has been told but in a rubbish way. Its done now.

bongobaby Sun 11-Nov-12 16:42:39

Didnt,t expain that dc has still not been told that this is a sibling. me and ex know this is a sibling but now ex is going to have to tell dc this is a sibling all these years later and all of a sudden. That this is the baby you saw years ago and by the way its your sibling.

Flisspaps Sun 11-Nov-12 16:43:38

Well, it's up to you.

In your shoes I'd think I'd want ExP to either have consistent regular contact with DS rather than picking and choosing. It won't be good for your DS to see his DB and to have a lovely time playing with him and getting all excited only to then have to go months without seeing him again until ExP decides he wants to play happy families again sad

bongobaby Sun 11-Nov-12 16:49:35

Thanks Fliss this is what is bugging me that dc will get hurt along the way and its not good for dc for ex to dip in and out also bringing db into this aswell.dc has also heard ex swearing and shouting on the phone to this lady and I don,t know her or ex situation to let this happen between her and ex infront of dc and db.

Flisspaps Sun 11-Nov-12 16:58:40

Are there legal arrangements made re. access/contact?

If not then I'd consider stopping DS seeing ExP. Waltzing in and out of DS's life as and when he chooses is bad enough, adding a surprise sibling and the possibility of DS being privy to arguments makes it worse.

ihavenofuckingclue Sun 11-Nov-12 17:00:14

Now last week ex wants dc to see his sibling after years of not seeing him since he was a baby. Dc said to me I didn,t know I had a brother daddy said I have.

So why did dc say the above if he hasn't been told.

bongobaby Sun 11-Nov-12 17:07:42

yes legal arrangements in place not that exp takes any notice of this and turns up doesnt turn up as he pleases. my worry is that this will be a repeat pattern with other child as he does to our dc. IHAVENO in my thread I have said that dc has not been told of the sibling only that dc was taken to see a baby by daady. this will mess up dc head in the way it has been handled and is the very thing that im afraid of.

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