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to consider this in our circumstances?

(58 Posts)
MikeOxard Sun 11-Nov-12 15:46:44

I am considering a tummy tuck. DS is 4 months and I got massive with him, I had excess amniotic fluid, plus he was big so I ended up with an emergency c-section when he couldn't come out. I put on 4 stone in the pregnancy which I have now lost and am a size 8 again, but my stomach just looks horrendous. It is really wrinkly and there is so much skin just hanging down. There is no way this amount of skin will shrink back before anyone suggests that might happen, there is just massively too much skin there. This didn't happen with my first dc.

I feel really awful about it. I can't stand dh touching me or even hinting about having sex - it makes me cry every time. We used to be very close and have a great sex life. I know dh is desperate for a physical relationship again (so am I, I just can't!), but I imagine that if we started having sex, he would very quickly lose his erection because he'd be so disgusted with himself for shagging something so gross. sad I can't shake that thought and it makes me cry. I am on anti-depressants which have helped I think - I still think/feel the same but I am more able to put it out of my mind now, so I only cry when the subject comes up, not all the time anymore.

I had a consultation and was advised I am ideal for surgery as I have loads of skin and not much fat. However it would cost £5,000. Dh says he understands and we can do this if I chose to, but it would mean me going back to work earlier. I love my dc and want to spend as much time as possible with them, especially as baby ds is my last baby. Is it mad to leave him a few months earlier than I have to, just for this? I want to see if we can get a mortgage holiday for 6 months, which would allow me to pay for the surgery and stay on mat leave, but dh won't entertain the idea in case one of us loses our job or an emergency happens and we need it but have used it up. So AIBU/WWYD?

Fakebook Sun 11-Nov-12 15:53:54

Not have the tummy tuck and try more counselling to make myself feel better about my body.

I don't like this world we live in, where we think we can make a cosmetic change and we'll automatically start feeling better about ourselves. You're on anti depressants. You should be off them before you go for surgery, because you are still not mentally sound.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos Sun 11-Nov-12 16:02:42

Yabvu to consider this when your baby is only four months old, and any surgeon that tells you you are ideal candidate for surgery when your body is still nearly a year away from recovering after pregnancy is an idiot. Seriously, it was very irresponsible of him to give you this advice and at the very least you need to get another opinion.

Your body will continue to change over the next few months. You need to be finished having babies for at least a year before you even begin to consider this.

CaliforniaLeaving Sun 11-Nov-12 16:04:38

I'd wait a while, a year or so. Save up and pay for it. Four months after delivery everyone I know felt like their body was a complete mess. Hormones can mess with you and how you see yourself, wait till you are much better.
Oh and of course the consultant will say you are ideal for it, he gets paid for doing the surgery. You will still have not much fat a year from now, so long as you don't eat to gain and do some exercising.

MyLastDuchess Sun 11-Nov-12 16:08:21

I agree with outraged.

I am not anti cosmetic surgery, I've had it myself (nose). However, this is too early and you are clearly not back on an even keel emotionally yet either. Please give it until DS is a year old.

ihearsounds Sun 11-Nov-12 16:15:20

Get some councilling and talk to a personal trainer. If the oveerhang is because of loose muscles and weight gain, you should be able to do cardio etc to get it gone. If its all because of the csection then surgery.. However, as other have said it takes about a year for the body to return, so at 4 months your body is still 'healing'.. Use the next 8 months for excercise, healthy eating and councilling, and see how you feel then.

BeauNeidel Sun 11-Nov-12 16:21:03

I also agree with Outraged.

Please wait. It is major surgery, you are only 4 months from a previous major surgery to get your baby out! Would your husband love you if you had cancer and had to have a mastectomy? I'm sure he would. Why would it be any different that you have excess skin due to having a baby?

FWIW, it sounds like your DH is a bit like mine - agrees that he will do anything to make me happy - including paying for surgery - but insisting he loves me the way I am. TBH I think you need to think about counselling as well. You clearly equate happy and thin/perfect body as the same thing.

BeauNeidel Sun 11-Nov-12 16:21:47

I hope that doesn't come across a harsh, I really don't mean it that way x

WMittens Sun 11-Nov-12 16:22:14

I imagine that if we started having sex, he would very quickly lose his erection because he'd be so disgusted with himself for shagging something so gross.

This is your hang up, not his. This sounds to me like self esteem/self-perception issues that you need to address. Cosmetic surgery is not going to get to the root of what is causing you to feel this way.

Personally I'm not a fan of antidepressants either, they just cover the symptoms rather than addressing the cause. I'm with Fakebook, counselling is (to me) the preferable root (and it I believe it should be mandatory before cosmetic surgery).

ImperialStateKnickers Sun 11-Nov-12 16:24:30

I'm afraid I have no faith in cosmetic surgery surgeons, so the comment that 'you're an ideal candidate' is balls. It loosely translates as 'you've got £5,000 and I want it'.

Have you spoken to your own gp about it?

WMittens Sun 11-Nov-12 16:24:41

Meant to ask, I take it this is PPD-related?

MyLastDuchess Sun 11-Nov-12 16:27:33

Let's not get into an antidepressant discussion, depression can be a life-threatening illness and it's really not ok to give an armchair diagnosis of them always being unnecessary.

ihavenofuckingclue Sun 11-Nov-12 16:31:57

I wouldn't. My tummy has been similar to yours since dd (now 8).
The last fed months have seen massive improvment. Down to exercise. It hasn't gone fully back and my personal trainer has said it may not. But it might.

Surgeons shouldn't be encouraging this so close to childbirth imo. It takes a while for your body to recover. 4 months is nothing.

ihavenofuckingclue Sun 11-Nov-12 16:34:43

Oh and I have had surgery (breast reduction and lift) so not against it.

I also agree with your dh about the payment break. They have consequences and this is not an emergency.
Also who will look after the kids for 6 weeks post surgery?

StuntGirl Sun 11-Nov-12 16:35:56

Oh hun. You are obviously really down about this given the quite drastic options you're considering. I agree with pp that you need to wait a while longer before making a decision, you are nowhere near being emotionally stable enough to make this decision right now. And I mean that in a nice way.

Your husband is being wonderfully supportive to consider supporting you through surgery, and brilliantly sensible by saying no to the mortgage holiday. Listen to him!

In the meantime see if you can get some counselling, and give a personal trainer a go if you can afford it.

MikeOxard Sun 11-Nov-12 16:39:00

I have spoken to my GP, she put me on anti-depressants for PND. She has referred me to physio for my tummy muscles (which I have had). She says that clearly the skin can only be dealt with by surgery and obviously that's not something which would normally be available through the NHS but give it some time anyway, it's early days etc. She is very nice, but there is no way this amount of skin will go, no matter how long I leave it. She also suggested counselling, but I just don't get it, how could talking to someone possibly help with this problem? I know it can help some people, for example when they need help to understand their issues, but I know what my problem is, and it's feeling unattractive because of my tummy; there's nothing else to say about it really.

As for not being emotionally ok yet - I agree! But I think I will only feel better again when I'm happy with how I look again (I don't need to be Gisele or anything, but I just can't stand it being this bad).

PropertyNightmare Sun 11-Nov-12 16:39:01

Honestly, don't do it. You need to regain a sense of perspective on this issue. I am really no fan of cosmetic surgery at all. Women have died from infections and complications caused by the procedure you are proposing. You are worth far more than your husband's erection sad. Please get some support for your issues. Your lovely little baby wants a healthy, happy mother. I am pretty confident that this is what your husband wants too.

WelshMaenad Sun 11-Nov-12 16:40:19

Firstly, I think it's way too soon to consider surgery, you are still recovering from your section. You need to wait at least another year.

Secondly, I agree that you need done talking therapy to address your self esteem issues because this goes way beyond a bit of extra skin.

Thirdly, have you spoken to your Gp about this? If this has happened because of the way the section was five you may be able yo gave a correction on the NHS. My friend did, years sfter her last child was born by section and her tummy destroyed. I actually think the level if introspection and examination necessary before the NHS will consent to correct will be healthy for you.

amarylisnightandday Sun 11-Nov-12 16:41:04

Agree with others you need to wait a while.....remember a surgeon is earning a living like anyone else and inclined to encourage you.

I completely empathise as I had a section with dd1 and felt horrendous about my body for a long while after I had her. So much so that my body hatred cast such a shadow on her first year sad

However......when the muscles knitted mostly back together I went he'll for leather with exercise/crunches. Nothing much changed until I got a personal trainer at my gym and THEN then things started to repair on a big way. Getting my flat stomach back was more complicated than just doing crunches - my pt had me doing all sorts of sets with kettle bells and whatnot that I wouldn't have known would yank my abs back in - he was utterly worth the money and the sessions were a lot less than £5k. My only regret is that I didn't hire him sooner.
That, firming cream and spray tans made a world of difference and when I went in holiday in feb this year I felt good in a bikini again - I thought this would never ever happen.

After dd2 I wouldn't rule out surgery if after a year or so I still hate my body so I'm not judging you in the least - just telling you my story grin

WMittens Sun 11-Nov-12 16:41:58

Let's not get into an antidepressant discussion, depression can be a life-threatening illness and it's really not ok to give an armchair diagnosis of them always being unnecessary.

Calm down Internet Arbiter, I made no assertion that they "weren't necessary", just my personal feelings about them. I'm also well aware of the danger of depression, the reasons may be obvious if you reflect on me having an opinion on antidepressants v. counselling.

amarylisnightandday Sun 11-Nov-12 16:43:09

But......and I'm
V pro taking therapy.....counselling would have done bollock nothing when I felt like the op. I felt like I'd been robbed of my identity - when I looked good again I felt like I'd got it back. As I said I think therapy can be great but exercise can also be extremely empowering and well -fix the problem!

ihavenofuckingclue Sun 11-Nov-12 16:43:26

She says that clearly the skin can only be dealt with by surgery and obviously that's not something which would normally be available through the NHS but give it some time anyway, it's early days etc. She is very nice, but there is no way this amount of skin will go

I am sorry but I disagree with this completely. At 4 months there is no way she could know that.

StuntGirl Sun 11-Nov-12 16:43:54

Counselling will help because it will help you deal with your feelings.

You've only just had your little baby. Enjoy your time with him instead of rushing off for more serious surgery.

ihavenofuckingclue Sun 11-Nov-12 16:45:09

My only regret is that I didn't hire him sooner.

Yes. I wish I had of hired mine earlier. Amaxzing the difference. The kettle bells make a big difference.

Ephiny Sun 11-Nov-12 16:46:14

I am not against cosmetic surgery either, but I would advise waiting a little while. For one thing it would be sensible to save up the money rather than take the mortgage holiday or have to go back to work before you're ready. It would also give you a bit more time to heal physically and emotionally before deciding to undergo a fairly major procedure like this.Surely there is no rush?

As for intimacy with your DH, can you work up to it in ways that you feel comfortable with, e.g. lights off, your choice of position, maybe wear a little nightie to cover you up a bit? I'm not saying this because I think he'll find you gross or whatever. Most likely it isn't a problem for him the way you imagine, but it's just a case of whatever makes you feel comfortable and confident giving it a go.

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