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to tell DD she wears the coat she chose or she buys her own?

(207 Posts)
ThatVikRinA22 Sun 11-Nov-12 13:32:54

DD is 15 and in the throes of teenagedom.....she is normally very placid and well behaved, not normally a prima donna.


She chose a coat on ebay, not expensive, only about £20, from China. We duly ordered it, paid for it, and yesterday it arrived. It is identical to the ebay picture. its lovely. She was not restricted to a budget, and she chose this coat out of every other on the internet.

She has seen it, thrown a hissy fit, says she hates it, wont wear it.
DH was the only one in when it arrived as i was at work, and he did not argue with her, but simply told her that if she wanted another one, she would have to pay for it out of her pocket money (she gets £35 per month cash and we pay for her mobile phone on top of that)

Today she has told me she "needs a coat"

WIBU to tell she has a coat, which she chose, and we paid for, and its up to her if she does not wear it and stick to what DH has said and tell her if she wants another she must pay for it herself?

She is upstairs crying at the moment saying its winter and she needs a coat and what is she meant to do in the snow etc etc etc

Now i know the Ebay coat was not expensive, but to send it back to china will cost as much as buying the flaming coat.....

its too small for me or i would keep it and wear it. i like it. sadly a chinese "large" is a size 8 - 10....which i am not!

help me decide MN jury....(i feel a bit of a meanie.)

afussyphase Tue 13-Nov-12 16:21:59

As LRD said above, has someone said something to her about this or similar coats? This happened to me when I was 12 - my mum took me shopping, we got some sandals, and a friend gave them a look and said 'oh... are those your new sandals'? I was never quite able to wear them again! I was pretty insecure, at least about some things. And frankly I still can't choose things well when I'm shopping, I hate it, though thankfully now I'm old enough that people really don't care much about what I'm wearing. I so hated being a teenager - more the fact that the people around me were also teenagers than anything else, in hindsight ... So if she's usually fine and doesn't do this, and since it's a small amount of money really, I'd definitely cave!

Poledra Tue 13-Nov-12 16:08:49

Oh, the poor love! Actually, I think it was good that DH took a hard line with her to start with, when she did fly off the handle. She's seen that stropping is not the way to go about things. Then she's also learned that a calm discussion with all the key stakeholders (grin) can accomplish so much more.

Can I see a namechange coming on, though??

ThatVikRinA22 Tue 13-Nov-12 15:34:30

there is already a link - someone on the first few pages i think.

SugarMouse1 Tue 13-Nov-12 15:31:27

Can you put up the link to the coat so we can see it?

Lougle Mon 12-Nov-12 12:31:56

Well done, Vicar smile

FWIW - Vicar's DD - I don't think you were unreasonable to be disappointed with the coat. Pictures are never the same thing as the real thing.

GnocchiGnocchiWhosThere Mon 12-Nov-12 12:06:01

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LadyBeagle Mon 12-Nov-12 00:18:13

Oh, and Vicar's daughter, I still like the original coat.
And i'm waaaay cool about fashion.grin

ThatVikRinA22 Sun 11-Nov-12 21:36:15

thank you - and i did ask for opinions, and appreciate all those who answered giving theirs.

Snazzyfeelingfestive Sun 11-Nov-12 21:15:14

It's absolutely up to you what you do, you don't have to apologise to anyone here, even if you did ak for opinions. I accept your word about your dd who sounds all-round sensible. I'm glad you have found a solution that works for everybody.

ilovesooty Sun 11-Nov-12 20:38:34

I think I was a bit harsh initially. Glad it's sorted and I hope she isn't still upset.

StuntGirl Sun 11-Nov-12 20:33:12

Sounds like a perfectly fine solution to me Vicar, I'm glad you got it sorted!

giraffesCantLightFireworks Sun 11-Nov-12 20:28:30

I would buy the coat from you for £30 if I was a few stone lighter!

Fluffycloudland77 Sun 11-Nov-12 20:28:04

Ooh shed hate it with me, it's all frugal living and lentils and Aldi.

Much better she has you.

DaPrincessBride Sun 11-Nov-12 20:19:42

Good decision, and the ASOS coat is lovely!

ThatVikRinA22 Sun 11-Nov-12 20:15:43


i doubt she would see that as consolation grin

PickledFanjoCat Sun 11-Nov-12 20:15:19

Glad you have it sorted she sounds a lovely girl..

Fluffycloudland77 Sun 11-Nov-12 20:13:06

Can she take consolation in the fact that she has you for a mum and not one of us?

OhTheConfusion Sun 11-Nov-12 20:00:45

Have just read through the thread and thought I would say what a lucky girl she is to have such a fab mum.

I would suggest you sell the other coat as has been suggested, you add £30 and so does DD (say £15 this month and the same next?)

She sounds like a nice girl and if I remember correctly (it was some time ago) being 15 is not the easiest.

I am a bit like you and don't mind treating the DC's to a nice coat, converse etc as they never ask for much at all. DS got a new north face jacket last month (his old one had lasted him 3 winters), but when I asked if he REALLY WANTED IT as it was expensive her replied that didn't mind as he knew it was a lot.

ThatVikRinA22 Sun 11-Nov-12 20:00:03

we have had a cuddle, and we are fine. its my fault i left the laptop open - normally my MN name is a closely guarded secret!

shes ok. and i did ask for opinions. i appreciate them all i just wish she hadnt seen them.

she focused on the negative ones and not on the ones all in her favour!

MsElleTow Sun 11-Nov-12 19:53:17

I'm glad it's sorted Vicar. Poor DD seeing some of the comments, I hope she is not too upset <hugs to her>.

I would have done what you have done too. My teens are lovely and put up with a lot because of my disability. They are really humble and cause me and DH no trouble, so falling out over a £20 coat just ain't worth it!

Dead69Girl Sun 11-Nov-12 19:52:18

op, i hope she isnt upset still x

VolumeOfACone Sun 11-Nov-12 19:51:34

I definitely think the best solution is to relist it. Take some nice pictures and be honest - say it is unworn but slightly too long for your DD's taste and unfortunately unreturnable. You might get close to the £20 back, it looks like a decent coat.

Everyone should be allowed an occasional diva moment. Even teenagers. Sometimes the world is a frustrating place. Your DD sounds perfectly normal and nice and I wouldn't worry about her going off the rails because you ''cave'' and send the coat back. It appears you have a good relationship, with mutual respect, and buying from China was just a mistake to learn from I reckon. I hope she's not too upset at reading harsh comments on the thread.

ThatVikRinA22 Sun 11-Nov-12 19:43:53

thank you.

and woffling thank you.

we were talking at work last week and many of my shift have teens - i was shock at the xmas lists they were presenting their parents with! one dd of a colleague presented him with a list worth £500 and said if she didnt get everything on it it would spoil her xmas!

well monkey nuts to that i say!

DD is a lovely little person and i cant say otherwise. A mistake of a £20 coat doesnt really change that. she has only us - no grandparents and never has had so has never been spoilt in any way other than perhaps with a lot of love, but we have never been flush with money and she has never over reached in what she asks for.

she doesnt have particularly expensive tastes and doesnt have all the latest gadgets or gizmos, she has quite simple wants. she just wants a coat for winter. not this one mind....grin

ZombiesAreClammyDodgers Sun 11-Nov-12 19:36:53

vicarina your solution seems perfectly sensible and it's your own business anyway so doesn't really matter what anyone else thinks.
My sister had SN and it was sometimes difficult for me growing up so I understand (I think) that she has not always had things perfect.
Please assure her that not everyone thinks she is a brat. I don't think she is a brat at all. I remember having wanted something at about the same age that my parents didn't want to give me (an epilator). I did eventually get it. When it arrived it was horrible because it made things go all pimply. I wasn't a brat for not wanting to use it after that. Of course I couldn't ask for any more birthday presents and had to watch my pocket money for a while and make do.
The online world can be harsh and it takes very little to post a snap judgment on someone else without understanding any or all of the nuances.
Hugs to you and your DD.

ThatVikRinA22 Sun 11-Nov-12 19:33:50

i was totally stupid and i was half way through reading when i started watching something with DH on the tv, forgot i left the window open and she wanted the laptop.

it did upset her briefly but i have explained that no one on here knows her and not to take it to heart - i think she was more upset at me tbh.

but she is a softie. Not really used to anyone being too harsh because she really doesnt need it - she will reason things out with me. I have never had to be very hardline with her. my stupid fault for leaving the laptop open.

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