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For not wanting a 'massage' when I'm in pain?

(12 Posts)
libbyssister Sun 11-Nov-12 08:58:53

Yesterday I woke up to find a muscle in my back had spasmed. It's really painful and makes my torso look wonky. It happened once before and I have a history of back problems/surgery. Last time this happened I was prescribed cocodamol, diazepam & diclofenac. I had some of the tablets left so took them and spent most of yesterday resting.

By the evening I was still very uncomfortable and DH offered me a massage. He then mentioned that he'd made the bedroom nice and was doing his come hither eyes hmm

I told him that I had no sense of humour about this, that I'd spent the whole day in pain and I didn't want to have sex when I could barely move. I don't think he understood just how rubbish I was feeling. He kept saying that maybe a massage might help and I said yes, maybe it would but I couldn't trust him not to want sex as part of the package.

I just felt like he thought I wasn't in as much pain as I was saying or that it didn't matter as much as his desire for a good time.

AIBU or is he?

picnicbasketcase Sun 11-Nov-12 09:01:57

It sounds like he's trying to be helpful and make you feel better, but hoping he gets something out of it too. Maybe he has so much confidence in his massage abilities that he thinks you will be miraculously cured and be so grateful that you jump on him confused

BerthaTheBogBurglar Sun 11-Nov-12 09:06:24

YANBU to not want a massage.

You could also maybe have said "a massage might help as I'm in pain, but I know its not going to help so much that I'm going to want sex. Can you manage to give me a massage without being grumpy about not having sex?"

But I think you're right that he doesn't understand how much pain you're in. You definitely need to complain more!

lovebunny Sun 11-Nov-12 09:58:13

he's insensitive.

another vote for 'complain more'.

slowgin Sun 11-Nov-12 11:34:03

he didn't ask for sex.
I can't bear people getting angry with people because of something they might do.
My dad's a great one for this, "you better not do this..."
dp also does it, rants away about possible things I might do.

ashesgirl Sun 11-Nov-12 11:36:19

People don't always need to come straight out and say it. I'm sure the OP knows what her husband was getting at.

Did he just keep going on about it or did he back down when you said no.

Idocrazythings Sun 11-Nov-12 11:58:01

My husband does that. It's very annoying, so now I say, yes I'd love a massage but it has to be a "no strings attached" massage.

Yes it's very sad to have to spell it out to them, but for some of us, that's what it's like.

libbyssister Sun 11-Nov-12 13:17:26

That's exactly the phrase I used Ido.

It was very plain what he thought was going to happen, he'd had a shower, there was low lighting etc. I did appreciate the effort but not the timing...

He backed down straightaway (but I did give him an earful) but then I have to deal with the 'oh just forget it'-type brush off...


Jsa1980 Sun 11-Nov-12 13:39:53

I'd probably not go for it. If he doesn't know what he's doing it do more harm then good.

valiumredhead Sun 11-Nov-12 13:56:59

Have you third alternate heat and ice packs -works well?

BertieBotts Sun 11-Nov-12 14:09:15

Context is important. If I was in pain and DP offered me a massage I'd know he just meant a massage - clearly there is history here of him doing nice things for you, not because it's a nice thing to do, but with an ulterior motive and/or history of sulking if you don't have sex.

It's pretty shitty - blokes who act like they're entitled to sex are the biggest turn-off going, IMO. He needs to change his attitude or you're going to end up resentful and your libido will disappear entirely, which isn't much fun for either of you.

Idocrazythings Sun 11-Nov-12 22:15:33

Get a "foam roller" OP they are really good for DIY massages and don't expect anything in return- there's a really good app too which shows you how to target your painful muscle. Hope you feel better soon smile

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