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To tell my dad its like hes stealing from me!

(125 Posts)
MagicLlama Sat 10-Nov-12 18:51:02

So basically dad lives with me in my house. He contributes to the mortgage and household bills (just in case thats relevant)

I have a savings account. In it goes the hit and miss CSA money I receive from DS2s dad. The idea with this account is that because its not guaranteed every month, I am trying not to depend on it for day to day expenses, and instead amd trying to save it up it to fund repairs that need doing around the house which is falling down around my ears. I was planning to save it up until Feb, which would then give me enough money to fix the hole in the roof. My dad knows this.

The card is kept in the safe upstairs because again if Ive easy access to it Im more likely to spend it.

3 weeks ago, dad was paid £300 via a cheque and asked me to change it for him. I was at work so told him to just grab the card, bank the chq withdraw the cash from the cashpoint, and put the card back.

Last Friday I noticed on online banking that the account was £300 less than I thought it should be. At first I though that the cheque banked for dad had bounced, but upon checking £300 cash had been withdrawn. Turns out dad had withdrawn the money to pay his blokes because hed got cashflow problems. He also reckoned that because theyd been doing stuff up here he was OK to take the money out. I was pissed off because hed done it without asking, but conceeded that as they had been working up on the stable yard I would cover the wages. I told him not to take money out of the account without speaking to me first because it wasnt OK.

So tonight I have again logged on to internet banking and discovered that yet again he has taken £230 out of the account in the last 3 days. Ive just yelled at him over the phone hes out and asked him what hes doing. His answer is that hed got no money in his account so he borrowed it, and was going to put it back when he collected some money from a job hes finished. It his head this makes it OK.

Dad is quite emotionally manipultive (I think unintentionally) and ive always been his support, and i struggle to stand up / go against him. Unfortunately my counselling has helped me see this but not yet got me into a position when Im able to do something about it.

Hes carrying the card around in his wallet, and I am fuming, absolutely fuming, I feel like hes stealing from me. I would never dream of just going into his wallet and helping myself to his money not matter how desperate I was without mentioning it first. I dont know how to explain to him that whats hes doing is just shit and wrong and to get him to listen and understand.

Even more annoying is mum told me this would happen, so I cant ask her for advice because shell just be pissed off with my dads shitness with money.

So WIBU to tell use the phrase stealing when I try and speak to him rationally later? If so, can anyone think of a better phrase I can use?

midseasonsale Sat 10-Nov-12 19:32:44

Or cancel the card. It is theft.

Doingakatereddy Sat 10-Nov-12 19:33:51

It's your call but obviously if your happy with DC going without £530 of support, roof not been mended then dont bother cancelling card.

You were warned, sort this out now

EuroShagmore Sat 10-Nov-12 19:35:46

You feel it's like stealing because it is stealing, pure and simple!

Cancel the card and get a new one sent. Don't tell him so he faces the embarrassment of having the card refused.

ImperialBlether Sat 10-Nov-12 19:36:24

Cancel the card.

Tell your mother.

Change the lock on the safe.

Make arrangements to live separately from your father. You could have a flatmate instead if you need the help for your mortgage.

B1ueberryMuffin Sat 10-Nov-12 19:39:00

I agree! He must think he owns you, and owns your money! he has no right.

WildWorld2004 Sat 10-Nov-12 20:03:25

Agree with everyone else. Cancel the card & kick him out as well. You dont steal from anyone especially not family.

whatsforyou Sat 10-Nov-12 20:14:21

I agree,it's not like stealing. It is stealing. I would also question that your dad is unintentionally manipulative. From what you have said I think he is very aware and I think that if you don't be very blunt about the fact this isn't acceptable then it will get worse. He will probably get very upset when you confront him. He's lost a good source of income after all!

whatsforyou Sat 10-Nov-12 20:17:45

I'm not sure I would tell my mum though. Having someone say I told you so and then banking it for ammo against him later isn't nice. I'm assuming your mum and dad are split up and am basing this on what my mum would do

ENormaSnob Sat 10-Nov-12 20:19:51

He is a lying thief.

Cancel the card.

Get the thieving cunt out of your home.

KeemaNaanAndCurryOn Sat 10-Nov-12 20:20:22

Like everyone has said - call up now and cancel the card. He'll keep on using it until you do.

Teabagtights Sat 10-Nov-12 20:27:18

Funking hell he is using it to cover his cash flow problems. It is theft. Cancel the card now FFs. He is taking the piss big time.

manticlimactic Sat 10-Nov-12 20:31:01

OP Did he bank the cheque? That's unclear.

I echo what everyone else said. I'd be fuming.

solittletimeandsomuchtodo Sat 10-Nov-12 20:37:24

It's sad when this is your parent. sad
I know from my own experience.
Cancel card.
Work out a payment plan and make sure he sticks to it. Don't wait for full amount it won't happen.

MagicLlama Sat 10-Nov-12 20:38:05

Hi everyone,

Sorry I disappeared .. phone call!

You are all right! It just seems so well harsh to tell him hes stealing off me IYSWIM? Years of living with him tells me he has the best of intentions with returning cash, it just never pans out because hes always in a mess and always juggling to make ends meet.

Yes to answer the questions, he lives with me following health problems. My parents have been seperated for ages. They manage to get on 99% of the time, but there a couple of flashpoints for my mum money being one

I keep trying to work out if I should ask him to leave, but I know he wont take it well, and tbh since the DSs dad walked away from them, hes the only real male figure in their lives and oh I dont know, I just feel stuck.

Ive always been the one to take his side, and the one to support him, and any conversation with him about anything, always ends up making me feel bad.

I think ill just cancel the card, I just need to stop it happening again - best way would be to give mum the card, as he wont dare ask her for any more money but then ill get the aggro off her!

cumfy Sat 10-Nov-12 20:42:46

Cancel the card.

What happened to the "cheque" ?

MagicLlama Sat 10-Nov-12 20:42:59

Sorry, yes he banked part of the amount for the original cash and part of it bounced. He was supposed to replace it, which to date he hasnt. Hes getting paid apparently on Monday from a large job and hes not paid me because he needs to fund the materials else he wont get paid, and then not only will he not be able to pay me, but not pay anything else either.

But then hes always like that, and Im quite sure on Monday that hell not be able to pay all of it because hell need some money to fund the next job and itll just go on.

MagicLlama Sat 10-Nov-12 20:44:55

And it ends up just not happening, and I dont have the energy to chase him about any of it anymore, and I just end up writing it off. Ive tried and tried to talk to him, but it just ends up as an arguement and then I feel guilty.

He keeps just laughing about us being like that family in "Bread" where all the money is pooled together, but I want some independance and I dont know how to make him understand. Im 30, not 13!

ChippingInLovesAutumn Sat 10-Nov-12 20:50:45

Have you cancelled the card yet?

Can you change the code on the safe?

How is he with mortgage/bills - does he pay his share on time or mess you about?

Work out exactly what he owes you, work out what you think he can repay weekly and tell him if it's not repaid in that time he will have to move out because you cannot fund him.

Sorry he's been such a twat, but sometimes we have to forgive the ones we love - simply because we love them... we just have to reduce the damage they can do (ie not give them bank cards in your case!!).

IvanaHumpalotCountDracula Sat 10-Nov-12 20:54:00

So he steals from his grand kids - nice!

Bogeyface Sat 10-Nov-12 20:57:36

You need to make it clear that he isnt stealing from you, but from your children, that might make all the difference in how he sees it.

Cancel the care NOW. As he knows that you are onto him, he may well take some more before you take the card off him.

As for asking him to leave, well thats up to you, but you are in an abusive relationship here. What would you say to someone who's husband was treating them like this?

Domestic abuse is abuse by one family member against another, it doesnt have to be husband to wife/wife to husband to count.

Softlysoftly Sat 10-Nov-12 21:00:38

Your last post makes it sound like this isn't the first time?

I change my post then - give him notice now. Don't give the card to your mum if you can't say no yourself them he is a bloody manipulator and you need rid.

whatsforyou Sat 10-Nov-12 21:06:30

I don't think it sounds like you want a major fall out with your dad OP and from my own experience I do understand this.
I do think though that if you are going to have a reasonably healthy relationship with him you are going to have to be honest with him that his behaviour is unacceptable.
Do you have to involve your mum? If you get a new card and pin then he can't use it. Again, from my own experience, if you and your dad can sort this out without involving her it might make it easier for you.

Bogeyface Sat 10-Nov-12 21:08:29

I agree that you shouldnt involve your mum, they are seperated so while she is your mum she isnt his wife (well ok, legally she is but emotionally she isnt). So she has no need to be involved in this.

Get a new card, or if you dont want to do that, take the card straight back and change the pin, that way he cant use it.

picnicbasketcase Sat 10-Nov-12 21:10:53

Cancel it as soon as you possibly can. Do not let him near your account in future.

MagicLlama Sat 10-Nov-12 21:14:04

whatsfor I suppose the real difficulty is my inability to learn from his past behaviour.

I know that he doesnt get why I dont like it.

I know that if I use the word stealing he will be aghast as I am sure he doesnt see it like that because his intention to return is there.

I know that any conversation with him will result in it being turned around into how much he does to help me, and how he doesnt have money to spend on himself because of everything

I know that if I point out that neither of us have any spare cash beyond this CSA which ive only been saving for the last 3 months because he persuaded me to let my brother secure money on the house that brother defaulted on then itll just spiral from there.

I know he will say he wont do it again, and I know he will and I know when he asks me and tells me he cant get around because he has no fuel, or he cant afford to eat, or he cant pay the blokes and then hell lose them because theyll go elsewhere and then hell have even less money and so on and so on and so on that ill give in.

The problem is me and my inability to deal with him. I know this. Im just too weak to do anything about it.

I dont even know why im on here asking really. Ive just had a shit day and to come in and see that im £300 down which I didnt know about just finished me off.

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