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to never ever speak to MIL again?

(29 Posts)
MrsHuxtable Sat 10-Nov-12 15:35:40

We never had a great start MIL and I, I'm her anti-christ. She's an alcoholic who will get very aggressive and hurtful when drunk, which is why I don't spend Christmas with her anymore.

She has called me a Nazi for being German in the past, told my DH I didn't love him, would never marry him and has said loads of other things. DH had broken off all contact wth her but started taking to her again when I got pregnant as he wanted DD to have a relationship with her grandmother. Then DD arrived and I was called dubious for wanting an Antilop highchair.

DD is now 9 months and wonderful. She has, however, developed some weird sickness episodes in the last few weeks that the doctors are baffled about (she's been to hospital 3 times) and their best guess at the moment is that it's a very ealy onset of abdominal migranes.

I found out today that MIL has told DH, DD's sickness was my fault because I'm an idiot who gives her baby avocado as one off her first foods (she also good sweet potato and broccoli).

I feel incredibly upset about this. I have been racking my brain if I did anything at all to make DD sick but there's nothing. She's now called me an idiot as well.

WIBU to never speak to her again? I already got a toxic mother myself, I really don't need this as well...

JurassicFart Sat 10-Nov-12 15:39:56

I wouldn't be contacting her again - this kind of thing can only get worse when your DD gets older and can understand her.

I hope your DD gets better soon, must be awful not knowing what's wrong exactly.

TicketToHull Sat 10-Nov-12 15:40:21

YWNBU! Wouldn't want someone who held me in such high esteem hmm having a relationship with my DC. She sounds, dare I say it, toxic.

SoleSource Sat 10-Nov-12 15:41:03


Cut her out. Life too short. Just get DH to take DD to her house if that is what will happen. This will escalate otherwise.

Of course it is not your fault, the silly cow she is.

lovebunny Sat 10-Nov-12 15:44:13

if you're going to stay in touch with this woman you'll need to develop selective hearing, a leather hide and a steel core. she's mean!

you must be so worried about your baby. whatever the cause of her illness, you haven't intended her anything but love and care. i don't know anything about it but babies sometimes get bugs. and they get stressed when you are stressed. that doesn't make it your fault!

i don't know if you should stay in touch with mil or not. certainly have a break for now.

i hope your dd is soon fully recovered.

Princessishavingababyboo Sat 10-Nov-12 15:44:14

You do not want that sort of influence in your dd's life, well done your DH for making the effort to try again with her, but she has clearly not changed her ways. I would not be making any further contact with this woman.

PamelaSwynfordDeBeaufort Sat 10-Nov-12 15:48:25

And what did your dh say?

elfycat Sat 10-Nov-12 15:57:33

You were happy without her in your life once and you will be again. You gave her a chance to be a part of your family and she's sounds dreadful. It's a pity she doesn't seem to be able to learn tact, or manners, or support etc.

Your DD doesn't need a toxic grandmother. No child needs to see their mother regularly insulted and questioned.

BTW my DDs (x2) loved avocado and ate it regularly from 5 months on. Whatever the sickness is it's not going to be the food types you mentioned unless your DD has a rare individual reaction to them.

MrsHuxtable Sat 10-Nov-12 15:59:15

He told her that she wasn't coming to visit us again with an attitude like that. This all happened a week ago already but he kept it from me as he didn't want me to be angry and upset. It only came out today because I picked up his phone and he was really weird, saying it was none of my business which of course lead to a huge row and him admitting that he was worried of me finding texts from his mum. That he has been really upset all week about what she has said etc.

Pancakeflipper Sat 10-Nov-12 16:06:28

Seems like your DH has made a decision ( a tough one too). You have tried and MIL is still being a bitch. So don't feel guilt.

I would keep a food dairy for your DD. Not cos I think you are doing anything wrong but because I am wondering if it's an intolerance to something. But my radar starts spinning and bleeping at repeated episodes of sickness as my DS2 was ill every 14 days (and would be very ill for 10 days - fine for 4 days then ill again) 6 months before the GP's conceded that it wasn't viral - DS2 is dairy intolerant.

PamelaSwynfordDeBeaufort Sat 10-Nov-12 16:07:06

That's good to hear, that is supporting you.

Yanbu to never talk to her again. She will be a toxic influence on your child.

Kalisi Sat 10-Nov-12 16:15:24

Avacados are poisonous??!

TulisaLover Sat 10-Nov-12 16:24:25

Ich weiss nicht, aber konnen sie nicht ihr sprechen? I would say to her that if she wants to see her GCs, she needs to wise up - but it's a tough one.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos Sat 10-Nov-12 16:27:29

YANBU to never speak to her again, but try not to have battles with your DH over it.

He stood up to her in a way that many many men wouldn't, as evidenced by threads all over this website. It will be very hard for your DH to be in the middle of this, and it sounds like he is doing his best.

Anniegetyourgun Sat 10-Nov-12 16:34:53

Avocados are poisonous to parrots, apparently. Am assuming, however, the DD in this case is a human being. Unlike the MIL.

And well done that DH.

forgetmenots Sat 10-Nov-12 16:36:52

Agree with outraged. YANBU at all but understand how supportive your DH is already being and how hard that must be. Good luck OP

Pochemuchka Sat 10-Nov-12 16:42:42

YANBU at all.

My mil is just as toxic (she told me i was out of order for prosecuting a partner for DV, including strangling me to the point of nearly blacking out because 'she never called the police on her husband even though he beat her to a pulp lots of times in front of her DC' hmm )

She is ok with the DC as long as I'm not there.
I let her see them under close scrutiny of DP once a month for a couple of hours.
If I get even a whiff of her being toxic/abusive/saying anything about me she will be cut off immediately. (Hope that day comes soon because she's an evil bitch)

MrsHuxtable Sat 10-Nov-12 16:43:47

Pancake, in case you come back to read this. So far I haven't been able to pin down any food she exclusively had on all 4 occasions ( she did have some sort of rice all times but then she's been having rice plenty of other times and been fine.)

The sickness comes on really suddenly. She's fine all day, then just as she drops off to sleep, she starts vomiting violently and can't stop for anything between 1.5 and 3 hours. She goes pale, floppy, has a sweaty forhead. She vomits about every 10 minutes and if her stomach has got rid of all food, the yellow liquid comes up. After a maximum of 3 hours she's fine, bouncing up and down in her bed, blowing raspberries. We then think that's it and then 5-7 days later, the same happens...
Maybe I should post on here in Children's health to see if someone on here has come across this.

MrsHuxtable Sat 10-Nov-12 16:46:40

I'm glad you all think I'm not over-reacting. DH has been telling me more about the messages and it's just ridiculous.

Apparently she thought we were intelligent people, so should wise up and do our research into infant nutrition.

ShipwreckedAndComatose Sat 10-Nov-12 16:51:09

You are not over reacting!

She's a poisonous old bag!!

Isandri Sat 10-Nov-12 16:59:56

OP that's sound a lot like my abdominal migraines from when I was a child. In the plus side if it is migraines if you get them from a very young age they become a lot milder with puberty.

Seabird72 Sat 10-Nov-12 17:02:53

Think it's lovely that your DH is being very supportive though - my MIL is always having a go at me at my DH either pretends it's gone over his head or really does miss it and when it's completely in your face he just goes quiet and hopes it'll die down - but I'm the one who has to forget about it not his mum - the fact your DH is trying to protect you and is prepared to cut contact shows he is a good husband and father. She'll only continue to give you problems unfortunately so if you can cut her out probably best to. Is it maybe milk? Our DD1 had a short reaction to cow's milk so we had to switch to soya but it only lasted a few weeks and then she was fine again. Yes you must post on the childrens' health bit for advice. Must get to the bottom of it.

DuchessofMalfi Sat 10-Nov-12 17:04:33

Is your DD going to be referred to a paediatrician at your local hospital for further tests? It might be worth asking your GP for a referral, and also a referral to a dietitian to see if you can find out what it is that's causing your DD's problems.

I'd completely agree with everyone else that you ought to distance yourself from your MIL. My dad's an alcoholic and he can be particularly nasty and vindictive when drunk - it's the way they are and I don't think they have any control over it, just a symptom of their illness. It isn't pleasant for you or anyone else who is in the firing line.

MrsHuxtable Sat 10-Nov-12 17:06:28

She's not even had cows milk yet, not even a yoghurt. Just breastmilk and apparently "unsuitable" too healthy for MIL's liking solids.

MrsHuxtable Sat 10-Nov-12 17:10:13

DD is already under a pediatrician at the hospital but the next meeting won't be til mid December. From what we have heard the next step would be a head CT to rule out serious neurological stuff. I believe the CT would require general anesthia and quite a lot of radiation for a baby which makes me really scared.

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