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AIBU to think my friend is taking the piss ?

(68 Posts)
mylifesucks Sat 10-Nov-12 14:21:36

Long time lurker, first time poster.

I have a friend who I've known for ten years, and I'm starting to reach my limit with her. She is a LP like me, but she lives with her parents who are quite well off and she doesn't pay rent or bills (I know because she brags about this.)

Nearly every weekend she announces that she is coming to stay with me overnight, she never asks me if this is convenient, she just turns up with her 2 yr old DD in tow. They take my double bed and I end up sleeping on the sofa which isn't very uncomfortable! Her DD helps herself to all the food in my fridge and my friend just lets this happen, and after they've gone my house looks like a total tip thanks to her DD but my friend never offers to help. She even says "Oh it'll only take you 5 minutes to clear up" as she leaves!

Usually at some point she will announce she's popping out to see her boyfriend who lives near me, and she just leaves her DD with me without checking if I'm okay with this. She'll be gone for at least 2 hours. She will come back with some food or treats for her DD and nothing for my DD (4) despite having helped herself to our food. On one occasion her DD had finished all the yoghurts in my fridge and so I asked her to pick my up some more whilst she was out. She came back with a pack of 6 fromage frais, broke 3 off for me and told her I owed her 25 pence. On another occasion I asked her not to buy treats for her DD to eat in front of my DD, and rather than say she'd pick something up for her aswell she said she'd leave then so her DD could eat it in the car!

There are so many instances of this thoughtless behaviour but what happened last night has really wound me up. She turned up again last night this time without DD and things were going a bit better. But then she said "It's my birthday next week. You can get me a bottle of vodka and a bottle of shots. It'll only cost you 15 or 20 quid." I told her I was going to be doing my Christmas shopping for DD on Monday, and she said "Well can't you just do that in a couple of weeks?"

I'm so upset that she doesn't seem to have any concept of how selfish she is, or how much of a struggle it is for me trying to juggle bills and assumes that as a grown woman her birthday should take priority over my DD's christmas. On the other hand, I've known her such a long time and I don't have many close friends, so not sure I'm ready to cut her off. I know I need to grow some balls though cos it's making me dread the weekends! Any suggestions?

MrsWolowitz Sat 10-Nov-12 14:25:21

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

quoteunquote Sat 10-Nov-12 14:25:53

When she asks to come over, just say "No, that won't work for me',

and when she suggests an alternative repeat the above, if she asks why, "Because I end up out of pocket and that is not fair on my child"

find someone kinder to spend time with.

Purple2012 Sat 10-Nov-12 14:26:41

Dump her. She's toxic and you don't need someone like that in your life.

bitsofmeworkjustfine Sat 10-Nov-12 14:26:55

be out ... permanently

Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme Sat 10-Nov-12 14:28:28

Just stop being so available. When she knocks on the door keep quiet and pretend you're out. Or just go out to the park or something, anything, so you're not in. When she texts don't answer. Eventually she'll take the hint and find someone else to abuse annoy. If she asks you what's going on you'll have to confess that you're tired of supporting her, you can't do it anymore and she'll just have to find someone else to sponge off.

Just because you've known her a long time doesn't mean you have to continue the friendship. People do outgrow each other. Don't feel guilty. She's just got used to you being there. Like you say, she's sefish. If she actually gave a shit about you she'd have shown it by now. Don't feel sorry for her. Be glad that you're free. You'll make new friends, honestly you will.

Oh and remove the word 'doormat' from your forehead so that it doesn't happen again at some point. Clearly you're too nice to people and unfortunately some will take advantage.

Kaliani Sat 10-Nov-12 14:29:24

I think you're just going to have to rely on the old mumsnet standby. 'Sorry, that isn't convenient.' and keep repeating it ad infinitum, till she gets the message.

If you do allow her to come, tell her she needs to bring a bed for her daughter, because you are not giving yours up anymore. And that she needs to bring food because you just can't afford to feed 2 extra mouths!

As for her birthday, I would suggest that due to limited funds, you stop buying for adults, and just buy for kids. Cheeky mare dictating how much you spend on her present at the detriment of your DD's Christmas!

mylifesucks Sat 10-Nov-12 14:30:03

Thank you for your replies! Yes I know I need to assert myself more, but I don't have a lot of confidence. It's good to hear that others agree that her behaviour is not right!

HecatePropylaea Sat 10-Nov-12 14:31:30

Well, when she announces she's coming over - say no.

If she comes - don't give up your bed.

If her daughter goes in the fridge - tell her to put it back.

Your friend is taking the piss, this is true - but you have to take responsibility for your part in it - you're bending over and taking it up the arse.

It falls to you to say no to pisstakers. They'll just keep doing it for as long as it is allowed. I know it's hard, but it has to be you to say enough.

fallingsun Sat 10-Nov-12 14:31:53

Im so sorry she's been so awful. You must rid her from your life - she is completely using you. Tell her you have weekend plans for the next few weeks and she can't stay. If she turns up unannounced don't let her in, say you're busy/have a distant relative coming to stay/have a contagious stomach bug etc.

Can you go to clubs/playgroups/classes with your dd to make new friends?

flyoverthegoldenhill Sat 10-Nov-12 14:31:54

I was friends with someone for most of my life. I didn't approve of her sleeping with a married man, so she dumped me hmm I realised I'm so much better off without her in my life smile Dump her, and find some new friends

fuzzpig Sat 10-Nov-12 14:32:08

Why the actual fuck is she your friend? Cheeky mare angry

Yes, in the nicest possible way you need to grow some balls - don't put up with this. You say you don't have many good friends, is your self esteem very low? You deserve better than this, you know sad

Iamsparklyknickers Sat 10-Nov-12 14:32:39

So this friend of yours, exactly what does she bring to the friendship? Is she particularly emotionally supportive? Does she offer up help with childcare? Is she so loving and funny that you can't imagine life without her?

Frankly if there's nothing about her that puts annoyances in perspective then she's not a friend she's someone you know who adds to life's stresses. You can find company and a laugh on mn while your looking for new friends, it'd be cheaper.

LynetteScavo Sat 10-Nov-12 14:33:04

Wow, she is taking the piss!

Sorry, useless post.

GrimAndHumourless Sat 10-Nov-12 14:33:06

just say ''no, we have plans tonight''*, if she turns up tonight, or any night - even if you don't

this sounds hard to do if you have been used to being, well, used and put-upon, and non-assertive, and it can feel odd and quite uncomfortable the first time you stand up for yourself

feel free to shut the door in her face, after stating your position, don't let her in at ALL

*or ''it's not convenient, I will text you in the week to make arrangements'', and remember that ''no'' is a complete sentence too.

she might well be grumpy or 'off' with you - that's fine, turn off your phone and relish your weekend

Inertia Sat 10-Nov-12 14:33:47

She is no friend. She is treating you as a dumping ground / feeding station / personal slave for her and her daughter.

Say no. Don't let her in. Be out. You'll need to keep it up for a few weeks. Please don't tell us she has keys ...

HecatePropylaea Sat 10-Nov-12 14:34:28

xpost. You'll find that if you find the strength to say no more, that in itself will make you feel more confident, because you'll have stood up for yourself and you'll feel proud of yourself.

and you'll see that the world doesn't in fact end if someone isn't happy with you.

I've been a people pleaser. Been a wuss. It got me walked over so much that I may as well have had Welcome tattooed on my forehead.

You know where it gets you?

No bloody where.

Because they don't like you. They don't respect you. And as soon as you do stand up for yourself, they melt away and find some other sap. So they weren't even your friend in the first place.

and you realise you went through all that for someone who wasn't even a bloody friend!

scentednappyhag Sat 10-Nov-12 14:34:32

Wow. She sounds delightful hmm
I'll be your friend OP, you can just buy me a bottle of lambrini wink seriously though, she's a knob, you'll be much better off dropping back a bit from the friendship.

mylifesucks Sat 10-Nov-12 14:38:42

No she hasn't got keys! Yes my self esteem not great, my marriage broke up just over a year ago and I'm still quite raw. She has been there for me emotionally in the past but these days it's all about her. I have met a new friend recently through DDs school and she seems the opposite of my friend, so I guess its made me open my eyes a bit!

TheCrackFox Sat 10-Nov-12 14:39:46

Tell her to fuck off.

If she does stay over do not give up your bed, put a lock on the fridge, and state very firmly that "my house, my rules".

Don't get her a birthday present as you " are only buying children presents this year."

Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme Sat 10-Nov-12 14:50:20

Ooh ooh, can you not get your new friend to pop over for coffee at the weekend? So that if cowbag old friend pops in, you're already busy with a much nicer friend?

maddening Sat 10-Nov-12 14:54:04

See it's hard to meet new friends when you're spending every weekend being this woman's doormat - imagine all the extra time and money you'll have to go out with your dd and find new interests and meet new folk.

maddening Sat 10-Nov-12 14:56:22

Ps I would just end it full stop - either by phone or text /email.

Just say sorry you feel unable to maintain contact because xyz.

ilovetermtime Sat 10-Nov-12 15:00:08

She is taking the piss and doesn't sound like a friend to me. You know what you need to do smile

MrsCantSayAnything Sat 10-Nov-12 16:10:59

God she sounds DREADFUL. My friend comes to mine with her DS all the time...I always give him snacks and meals as well as my mate... and she always brings snacks and sometimes flowers...or a treat for my DC.

Not that I EXPECT this...she just does it because she's here all the time and she's generous.

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