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To tell DP that he gets a weekend lie in when he starts doing night time "duty" with DD

(61 Posts)
RainbowsFriend Sat 10-Nov-12 08:45:15

... or when she starts letting me have at least 6 hours sleep in a row.

He says it's unfair as it's not his choice he doesn't deal with her wake ups but hers - she just screams if he goes to her at night despite being perfectly acceptable during the day.

So DD is 16 months and doesn't sleep. NEVER has. Used to be no more than 2 hours in a row, sometimes now I might get 3 or if I'm lucky 4. (Not interested in advice on controlled crying etc thanks as it just doesn't work on DD)

I cosleep and generally just shove a boob in and she goes back to sleep very very quickly - but I'm still tired and one weekend day I ask DP to get up with her when she wakes properly at 7.30 so I can have a lie in until about 8.30.... The other weekend day he tends to be up early for sailing.

He works full time but has practically zero commute, and I work 4 days a week, with a small commute - but only until 2.30 on 3 of the days.

RainbowsFriend Sat 10-Nov-12 22:16:05

Rootatoot That's really unfair. Although when I was on maternity leave I sort of didn't feel "entitled" to insist on my lie ins as I could nap when she did - is that your problem?

TheSkiingGardener - Good idea! smile

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Sat 10-Nov-12 22:13:31

Agree with everyone else - we each get one morning, can use it resting, reading, exercising or whatever but he is being unfair trying to get leisure time and a lie-in!

TheSkiingGardener Sat 10-Nov-12 22:01:25

Phrase it another way to him. Tell him you are quite happy to look after DD for half the weekend mornings, as long as he does the other half. Then ask him why he wants you to do 75% of the weekend mornings to his 25%?

Rootatoot Sat 10-Nov-12 21:25:46

Yanbu op. Stick to your guns & wish i had the energy to do same. Iabu for reading threads like this as I think I'm hoping to find I'm not the only one but actually I just end up feeling like a mug.

Ds also 16 months. Also never slept ever. Has done 6 hour stretch once. I also bf & co sleep at some point in the night. Dh also sleeps on spare room. However, I don't get lie in..ever. dh thinks cos he works & I am currently sahm, he is entitled to lies in & naps & I'm not. ds wakes at 6 most days. Sometimes earlier.

Yes, push for longer lie in & don't give in. Don't be a mug like me just cos you're too tired to suffer a row!

chirpchirp Sat 10-Nov-12 21:01:35

YANBU to want one lie in a week.

I get up on a Saturday with DS, DH gets up on a Sunday. Sometimes I'll use my free Sunday morning to have a lie in, sometimes I'll use it to get up and go out and take part in a hobby but ultimately it's free time to use as we see fit. I couldn't operate without it!

LadyWidmerpool Sat 10-Nov-12 20:36:39

I'm in a similar position except my husband looked after our baby all morning while I slept and was glad to do it. Tomorrow I will let him sleep in. It works very nicely and we both get one on one time with our girl. I don't think it's about the night waking, I think it's about each getting some time to yourself and if he gets time to do his activity you should get time to spend as you choose.

Agree with others that your DH is 'spending' his lie-in on sailing, his choice but he can't really then complain about it.

Just wanted to send some words of hope- DS was just like this for ever his first two years but is getting better; he has even slept through till 7am once or twice grinhmm

I've got the book 'no-cry sleep solution' which seems quite good (I'm never going to be doing controlled crying either) but DS started sleeping reasonably well on his own before I really put it into action. Might be worth a look though.

Zimbah Sat 10-Nov-12 19:45:04

Your DH seems to think that his sailing morning is an essential, much like going to work, so shouldn't count as "his" time. Odd. At the moment you each have a weekend morning which seems totally reasonable, if he chooses to use his morning to sail then that's up to him but he can't then insist on having Saturday mornings too!

The night waking isn't particularly relevant, if you're both happy then it's not a problem is it. Even if all three of your slept for 11 hours straight each night it still wouldn't be fair for your DH to have two mornings to himself.

midseasonsale Sat 10-Nov-12 19:42:28

Thats rubbish socharlotte, I co-slept and always woke when B-Fing. My sleep was interrupted lots and could never be compared to quality lone sleeping.

I think you deserve all the lie ins at this stage. If he wants more sleep he needs to go to bed earlier.

CouthyMowEatingBraiiiiinz Sat 10-Nov-12 19:39:49

Two weekend days. You each get one. You have Saturday morning, you choose to sleep. He has Sunday morning, he chooses to sail.

He has a blunt choice. Sleep or sail.

What HE chooses to do with his weekend morning should NOT impact on what YOU choose to do on YOUR weekend morning.

RainbowsFriend Sat 10-Nov-12 19:26:24

Thankyou MavisG smile

MavisG Sat 10-Nov-12 19:11:11

Agree he's using his lie in to sail. His choice. She'll grow out of the bfing on her own, it'll reduce, eventually stop. You're not making a rod for your own back, you're meeting your child's needs, good for you.

AThingInYourLife Sat 10-Nov-12 18:55:31

They can only have a lie in each at the weekend if he stops sailing.

At the moment there's only one lie in available because he absents himself on the other weekend morning.

He has a bit of a cheek demanding 3 out of every 4 weekend mornings be devoted to him.

Tell him you'll alternate lie ins when he alternates weekend mornings (until lunchtime) out of the house.

The co-sleeping thing is a red herring.

Right now you each get a weekend morning.

Why on earth does he think he deserves more free time than you?

RainbowsFriend Sat 10-Nov-12 18:54:14

"&" = 7

RainbowsFriend Sat 10-Nov-12 18:54:02

I think I have made it clear that I am not prepared to put my DD through CC - she did not give up after a few hours like other I had heard, but SOLIDLY CRIED FOR & HOURS when we just decided it was morning and we all got up. It left her traumatised and really hesitant and subdued around us and is not an option.

But I have told DP that when she starts sleeping more, as I am sure she will do on her own accord OR she starts accepting him at night (we keep trying it) then I will let him have the lie in. I don't think I need as much sleep as him so am prepared to do that even if I am still doing the majority of wakenings...

I'll look into that Dr Jay Gordon suggestion - thank you smile

TidyDancer Sat 10-Nov-12 18:38:40

I don't think this is a situation that will resolve itself until your DD's sleeping/comfort is different.

You deserve a lie in each at the weekend, just that it seems you disagree on what that entails (ie whether your DH's sailing compromises his lie in).

There's no wrong or right, just a difference of opinion.

And never had to do CC myself, but as I understand it, it takes several nights minimum to get it working. You are of course free to dismiss it if you wish, but it doesn't sound like you did it for more than one night anyway so possibly there is the issue.

Just can't see you finding a middle ground on this because it's not something that IMO has one of you spectacularly in the wrong over the other.

Tryharder Sat 10-Nov-12 18:31:16

This thread is about the OP's DH's refusal to pull his weight. Not whether or not the OP should do controlled crying or not.

I didn't do CC on any of my 3 and none of them were good sleepers really. I didn't have the bottle for CC and personally find it distressing. Not an option for everyone.

Agree, OP that you should get a decent lie in on Saturday. Are you going to bed early enough also?

mummymeister Sat 10-Nov-12 18:27:49

Controlled crying does not work if you only try it for one night. it takes at least 7 - 10 days and it is horrid i agree but so is feeling exhausted all day and having a row with your partner who i suspect isnt quite as happy with the co-sleeping/go to your own room routine as you think he is. Controlled crying does work - you as the adult just have to decide that you want it to, stick with it (together,not on your own) and sort this out. what would happen if you got taken into hospital/had to go and care for a sick relative/had to go away suddenly on business. these are babies and it is about learned behaviours and rewards.

Dozer Sat 10-Nov-12 18:22:44

Agree that DH shouldn't go sailing and expect a lie in in addition.

Dozer Sat 10-Nov-12 18:18:40

We had success with night weaning with dr jay gordon, I continued co-sleeping and bf in the day. It was painful, took 3 or 4 nights of solid crying, awful, but got her off the boob at night, and we comforted her etc.

TheSurgeonsMate Sat 10-Nov-12 18:15:29

Your thread title is misleading. You aren't really proposing that he does any night duty.

That aside, if this is the sleep solution you've both arrived at, of course YANBU.

Cluffyfunt Sat 10-Nov-12 18:07:09

I'm feelin quite pissed off on your behalf op!

Cluffyfunt Sat 10-Nov-12 18:06:01

He uses his morning off to go sailing -up to him

You want your morning off to catch up on much needed sleep -your choice (and a good one I think)

He is trying his luck to say that he gets 6 mornings off per month and you only get 2! shock shock shock

Animation Sat 10-Nov-12 18:02:28

Good job OP for insisting he does his bit and helps you to get as much sleep as he gets!

I think the issue here isn't particularly why baby wakes up but that dad does his fair share. There's no reason why a mum should get less sleep than the dad. It should be fair and equal.

SamSmalaidh Sat 10-Nov-12 18:01:15

At the weekends, you should get a morning each to do your own thing.

Saturday morning, you choose to sleep.

Sunday morning, he chooses to sail.

Whether or not the toddler sleeps through is irrelevant.

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