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I didn't want to go in the first place and now I think, "Why the hell should I?" Aibu?

(46 Posts)
Pearletta Fri 09-Nov-12 21:27:37

Have name changed because sil is probably on MN.

Sil's dd is having her bat mitzvah in Jan. They live 200 miles from us. We went to her ds's bar mitzvah three years ago. We were happy to go because it was a big family event. The dcs didn't enjoy it at all though - formal occasions are hard for children - and we didn't know anyone there really, apart from pil and a few elderly relatives. That was fine though because it wasn't our occasion and we simply wanted to celebrate.

However, I have recently had a baby. DD3 is 11 weeks old. Sil has sent a gift, asked for photos but is clearly not at all bothered to actually come and meet her new niece.

She texted the other week - she only communicates by text - that her dds were asking if we were planning a visit up north and dh responded that we weren't as we'd just had a baby and we were still finding our way with 3 dcs and a new baby but that she was welcome to come and visit her new niece. Did she want to make a plan to meet her? No response to that.

Now, I'm thinking I really personally cannot be bothered then, to travel, get me and my dcs dressed up to the nines in new clothes, spend a few hundred £ (which we really can't afford) on two nights in a hotel, deal with very bored dcs at synagogue and at the party afterwards (they won't know anyone and their cousins totally ignored them at the bar mitzvah). I think dh should just go as our ambassador. It would save on cost, energy etc.

There is a past history between sil and her parents and dh. Dh is very too close to his mum and dad and sil has been very aggressive in breaking the bonds of what I consider to be controlling parents. Pil will have a fit if the dcs and I don't attend the bat mitzvah but tbh, she's done a lot of rude stuff in the past to us all which we've 'sucked up' (loathe that phrase).

Before he was married with dcs, dh utterly doted on his nephews and niece. Obviously he's a little busier now and has other financial commitments so he cannot spend the same amount of time or money travelling up north to visit them.

What do you think? I really don't think we'd be missed and I do think she should make an effort to meet her niece. After all, your birth is as important as your coming of age, surely?

StrawberriesTasteLikeLipsDo Fri 09-Nov-12 21:32:46

YANBU its a two way thing!

Jsa1980 Fri 09-Nov-12 21:35:18

Sounds like you've got enough on your plate with the new arrival. It's perfectly reasonable not to go

SirBoobAlot Fri 09-Nov-12 21:36:46

Hmm. I wouldn't make a decision just yet. See how you feel closer to the time. Congratulations on your new DD smile

(But your SIL does sound like freaking hard work...)

BluelightsAndSirens Fri 09-Nov-12 21:36:49

I don't think you are being unreasonable, you have a lot going on and it sounds very one sided, will you be missed?

WorraLiberty Fri 09-Nov-12 21:38:43

Well YANBU if you don't want to go, but surely your DH can go with the kids if he wants to?

Also, why do you not refer to your SIL's DCs as your Niece and Nephew?

hermioneweasley Fri 09-Nov-12 21:39:02

YANBU, doesn't mean there won't be fireworks though.

TidyDancer Fri 09-Nov-12 21:44:29

What have visits been like before? Who travelled where and how frequently?

kenanddreary Fri 09-Nov-12 21:46:08

Worra - because they aren't actually her niece and nephew. I also don't refer to my DH's nieces and nephews as being 'mine'. Perhaps it's a sign of not being that close to SIL/BIL.

OP - YADNBU in not going and I wouldn't blame your DH and DC for not going either. You have enough on your plate at the moment. Don't let anyone make you feel guilty. It works both ways and it sounds as if SIL isn't playing the game IFYSWIM.

apostropheuse Fri 09-Nov-12 21:48:51

YANBU and you said you're happy for your dh to go on his own, which I think is a good idea.

TidyDancer Fri 09-Nov-12 21:51:22

They are her niece and nephew if she is married to her DH.... confused

The wider family sounds quite fractured tbh, and the OP sounds a bit like she's trying to get out of going regardless of this particular point.

WorraLiberty Fri 09-Nov-12 21:52:51

Yes they are her niece and nephew.

I'm just wondering why all this seems to be down to the OP to decide and sort out when the SIL in question is her Husband's sister.

chickydoo Fri 09-Nov-12 21:56:47

I know very little about the Jewish religion ( please excuse my ignorance) I thought it was only boys who had bar Mitzvah. Something about becoming a man. Can anyone enlighten me, just curious.
In any case I think if you are not going to enjoy the celebration & you would feel happier staying at home, then do what feels right for you

TidyDancer Fri 09-Nov-12 21:59:32

chickdoo, it's not a bar mitzvah, it's a bat mitzvah.

Floggingmolly Fri 09-Nov-12 22:06:16

I think that was a typo, Tidy?

chickydoo Fri 09-Nov-12 22:07:32

Oops ... Yes Bat Mitzvah shows how little I know .... I also haven't got my specs on & can't see a thing<slinks off to find glasses>

MajesticWhine Fri 09-Nov-12 22:10:04

Not a typo, bat mitzvah is for girls

minibmw2010 Fri 09-Nov-12 22:10:20

Bat Mitzvah = Girl
Bar Mitzvah = Boy

CotedePablo Fri 09-Nov-12 22:10:55


TidyDancer Fri 09-Nov-12 22:12:47

Ah okay!

Chickydoo, what did you need to know? Might be best to Google something here, may be a bit difficult to sum up properly!

I'm not Jewish, but a couple of close friends are.

TidyDancer Fri 09-Nov-12 22:14:15

No Majestic, I think chickydoo made a typo, not that Flogging thought it was a typo. Or I could be wrong....

Floggingmolly Fri 09-Nov-12 22:17:21

Sorry, Tidy blush. I'd never heard of Bat Mitzvah, so made a stupid assumption...

NotQuintAtAllOhNo Fri 09-Nov-12 22:18:11

"....but is clearly not at all bothered to actually come and meet her new niece. "

You honestly think she should travel 200 miles to look at a newborn?

Oh sorry, an 11 week old. Seriously same difference. You dont want to celebrate her dds bar mitzvah because she has not made arrangement to come and see a sleeping, feeding, farting, burping pooing baby?

Will your baby miss auntie visiting? Really?

NotQuintAtAllOhNo Fri 09-Nov-12 22:18:31

Sorry T not R

TeaDr1nker Fri 09-Nov-12 22:19:13

YANBU as you have a little one and if you are happy for DH to go alone with the older children then I can't see the problem.

I guess the question is how much of a brougus will this create with SIL and DH family? Will SIL/MIL/FIL talk to you again, do u care? Will your DH be piggy in the middle?

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