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to ask why the cat attacked my anus

(75 Posts)
Corygal Fri 09-Nov-12 19:58:31

So I settle down to a snory night with an equally snory tabby. While in my eyes it is a tiny helpless scrap of fur, to the uninitiated it may strangely appear as a 30lb feral tom.

It traditionally gets me up by scratching me gently on the elbow. But this morning, as it 'patted' my arm, I let rip a massive fart. The next thing I feel is a bloody great hairy arm shooting up the nightie.

It lashed out under the bridge. Three times.

Shrieking 'Paws not claws' repeatedly, I finally got free of its flailing, slicing claws and staggered to the kitchen where it got its 3 breakfasts, drink, milk, snack and so on.

I am now feeding it its post-supper treat but my arsehole still throbs.

MaryMungoAndMidgies Fri 09-Nov-12 19:59:54

Weeping. Now of no earthly use whatsoever.

AlphabetiSpaghetti Fri 09-Nov-12 20:00:23

grin

Oh that's funny. Painful, yet funny. And you win the award for best thread title ever. <weeps with laughter whilst trying to be supportive>

GeraldineAubergine Fri 09-Nov-12 20:01:49

That is unfortunate op. maybe he mistook the sound of your trumptons for an angry Tom and was merely facing off against a hitherto unseen enemy. Pants might not go amiss next time smile

Remotecontrolduck Fri 09-Nov-12 20:01:54

I'm actually crying grin

ravenAK Fri 09-Nov-12 20:02:21

Glad it's not just me fighting off the cat's rearguard attacks. They really don't seem to like being farted on.

PropertyNightmare Fri 09-Nov-12 20:02:46

Oh fuck that made me laugh grin. Get better soon OP's ringpiece

FairPhyllis Fri 09-Nov-12 20:03:50

Steel knickers on in bed from now on.

Grumpla Fri 09-Nov-12 20:04:04

Is it officially Fart Day on MN?

GrimAndHumourless Fri 09-Nov-12 20:04:05

oh GUFFAW

one of my late cats used to wake me by standing on my heid and hooking into my nostrils with it's claws. Didn't help that it was polydactyl.

GobblersSparklyExplodingKnob Fri 09-Nov-12 20:04:51

Oh Jesus, that is so funny.

grin

Hope you can sit down sometime soon.

Corygal Fri 09-Nov-12 20:05:10

And I've got an anal fissure.

whois Fri 09-Nov-12 20:06:05

V funny!

cheekydevil Fri 09-Nov-12 20:06:10

That is the first time I have ever laughed at a thread title (hard to make laugh
Oh dear, poor you. Put some sudacrem on it smile silly arse!

BerryLellow Fri 09-Nov-12 20:06:18

grin Ouchy

An old boss of mine once told me their new kitten had bitten his wife's nipple in bed one morning. I didn't need to be told this.

GobblersSparklyExplodingKnob Fri 09-Nov-12 20:06:56

'tis true Grumpla, op elsewhere on mn there is a suspected fart related pregnancy.

You appear to have come off better with a little light shredding.

MaryMungoAndMidgies Fri 09-Nov-12 20:07:08

Stop. Pleeeease stop....

I have to take a very serious phone call in a minute and I'm in no fit state grin

EyeoftheStorm Fri 09-Nov-12 20:07:18

The threads have been getting funnier and funnier today and this one just tipped me over the edge. DS1 wants to know why I'm wheezing. I can't explain - he's only 8. Plenty of time for arse-attacking pussies when he's older.

AmazingBouncingFerret Fri 09-Nov-12 20:07:40

I am, for once, speechless.

BitBewildered Fri 09-Nov-12 20:09:26

grin! Get well soon OPs poor arse! thanks

PersonalClown Fri 09-Nov-12 20:10:48

Am hyperventilating trying to tell this to DP.

He says you've violated the cat!grin

Corygal Fri 09-Nov-12 20:12:37

Tell your DP my little prince seems fine, in fact in a rather good mood.

susiedaisy Fri 09-Nov-12 20:13:38

'Paws not claws'gringringrin

HeirExtensions Fri 09-Nov-12 20:14:14

grin Oh your poor arse grin

KenLeeeeeee Fri 09-Nov-12 20:15:18

I am now a weeping, guffawing mess! With wine all over my computer grin

DH has begged me to stop reading him MN threads about arses!

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