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what is reasonable?? mum seriously ill.. no siblings no partner I'm an only child and i have two dc one of whom is 4 months.. help I'm going out of my mind...

(30 Posts)
Fairylea Fri 09-Nov-12 09:54:26

Help. This is causing so many rows at home.

My mum is 64. Long story short she has drink and mental health issues. We always used to live together until I had enough after a series of rows due to her being drunk and shouting at me. It sounds grim but we have been close too and supported each other through both of our divorcesand we cared for my gran together who died of cancer at home nine years ago. For the past year mum and I have lived apart. She has 3 small and friendly but completely unruly and boisterous dogs.

I am now remarried and I have ds 4months and dd9 years.

Mum has been very unwell for the past few weeks with what began as a serious headache. She had tests at the GP and they have told her to go to a and e and be admitted for tests this way rather than wait for a referral. They suspect it is cancer although they haven't said that word but they have said it is very serious indeed and she needs scans and more tests.

Mum is going in tomorrow. I am taking her. The hospital is an hour drive away each way. I will have to take dc with me as dh is working and cannot take time off as he is on a warning already (something unrelated, unjustly etc).

I am terribly worried about my mum and also there is a big panic about what will happen to her dogs... she has arranged for a lady from her work to come and see to them but this isn't a long term.solution. she cannot afford long term foster care or dog walkers. She has rung every charity she can. I cannot have them here, not with the baby unless I shut them in our massive kitchen extension with access to outside via dog flap but that isn't ideal. Is it? I don't want her to re home them and then recover and not have them
She would be heartbroken. They are her babies.

I am an only child. She has no other family. No boyfriend or partner. No friends apart from that one lady at work who will help with the dogs.

It's all down to me. My dh is stressed as I'm feeling so stressed with everything.

For example tomorrow I'm feeling like I should stay all day with her but that's not fair for the dc
... but I can't have my mum find out she has whatever she has on her own. So what do I do???

Dh works very long hours leaving at 7 and getting back at 8. We have no friends to ask to sit the dc and his family live a long way away so we cannot ask them.

What am I going to do? What is reasonable?

Please be kind.

Fairylea Fri 09-Nov-12 09:56:32

Sorry to drip feed.. all of us have literally no spare money. Our roof has just gone too so our savings have gone!! So childcare or paying someone to have the dogs isn't an option for any of us.

Justforlaughs Fri 09-Nov-12 09:59:00

Poor you and her, thanks. You must be out of your mind. Arethere really no mothers of your 9 yo DD that you could ask to have them? I'm sure that many people would be only too happy to help you out. I'm afraid that I have no advice about the dogs either, unless you can place an ad (maybe in a supermarket) asking for a volunteer to take care of them for a few weeks. I know several of my own friends do this kind of thing for the cost of the food (as they just love dogs/ cats)

squeakytoy Fri 09-Nov-12 09:59:14

That all sounds very stressful for everyone. How close to your mums do you live? What about your eldest childs dad? can he help with some of the childcare in any way?

squeakytoy Fri 09-Nov-12 10:00:09

I would contact the local vets about the dogs though, they might know of someone in your mums area who would help out without charging for anything other than food.

Gigondas Fri 09-Nov-12 10:01:31

Take it one step at a time. Yes it is tough on kids coming along but can you bring se
Toys etc to entertain older one (assume
Little one will be happy on hour lap). I think if it is serious you are right that your mum needs your support (and also an extra pair of ears as if she is diagnosed with cancer or something serious) she may well not be able to take it in.

The dogs are an issue you can tackle when you know more about your mums health . Please try not to worry about them as it is just making everything else seem unmanageable. And you will be trying to find a solution (eg you take them, rehome etc) before you actually have any idea of your mums health.

Fairylea Fri 09-Nov-12 10:02:20

Thank you for your kind replies.

There are a couple of mums of dds friends I could ask.. good idea. That would save me from the school run if nothing else..

Dds dad is in the USA!

I'm fucked sad

I can see me spending all day at the hospital with screaming miserable ds and running back and forward an hour each way to do school run etc etc. sad

cozietoesie Fri 09-Nov-12 10:02:48

So sorry for your situation.

Are you sure she really has rung round all the charities and given full details of the problem? I'd try yourself, setting out the issues properly. Here's a link - and some of the organisations may be able to give you further referrals if you're not in an area they cover.


Best of luck.

Onlyaphase Fri 09-Nov-12 10:03:09

Have you tried the Cinnamon trust here. It is a charity to support the elderly and their dogs etc in cases like this.

Flyonthewindscreen Fri 09-Nov-12 10:04:39

Don't worry about the dogs, in the short term there is someone offering to help, in the medium term they could go in your kitchen extension, no need to think about the long term yet.

I would play it by ear re staying at the hospital and investigate if there are parks/soft play places nearby so that if it becomes intolerable being at the hospital all day you can take the DC for a short break around your DM's tests.

Sorry you are having such as awful time, hope someone comes along with more helpful suggestions soon.

Anomaly Fri 09-Nov-12 10:05:50

Your house does not sound ideal for the dogs but if it's not forever then I wouldn't worry too much. Some dogs live in kennels for months so a big kitchen with access outside will do for a bit.

Tomorrow you need to go with your mum. Your baby won't care and at 9 I think your daughter is old enough to just have to put up with it.

Really hope it's nothing serious and your mum is better soon.

Onlyaphase Fri 09-Nov-12 10:06:08

From the website of the Cinnamon Trust in case this helps anyone

The Trust’s primary objective is to respect and preserve the treasured relationship between owners and their pets. To this end it works in partnership with owners to overcome any difficulties that might arise. A national network of over 15,000 community service volunteers has been established to provide practical help when any aspect of day to day care poses a problem - for example, walking the dog for a housebound owner.

A national fostering service is provided for pets whose owners face a spell in hospital - volunteers take pets into their own homes and supply love and care in abundance until owner and pet can be reunited.

Fairylea Fri 09-Nov-12 10:06:09

I think I'm so worried about the dogs as mums more stressed about them than anything else. She's rang the vets and they gave her a dog walkers number but they have no spaces available due to a big job they have house sitting for someone else!

I live 10 mins drive away from mums. I could go and see to dogs twice a day but clearly that will be yet another car journey and faffing about for dc. But what else can I do sad

I need to be there for my mum. Another problem is what if they tell mum it's serious and I have dd there..? She's very close to mum.

Gigondas Fri 09-Nov-12 10:07:37

Can your daughter wait outside? It is not an appropriate place for nine year old. Obviously needs to know but there are better ways to tell her .

Fairylea Fri 09-Nov-12 10:07:47

Thank you for all the links. I think she is.speaking to the cinnamon trust but I may try them myself.

Really appreciate all the ideas and support.

squeakytoy Fri 09-Nov-12 10:09:25

I know the MN view on facebook is that it is the work of the devil, but if you are on FB perhaps you could put something on there. You could be surprised by the help that is offered by people who are not close friends, and you wouldnt be putting anyone on the spot by asking them individually or directly.

If one of my friends were to be in your situation, I would be happy to offer to help out even if it was just someone who wasnt family or close mate.

Flyonthewindscreen Fri 09-Nov-12 10:09:49

Missed that your elder DC is 9. In that case definately ask one of her friends parents if they can have her. I would look after any of my DC's friends for the day in that situation in a flash.

RuleBritannia Fri 09-Nov-12 10:10:37

Whereabouts are you? That might help to enable more suggestions to come forward.

squeakytoy Fri 09-Nov-12 10:12:01

I definitely dont think its appropriate for your daughter to be there while your mum is being told about her illness, and I would expect they would ask for her to sit outside and wait anyway. Has your daughter got a school friend who she could spend the day with maybe?

mysteryfairy Fri 09-Nov-12 10:12:07

Poor you. What a horrible situation. It is awful having to worry about practicalities when you are also very frightened. I would just address tomorrow for now. My first thought would be will these tests happen at a weekend if you go to a and e. we have waited til Monday for a scan for very ill child admitted as an emergency before because a lot of the NHS shuts down at the weekend. Don't go on Saturday unless you are confident tests will be run at the weekend - ask GPs advice about it.

Are you picking DD up from school tonight. If so just ask parents of her friends if they can have her tomorrow. I have a ten year old DD and though life is busy I would not refuse any of her friends in these circumstances and would offer to have the little one too. I am sure at least dd would be taken care of this way.

Wait until you hear what the doctors have to say before you worry about what comes next.

CMOTDibbler Fri 09-Nov-12 10:15:14

Def try the Cinnamon trust - my g aunt has them as a contact in case she is taken into hospital.

And just ask the other mums - I'd be more than willing to help any of ds's friends parents in the circs, even if I didn't know them well.

Justforlaughs Fri 09-Nov-12 10:15:35

As a final resort, most hospitals have a "school" for young patients and also relatives who miss school through appointments. It might be worth contacting the paediatric department and ask if they can assist with your DD. I think you may have to take your 4 mo with you.

Fairylea Fri 09-Nov-12 10:16:00


We are in rural south Norfolk which makes things a bit more difficult!

I will try facebook... anything is worth a go.

I just feel so torn between trying to spend time with dc and wanting to be there as much as I can for my mum. I'm so worried about my mum I'm not even giving dc the attention they need or at least the smiles and fun part.

I have to go to the shops for some food bits I will return to this later.

I'm also worried long term what to do.. ie mum living here again which I don't think any of us could cope with sad but I feel guilty like I should do sad

Fairylea Fri 09-Nov-12 10:18:07

Obviously I wont have dd in the room if they tell mum it's something bad but clearly I will come out upset and I don't want her to find out that way if you see what I mean

JammySplodger Fri 09-Nov-12 10:36:59

Take things one step at a time, you sound like you're getting worried about lots of what- ifs, which is understandable and normal but can leave you quite worked up. Ask round your friends to see if someone can take DD and see how things pan out with your mum's tests.

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