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PIL not coming to our overseas wedding

(74 Posts)
GettingMarriedAbroad Fri 09-Nov-12 09:27:09

I'm sure many already feel I am unreasonable but please bear with me while I try to explain...

DP and I are getting married next year and the wedding will be on the other side of the world. I am from this other country and all my family live there. So...wherever we chose to get married would have involved international travel for one half of the family if we were to have everyone together. We chose my country as we live in the UK and get to see DP's family more often. We felt this was the fairest we could be under the circumstances.

With wider family and friends, we have let them know of the date and location, that we would be honoured if they could make it, but understand if they can't.

With DP's immediate family, we have offered to pay for flights and have arranged free accommodation for them while they are there.

PILs are going through a very difficult time financially (hence why we have tried to ensure they don't have any additional costs in order to attend our wedding). However, they have told us they can't accept our offer to pay and won't be coming.

I'm trying very hard to see things from their point of view and be sensitive to their difficulties at present but I can't help but feel desperately sad for DP that his parents won't be there to see us get married. At the risk of sounding like a bridezilla, I feel very upset about it all and don't know what to do. Hence why I am posting here...to get some perspective on how to approach this.

AIBU?

SissySpacekAteMyHamster Fri 09-Nov-12 09:30:37

Was ready to say YABU expecting people to pay to travel abroad, but as you have offered to pay and free accommodation, YANBU.

There may be more going on with the PILs though that you don't know about? It may not just be about money.

However, I would hope that for a child's wedding they could put any differences aside and travel.

How does your partner feel abou it?

helpyourself Fri 09-Nov-12 09:31:03

sad do you know why they won't accept your kind offer?

Justforlaughs Fri 09-Nov-12 09:33:17

I know that this can be a real problem for many people getting married now. I don't think YABU to wish they would come but is there any way of compromising such as getting married privately in a neutral place and then having large parties in both countries?

nkf Fri 09-Nov-12 09:33:32

Pride? Maybe they feel a bit strange about their son and daughter in law paying. Are they old? Not very healthy? Scared of flying?

In your situation, I would have two small services in the two different countries.

HecatePropylaea Fri 09-Nov-12 09:34:23

Can you have a blessing or some sort of ceremony here too?

shelscrape Fri 09-Nov-12 09:35:05

Have you PIL travelled much abroad? I live on the other side of the world and the IL's have never been to visit and will not ever visit they say - just don't like the idea of the travel, simple as that. I could just be a lack of confidence thing on their part.

YANBU, if they really will not go - have a family dinner when you get back so they can still celebrate with you in some way.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 09-Nov-12 09:36:52

What nkf said.

CMOTDibbler Fri 09-Nov-12 09:37:26

I guess its not just flights and accomodation is it though ? They'll need passports, new clothes, to get to and from the airport, buy meals while they are there etc etc. If money is tight then I can see that they'd worry about all the other costs - and if working about getting time off, maybe missing out on overtime/extra shifts.

I'm afraid you have to accept their decision, and just tell them you are really sorry about it, but you understand and you'll look forward to sharing your UK celebration with them

GoldPlatedNineDoors Fri 09-Nov-12 09:38:34

Could you buy their flights as their christmas present? Then its less of a handout and more of a gift (just trying to see things from their possible point of view).

yanbu, btw. One half of your family will have to travel a long way, so someone is going to have to do the journey. The fact that you are paying for them is great, imo.

Could you explain to them.how important it is they are there and ask if they would maybe host a drinks party once you all get back for friends and other family who cant travel?

nkf Fri 09-Nov-12 09:45:48

If money is tight, why should they host a party for anyone? A "very difficult time financially" is not a time for flights and holidays and big parties.

squeakytoy Fri 09-Nov-12 09:49:20

YABU and I agree with CMOTs posts.

Flyonthewindscreen Fri 09-Nov-12 09:56:11

It is sad for your DP that his parents won't be there but you have done everything you can to make it possible for them to attend so nothing to feel guilty about. I don't agree with the poster who suggested marrying in a neutral country, it would make it difficult for both sets of family and friends and seems fair that the family that get to see very little of the OP get to "host" the wedding.

Will you be having some kind of celebration/party/blessing or whatever in the UK as if so you can make a big point of telling ILs how much you are looking forward to sharing that day with them?

pinkdelight Fri 09-Nov-12 10:00:09

Is it the kind of trip they would ever be likely to make, even if they had the money? I know my parents would never travel across the world, and the 'even for a wedding' argument doesn't work because our family just isn't sentimental about such things. Me and my DH got married abroad and didn't have any guests because the wedding wasn't a big deal to us or our families, it's the being married that matters. So I think you have to try to get a clear perspective on whether it is just a money/pride thing or whether they would choose not to come in any case. As you say, you see a lot of them anyway and seeing you both saying some particular words may not be worth flying across the world for to them, however much it may mean to you. And if it is the money thing, well, holidays are always costly even if flights and accommodation is free. If they are in a tight spot, it wouldn't be a very wise move. Just go and enjoy yourselves and celebrate with his family when you come back.

Meandmycats Fri 09-Nov-12 10:00:37

YABU. As others have already stated the flights and accommodation would not be the only costs. My husband had to get a passport a few weeks ago and it cost over £100. Plus there will be outfits, gifts, meals etc.

They may not like flying, and as the accommodation is free I presume it is to stay with relatives? Who your PIL will not know and may not be comfortable staying with.

They are probably also sad they won't be able to see their child get married, but if their circumstances mean they can't go then they can't go.

GettingMarriedAbroad Fri 09-Nov-12 10:02:42

CMOT, accommodation will come with fully stocked and replenished fridge, my family would ensure they got to/from airport, we could help with passports if need be. We would try and keep costs down where we could for them. But, I think nkf hit the nail on the head...it's their pride. They would feel very uncomfortable accepting all of this. I can understand that, but for us, it's not about the money, it's about having them there.

MIL is worried about the flight but she had been coming around to the idea so I don't think that's the reason (although may be contributing).

I also agree they couldn't host a drinks party and we wouldn't expect them to.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 09-Nov-12 10:03:15

ask if they would maybe host a drinks party once you all get back for friends and other family who cant travel?

How will they afford that if they're going through a tough time financially?

Does one of them have a medical condition which makes travel difficult?

nkf Fri 09-Nov-12 10:05:32

How old are they? I think you are asking a lot to be honest. You are not being mean but you do need to recognise their feelings too and, I think, cut them some slack.

Mamf74 Fri 09-Nov-12 10:06:48

Would you be able to arrange a Skype link? Friends of mine did that with their wedding but for other reasons (illness made a family member unable to travel even a short distance) and it was lovely; the whole room was waving & talking to them before the bride came in, and we even took the laptop up into the room where the bride and us bridesmaids were getting ready so the lady in question actually got more involved that she would have done had she been at the wedding in person.

A family member stayed with her too, so they had champagne "with us" and it was quite moving, actually.

Icelollycraving Fri 09-Nov-12 10:09:25

Yababitu. When we married abroad,we paid for everything (flights,accommodation,all inclusive hotel etc) so in a way similar to you. There are still incidental costs in travelling,even buying new outfits for the wedding. I do understand about you being disappointed but please don't make them feel uncomfortable. Weddings now are a bigger day than when they married & perhaps they will be happy to just see you being married iyswim.

waltermittymissus Fri 09-Nov-12 10:09:30

I don't think YABU for being upset but you ask how to approach this.

Unfortunately, there's not much to approach! They've said no. They're adults and have made their decision. I'm sure they're not thrilled about missing their dc's wedding either.

How old are they?

SavoyCabbage Fri 09-Nov-12 10:10:03

I think YABU. You are obviously a person who has travelled so it's not a big deal to you, but to others traveling 12 thousand miles is massive.

ZZZenAgain Fri 09-Nov-12 10:12:15

could you have a wedding in the UK and a honeymoon in your home country together with a blessing ceremony of some type?

ChippingInLovesAutumn Fri 09-Nov-12 10:12:56

Did you discuss it with them before you booked it all and told other friends & family?

How have they been? A bit upset but understanding or completely devastated or knickers in a knot?

ZZZenAgain Fri 09-Nov-12 10:14:37

or have your wedding in the UK, pay for your immediate family to come over for it from your home country and travel back with them on your honeymoon? Would be similar cost-wise. (If everything is already booked and organised obviously this isn't a possibility for you)

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