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to expect DH to contact me when away on business trip?

(68 Posts)
BebeBelge Thu 08-Nov-12 12:27:13

I really don't think it is asking too much. DH went away Tues morning and will be back Sat morning. He is a 6 hour flight away but only one hour behind so time zone is not an excuse.

There is not much about him that annoys me but this drives me insane. Everytime he goes away, I usually get a quick email to say he has arrived (which I already know because the email arrives about 5 hours after his expected arrival and by that time I have already checked his flight status) and then pretty much radio silence. He only phones if we are in the same country. If he is abroad, it is only email. I miss him. It would be nice to chat at the end of the day. Before he goes, he tells me he is going to miss me so much blah blah. So why not bloody show me you care and get in touch???

Also, on a normal day, he never phones me from work (I am a SAHM and yes, do feel a little lonely) just to say 'hello' which I have learnt most husbands do. It would also be nice if he could let me know when he will be home from work in the evenings as then I can judge whether to keep the kids up an extra 10 mins to see him or whether to cook for him or not. Simple courtesies, no? Or am I just a whinging wifie, who needs to get over it??

I'm feeling generally taken for granted at the moment so my judgement may be a little clouded but I think I have a point?

StripyMagicDragon Thu 08-Nov-12 12:31:41

yanbu to expect contact when your h is away for a period of days. why not email him and ask him to phone at a certain time so you can both catch up?

just as an add on, my husband never phones from work to say hello, and it doesn't bother me. have you tried going to local groups or anything so the loneliness you're feeling is relieved?

purpleroses Thu 08-Nov-12 12:32:47

Have you told him how you feel? If so, YANBU as most of what you want shouldn't be a big deal. I wouldn't ask him to call whilst actually at work though.

But if you've not told him then YABU because he's not a mindreader and probably thinks it's expensive to call from abroad and an email is fine

sheeplikessleep Thu 08-Nov-12 12:32:54

YANBU but he probably doesn't realise or think about it.
Talk to him and explain how you feel.

RubyFakeNails Thu 08-Nov-12 12:34:21

Have you actually told him you want him to be in contact?

My DH only contacts me during the day if theres a problem. He never just calls me to say hello. Also on business trips, which he takes a lot of, he would probably only text me to tell me he's arrived, email once or twice when there and then text me to tell me he's coming home. Not everyone feels the need to be in contact. Maybe your DH doesn't, so you need to remind him or why don't you just call him when you want to speak to him.

sheeplikessleep Thu 08-Nov-12 12:34:38

My husband never phones me from work either.
Only if I've asked him to pick something up and he has a question, or he's got a question about something else.

Could you ask your DH to text you?

TBH is it about the contact or just that you feel taken for granted and this is one symptom of it? You need to talk to him and explain how you feel.

bigbadbarry Thu 08-Nov-12 12:35:45

Mine never calls just to chat from work either. He also never phones from a business trip even in the same country. We are strictly email and text when he is away. That suits me though as if he does ring it is always at a stupid time and I dislike talking on the phone anyway smile You do need to tell him though, he is not psychic.

BebeBelge Thu 08-Nov-12 12:35:58

No, i haven't told him how I feel. I just think if the situation were reversed and I was away for a number of days, then I would want to talk to him. I suppose I feel hurt that he doesn't feel the need sad

freddiefrog Thu 08-Nov-12 12:37:44

YANBU

My DH is away for work at the moment,

sheeplikessleep Thu 08-Nov-12 12:38:30

Also, day to day, we have a bit of an unwritten rule, that if DH is going to be late, he texts / rings me. I explained to him (particularly when I was on maternity leave with littlins) that I looked forward to some respite when he got home, that it's more about knowing in advance when he is going to be late. Now the boys are a little older, I don't really notice as much if he's a bit late. I needed to explain to him how I felt, I don't think he realised. But it was more about me, than it was about him though.
That isn't unreasonable to let you know if he is going to be late.

BebeBelge Thu 08-Nov-12 12:39:25

He can't phone as he only has a work mobile, and they are not allowed to use them when overseas and we're too skint for him to phone me using the hotel phone/pay phone or for me to phone him from our landline. For the same reason, I can't text him. His phone will be switched off.

maybe you are right. This comes on the back of a few 'taken for granted' incidents and I probably am BU.

freddiefrog Thu 08-Nov-12 12:40:17

Sorry, posted too soon

My DH is away at the moment, in the arse end of nowhere with no mobile phone signal, but still manages to ring for a quick hello to me and the kids before they go to bed.

He used to work away Mon - Fri and always Skyped just before the kids went to bed.

I don't think it's too much to ask to be honest, and actually, I shouldn't have to ask

BebeBelge Thu 08-Nov-12 12:41:21

I get really anxious at the thought of telling him how I feel as I don't want him to think that I am not coping at home which is not the case!

sheeplikessleep Thu 08-Nov-12 12:42:20

You need to talk to him and explain how it makes you feel.

Working full time, with colleagues, away from home is totally different to being the one left at home.

I go away with work from time to time and I do love my family to the end and back, but time flies quicker than when I'm at home and DH is away. The day just disappears when I'm working.

<Gawd, I look like an awful mother!> Guess I'm trying to say that your experiences of the situation will be different. Yes he should realise, but men do sometimes need the obvious pointing out to them too (or maybe just my DH!)

BebeBelge Thu 08-Nov-12 12:42:28

Thanks freddie. that's it, I think - I feel I shouldn't have to ask or explain!

tasmaniandevilchaser Thu 08-Nov-12 12:42:46

can he not skype? We skype when DH is abroad.

sheeplikessleep Thu 08-Nov-12 12:43:32

His work don't let him make calls when he is away with work? How tight is that.

CaurnieBred Thu 08-Nov-12 12:43:35

DH and I talk daily at some point if either of us are away from home for any reason. However, we do not speak to each other during a normal working day anymore apart from to say that we are on our way home and can you pick me up from the station!

The no contact whilst away I would find really strange - even in the days before mobile phones, DH and I still managed to speak via the hotel and he used to work in all time zones and usually through the night. But, I have found some guys hate using the phone whereas DH is quite happy to chat.

The not speaking during a normal working day I found strange to begin with as that is something that has evolved over the last few years - probably since I was on Maternity Leave with DD (when we both worked full time we did chat once a day): I think this is more a factor of DH being busier at work and trying to compress as much into his day so he could leave the office at a decent time so he could see DD before bed.

AuntieMaggie Thu 08-Nov-12 12:44:31

We both go away with work and often a week can go by without us calling each other because its so hectic.

We exchange emails/texts where possible but its not always possible.

And most people I know don't talk during a normal working day.

So I think YAB a bit U. You need to tell him how you feel.

LunaticFringe Thu 08-Nov-12 12:46:12

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BebeBelge Thu 08-Nov-12 12:46:16

My parents marriage was far, far from perfect but my Dad always phoned my Mum on his lunchbreak to say hello. But from what others are saying maybe this is not the norm afterall although most of my friends' DPs seem to do this.

MissWooWoo Thu 08-Nov-12 12:46:30

I wouldn't say you were a whinging wifie who needs to get over it but if these things are what you expect then you need to s-p-e-l-l-i-t-o-u-t-t-o-h-i-m. Talk to him that lack of contact upsets you and you'll probably find that he is surprised because if the tables were turned he probably wouldn't feel the same way.

My husband quite often goes away on business and he never phones, I get the "Arrived safely" text and then a text (usually) everyday to say he is about to go to dinner or is back from dinner. When he goes abroad for work he is trouble shooting and so he is very busy during the day, I might get an occasional email. However, this level of contact is fine for me. If I need to contact him then I do so and he always gets back to me. You are clearly not happy with the level of contact you're getting so mention this and/or contact him first.

My husband never phones me from work although we do exchange emails now and again this is usually to exchange information rather than to chitter chatter the day away "what time will you be home" "do you know where the X is?" "can you get off work early on X because I need to do Y?" "Can you pick up X for me today?" etc etc. Can you email him? often this is far easier for people to "get away with" when at work than a phone call with everyone listening in.

As for "judging" whether to keep kids up/cook for him carry I wouldn't and don't set my routine around my husband. My DD goes to bed at a certain time and if he's back he's back and if he's not (invariably) he's not. Most nights he will cook for me when he comes in - quick half hour or less suppers or if I've eaten because I was hungry then he'll get something for himself. If he can't/won't cook you could do it when he comes in and you could chat together in the kitchen and catch up.

However, having said all this you're obviously feeling - perhaps unloved is too strong a word - like part of the furniture so really you need to talk to him about it and have some ideas about how to make things work so that you feel more appreciated. Unfortunately just telling him that you feel like you're being taken for granted probably isn't going to be enough, you need to point him in the right direction. Why should you! I say it's because you are responsible for informing him of the fact that you're unhappy and what you think will make you happy and then it's up to him after that isn't it?

Good luck!

Everlong Thu 08-Nov-12 12:46:48

Hmm not sure.

Dh goes away quite a lot and we don't speak that much when he is. He texts to say he's arrived safe but not much else.

He's busy, I'm busy, so it's fine.

Why do you feel taken for granted?

sheeplikessleep Thu 08-Nov-12 12:47:09

You shouldn't have to ask or explain.
BUT his reaction will be all you need to know.
Maybe he'll give you a big hug and say "love, I'm so sorry, I didn't think, works been so busy and so pressured recently and it's hard as its so constant, but I should have thought, and I'm sorry. I promise it won't happen again."
Otherwise, you're just going to mill this over, seething and there's no solution.

BebeBelge Thu 08-Nov-12 12:47:30

No Skype either. Work laptop - not allowed to use it.

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