to be irrationally angry at DP (at 38 weeks pregnant)

[MyLastDuchess]

My DP is generally fab, a very caring partner and dad, though it must be said that he is not very well organised understatement of the year.

I am 38+3 with our second child and DP has just come in from the neighbour's to inform me that despite an earlier agreement, she might not be able to look after DS if I go into labour at night next week (she has someone coming over to stay or something). That's absolutely fine of course, she is our neighbour, not a free on-call midnight babysitter! She is going to ask her visitor and let us know, apparently.

I then said to DP well, we have to work on the assumption that she won't be available if I go into labour, which means that DP will have to stay with DS until his parents get here from 1.5 hours away. In the meantime I will go to hospital with the doula and midwife. (Long story but I have a medical indication which means that they want me in hospital pretty much from the start of labour.)

He just keeps arguing the point and wants to wait and see what happens and, apparently, not make a Plan B because I might not go into labour next week (very true) and in any case it might not be at night (also true).

I am irate because I cannot see why he can't understand my need to have a plan in place NOW. My first labour was awful and I am very nervous about this one, and I have done everything I can to try to know who will be there with me and avoid last-minute 'surprises'. So I want to work on the assumption that DP won't be coming to the hospital with me if it happens at night next week, and instead will be along a few hours later.

AIBU? My problem is that I feel like he is not taking my concerns seriously. I am well aware that the baby may not come along for another few weeks (I've done this before FFS!) But when I go to bed each night, I feel like I need to know who is going to be there with me if "tonight's the night", if you see what I mean. Not just wing it and take it as it comes. I tried that with DS's birth and let's just say, it wasn't a success.

I feel like crying because however much I have tried to prepare for this labour, I still know it's going to be a big challenge and I need to know who will be with me and that DS, aged 2, will be well cared for. For medical reasons I will have to stay in hospital for 5 days after the birth, and I'm dreading being separated from DS when we have never spent a night apart yet.

AIBU to want him to accept that he might not be able to come to the hospital with me? Or AIBU for wanting to have a firm plan in place when nobody knows when the baby will decide to come?

[whatsforyou]

You are not BU for wanting a plan, I like to be organised too but is there any reason you can't phone your ILs and ask them to be on stand-by as your neighbour is unavailable? Then at least you will know what will happen even if he is a bit vague about it all. I do think he could be a bit more understanding given that you has a tough time last time and are understandably feeling a bit fragile When I get like that DH will roll his eyes and clearly thinks I'm off my rocker but he humours me to keep me happy

[mmmnoodlesoup]

Worst scenario, you all go to hospital together and your dh can wait with with ds in waiting room for your parents. I understand needing to have a plan in place though.

[MyLastDuchess]

Ugh, sorry, I missed that bit out: my parents live in another country, my in-laws are 1.5 hours away. They will come as soon as we call them, FIL will care for DS and MIL will come to support me/DP at the hospital. Because my first labour was relatively fast and due to the risk factor I have, I will most probably be in established labour by then and the midwives want me to be in the hospital already.

There's a nice waiting room at the hospital, but if it does happen to be in the middle of the night I would want DS to be tucked up in bed. Now that I think about it, we couldn't get him to the hospital until my in-laws get there as we don't have a car seat for him (we live in the inner city and don't have a car, and the trams stop at midnight).

[SkinnyMarinkADink]

I am also a planner. worse when pregnant (currently bat shit crazy over the lack of nursery)

I have found through experience with a husband that is crap at planning and says 'lets see what happens' that instead of consulting i just plan.

So speak to your mil agree a plan of action with her and then give dh the details. sometimes our lovely husbands need to be given direction (afterall they are always wrong no matter what they do)

[frazmum]

The others have given excellent advice - for peace of mind just plan it yourself. First check if your neighbour is free, if not phone IL's and leave DH with DS until his parents arrive. Or if during the day all go to hospital and get DH to wait outside with DS - this is what we had to do with my no. 4. Labour progressed too quickly to organise help. It was fine though and tbh I was quite pleased to do the yelling on my own with the midwife. He and DS were in the room only a few minutes later after baby was born.