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Not to have my Mum here on Christmas Day despite DBros saying I should?

(93 Posts)
bubby64 Wed 07-Nov-12 20:05:47

Just some background - My darling mum has Altzheimers and has very short term memory (10 minute max). She is not comfortable leaving her little flat and her dog (who is a darling, but does not get on with cats, and we have 4!), she has carers 4 times a day, and, TBH, she would not remember it was Christmas Day anyway. Trouble is, my DBros both say I am being selfish and should have her over and let the carers have a day off too, as I have done so for the past 4 yrs. She cannot sleep here as cannot get upstairs, so we have to fetch her in the morning and drive her home in the afternoon, and also bring over her commode which has to sit in the corner of out dining room behind a screen as toilet is also upstairs. Dbro1 split from his partner of 11yrs 4 months ago, and is working Christmas (is a police officer) and DBro2 and family are going to Turkey to spend the holidays with in-laws (as they have done for the past 3yrs!) They are both saying mum should not be alone with just the carers over Christmas Day, and I and DH are being selfish to want to spend a Christmas day without worrying that we cannot have a drink and drive, and shutting away the cats and having the kids keep the noise down (mum gets very flustered and worried when the kids get rowdy). I know mum would understand is she was able too, why cant they stop trying to guilt trip me into doing something neither mum or we will enjoy!

NorksAreMessy Wed 07-Nov-12 20:07:48

Because they are feeling guilty themselves.

coldcupoftea Wed 07-Nov-12 20:11:37

Just spell it out to them- you have done it for the past 4 years, it is their turn! And don't feel guilty.

Shakirasma Wed 07-Nov-12 20:16:58

YANBU. It would not be in your mums best interests to do what they say. All it would achieve would be to upset your DM to appease their own conscience.

Stick to your guns for you mother's sake.

whatsforyou Wed 07-Nov-12 20:19:32

They feel guilty and are thinking of themselves not you or your Mum who, from what you have said, will not enjoy coming to your house.
If you are feeling guilty then buy the carers a nice present/card to show them how much you appreciate them and give them another day off when you spend the day with your Mum (which i am sure you do anyway)
They are being very mean and selfish so just ignore them and concentrate on having a lovely Christmas with your family, which as you say is what your Mum would want if she was well.

SugarPastePumpkin Wed 07-Nov-12 20:27:57

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bubby64 Wed 07-Nov-12 20:34:20

The past 4 years mum has had a longer memory, and even last year, she was happy having dinner and then going home after a couple of hours.
Also I was chatting with one of the carers today when at mums,(I go over twice a week) and she said she has a round on christmas day where she has to see other clients, so will be out anyway, and she gets bonus pay for every holiday visit she does, so she doesnt mind going to mums. I will cook a christmas dinner for her and leave it in the freezer so dhe has a home cooked meal, and go over on boxing day.
Yes, they are feeling guilty, they dont see mum nearly as much as me and my kids anyway, mum recognises my boys, but not her other grandchildren who she sees only every other month or so,even though they live only 20 minutes further away than us.
We all contribute towards a gift card for the carers to say thanks for looking after her so well anyway,

bubby64 Wed 07-Nov-12 20:52:30

I am going to stick to my guns this year. My DH is wonderful, and he loves my mum, especially as he does not get on with his own, but he would have to go out and fetch Mum, who would be flustered and anxious about coming out anyway, and he does get a bit frustrated by having the same conversation every 10 minutes (if she doesnt fall asleep, which she often does at the drop of a hat nowdays!), and he will be the one left to entertain Mum whilst I cook dinner etc, whilst the kids, (pre-teens), will disappear to their rooms as soon as possible, as is the norm these days. I would love to have a sherry when cooking, and wine with dinner, and a drink afterwards to relax, which I cant do if I am driving mum home after lunch.

Pilgit Wed 07-Nov-12 21:03:43

They are projecting their own sense of guilt. If it means so much to them, they need to take a turn. You do lots for your mum as it is. Aside from that her being at home would probably be better for her as its her normal space, her routine and sounds like she's got to a stage where changes really disorientate her.

simplesusan Wed 07-Nov-12 21:08:48

I think both of your brothers are bu.
Tell them that if they feel that bad then to have your mum themselves.
The second one has gone to Turkey for the past 3 years, tell him to arrange his flight for AFTER Christmas day. If he says he can't then tell him that is his choice and you are not having your mum, yet again, it is simply not your turn. The one who is working could swap shofts. It would mean him working other anti social days eg New years eve but I bet he would rather work christmas day.

Either way they are both wrong to expect you to accomadate your mum, yet again.

Snazzyfeelingfestive Wed 07-Nov-12 21:14:15

To echo posters above, YANBU and it is definitely their turn. In fact it's the turn of at least one of them for the next 4 years! When it comes up again, tell them that when they change their plans for the day this year, and through till 2015, to have your mother with them, then you will take notice of what they say.

procrastinor Wed 07-Nov-12 21:20:10

Don't feel guilty. If you wanted to take her home for Christmas, I'd probably advise against it as it would only be for your benefit, not hers. She doesn't know it's Christmas, for her it would just be a day where she was taken out of her familiar environment and her settling routine - all it would do is cause her stress and anxiety. Your brothers are projecting - they feel guilty and so suddenly decide that something must be done 'because its Xmas'. Bugger that, if they wanted to do something for their mother they should see her regularly and consistently in her environment where she feels safest.

The saddest thing I see year onyear is family who don't visit nan/elderly mother for months, rock up on Xmas or Boxing day, are suddenly shocked at the extent of dementia that their relatives have and rush them off to A&E. Despite the fact that sadly their relatives have been declining gradually over months and are pretty content in their own way but suddenly get dragged to an unfamiliar and scary A&E waiting room.

I'd suggest to them if their sudden;y overcome with concern that they can arrange to pop in at some point to spend some quality time with her. Btw you sound like an awesome daughter - her carers must really appreciate you.

ImperialBlether Wed 07-Nov-12 21:22:33

OK can you be sure your brother's working this Christmas? Hard to tell, really, when the alternative was for him to have your mum.

They are both being completely unreasonable.

Your mum will want you to be happy and relaxed at Christmas. She will be happier in her own house with something nice to eat and visits from her carers.

Have a lovely day and go to see your mum on Boxing Day. Tell your brothers it's their turn for the next four years and while they're at it they should see her more often now, while she has the chance to know who they are.

diddl Wed 07-Nov-12 21:28:41

So they haven´t seen hosted her for the past 4yrs & you´re the unreasonable one?

How close is she?

Is it possible for you all or just you to spend some of the day at hers?

Viviennemary Wed 07-Nov-12 21:33:48

If you've done it for the past four years then it's time one of your brothers took a turn. Could you not go to her flat for a visit around tea-time on Christmas day this year since it seems your brothers have already decided they aren't involved. YANBU in this case.

Purple2012 Wed 07-Nov-12 21:36:55

Yanbu. It is unfair of them, especially the one that's jetting off on holiday. I can understand the one that's working not having here over (we have the same problem when we work)

We generally try and take it in turns with my Nan. Although my brother would never have her, nor would any of the ones further away, but there's 3 lots of us that take it in turns. I am dying to have a Xmas with my husband when neither of us are working and we dont have people here but it's not happened yet. One day I hope it will.

CMOTDibbler Wed 07-Nov-12 21:42:31

YANBU. I'm also sure that your db1 could see your mum at some point in the day - being at home will be the best thing for her as all the disruption would be distressing.

My mum who is not as bad as yours would find it very hard to cope in another house with multiple children. Even in her own home, and my one, she gets all disorientated when we are there. We are taking christmas to them this year (they live 70 odd miles away, and dad wouldn't do a roast and would miss it), and I'm honestly not sure what will happen

WhereYouLeftIt Wed 07-Nov-12 21:44:10

YANBU. And I would tell your brothers to fuck right off trying to offload their sense of guilt onto you. If they're that bothered by how she spends Christmas day, they can make the arrangements to spend it with her. No? Well shut up then. And while we're on the subject, it's your turn next year boys, so don't be planning to hide in Turkey.

Gumby Wed 07-Nov-12 21:50:25

I think , despite everything, if you don't go round & see her you'll feel guilty

Just because you're brothers are crap don't make yourself feel shit

So you have a drink after visiting say at 4pm

It's not that much of a sacrifice is it?

GrimAndHumourless Wed 07-Nov-12 22:20:45

you have been awarded the job of mum-entertaining by your brothers BECAUSE they see caring and cooking as intrinsically female roles the mysogynistic bastards

Whatdoiknowanyway Wed 07-Nov-12 23:17:13

My dad was in a home for the last year of his life and we thought hard about what to do on Christmas Day. Previous years he had come to me or to one of my sisters but had been increasingly unsettled by the noise and the difficulty in going for a nap when he needed one.

After a lot of soul searching we decided not to take him out of the home for Christmas Dinner but to go and visit him there instead. We realised that that was the best for him and we should not take him out for the day and unsettle him just so that people who didn't understand dementia would think we were being good daughters. Routine is really important and it can be borderline cruel to take someone suffering from dementia away for their routine.

lizziebach Wed 07-Nov-12 23:28:54

Ultimately you have to do the right thing for your mother and by the sound of things that's leaving her in her own routine and settled. It sounds like she's at the stage where she won't even realise its christmas. Go and visit on boxing day and don't feel guilty. If your brothers say anything to you just point out that if they were so worried they would have made other arrangements themselves. Then ignore them, its hard enough caring for a relative with altzheimers without this added crap

OxfordBags Wed 07-Nov-12 23:33:04

Ah, you are the DAUGHTER, therefore you are genetically inclined to do all the caring. Also, because they are your male relatives, they get to tell you what to do because they are automatically superior.

Or not, as the case may be.

As everyone else says, they're assauging their guilt by trying to make YOU feel guilty. The DB going to Turkey - if he's been 3 yrs running to see his ILs (and I'm presuming they'll be Muslims if they're Turkish, so Xmas won't mean anything to them anyway), then surely it's time he and his family saw your mother? I bet if you pressed both brothers a bit harder about why they 'can't' see your Dm on Xmas Day, their reasons would break down into a load of huffing that amounted to saying "but you're the girl" in so many words...

apostropheuse Wed 07-Nov-12 23:47:48

YANBU in any way shape or form.

Moominsarescary Thu 08-Nov-12 00:06:15

I don't think it would be in the best interest of your mum, tell them no it's not happening just because they feel guilty

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