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to think he should have chosen his dd instead of his friend?

(107 Posts)
CharlotteCollinsislost Wed 07-Nov-12 14:26:02

My h has been invited to a stag weekend by a good friend. The weekend in question is the birthday weekend of our turning-9yo dd. He's chosen the stag do.

This means he misses most of the day itself (Sunday) and the night of the sleepover party (Friday night).

So AIBU to think he should've said no?

CrapBag Wed 07-Nov-12 14:27:13

What could he do at a 9 year olds sleep over anyway?

BupcakesAndCunting Wed 07-Nov-12 14:27:47

Your DD's birthday is on the sunday and she is having a sleepover on the saturday, I assume?

Why does he need to be there on the night of the sleepover? And he will be back at some point on sunday afternoon? I think YABU.

frantic51 Wed 07-Nov-12 14:28:26

No, YANBU but many men would do the same I suspect. sad

Fancydrawers Wed 07-Nov-12 14:29:53

Will DD be upset?

QueenMaeve Wed 07-Nov-12 14:30:37

<whispers> I was in New York for my ds birthday one year. It wouldn't annoy me if my dh did this. Your dd will I my be interested in her friends being there anyway. She could have a birthday tea with her dad before or after the sleep over

CharlotteCollinsislost Wed 07-Nov-12 14:33:51

I'm not quite sure why it bothers me, tbh. I think it's the message it sends dd; that his friends are more important than her. But perhaps she's not bothered and I'm just projecting.

ChippingInLovesAutumn Wed 07-Nov-12 14:34:27

Well, sometimes you can choose to make something an issue or not.

Her birthday is Sunday, not Friday, Saturday and Sunday. The way she has chosen to celebrate it (with a sleepover) isn't something that really involves her parents (beyond facilitating it) and so there's no real issue with him going and then doing something with her Sunday afternoon/evening is there?

It would be totally different if she had planned on doing something to celebrate on the Saturday that included him, then he bailed out, but that's not the case is it.

CharlotteCollinsislost Wed 07-Nov-12 14:34:40

At the sleepover... well, he could put the other dcs to bed, I suppose. And be available in case of any problems?

maddening Wed 07-Nov-12 14:35:39

Yanbu - especially as he's prancing off leaving you with the party

ClippedPhoenix Wed 07-Nov-12 14:36:37


He should have said no.

What would have happened if you decided to go on a hen do that weekend?

Why is it that women are seen as the "one's at home with the kids" whilst the man can swan off on a jolly?

CrapBag Wed 07-Nov-12 14:36:57

But its not something he needs to be there for. Your DD probably won't care, she will be busy with her friends.

BupcakesAndCunting Wed 07-Nov-12 14:38:24

It will only seem to your DD that your DH values his friends more than her if you make it into an issue. Is your DD upset that he won't be there?

lollilou Wed 07-Nov-12 14:39:07

At all my dcs birthday sleepovers Dh has taken the other one to Pils.

kinkyfuckery Wed 07-Nov-12 14:39:18

YABU unless he makes a habit of doing this sort of thing. As a one-off, why should he miss his mate's stag for a bunch of year old girls?

Perfect opportunity for you and your DD to do something nice together on the Sunday before he gets home.

StrawWars Wed 07-Nov-12 14:40:10

It's a good friend, it's a stag do and therefore (fingers crossed) the friend should only have one stag do in his life... assuming your DD doesn't mind, it almost sounds like you're a bit jealous? Do you get to go out much with your friends?

CharlotteCollinsislost Wed 07-Nov-12 14:41:00

I'm not making it into an issue at home - still trying to decide if it is an issue!

I don't know if she's upset or not. He asked her if it was ok for him to go - she gave both answers, I think: he seemed to talk her round to agreeing to it.

EdithWeston Wed 07-Nov-12 14:41:45

Does your DD actually mind? She'll see him On The Day, even if not for all of it. And she's reached the age when she'll be more absorbed with her friends at the sleepover.

Mind you: if your question was 'AIBU to plan to extract a massive quid pro quo from DH for swanning off leaving me with a house full of midnight-feasting, sugar-high, over-tired 9 year olds', you would have my every sympathy.

ScrambledSmegs Wed 07-Nov-12 14:42:24

If it's an isolated incident, then I don't really see the problem.

I get the impression it's not though? Has got form for putting your DD and you last?

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar Wed 07-Nov-12 14:42:41

I think it depends on how close the friend is and how late on Sunday your husband will rock up.

I don't think I would go, but then if it was a really close friend they wouldn't have a hen weekend that chashed with one of their close mate's children's birthdays.

Where is the stag do? Can he not come back early?

zeno Wed 07-Nov-12 14:43:06

yabu as it seems to be more about having another pair of hands around than about your dd being troubled by it. My dh works away so misses most birthday stuff anyway though, so it wouldn't bother us much, esp as your dh will home for some of her actual birthday.

Ephiny Wed 07-Nov-12 14:43:17

Do 9 year old girls having a sleep-over really want their dad hanging around anyway? I would have thought the less parental presence the better from their point of view!

I think YABU. Unless he was the one who organised the party and is now disappearing leaving you to deal with it for him!

CharlotteCollinsislost Wed 07-Nov-12 14:44:35

Straw - haven't tried much for a while, but no, I don't. At the risk of drip-feeding, I'll admit that he has little time for his family, me or the dcs. I was just wondering if, seen as a stand-alone incident, he was out of order, or whether I'm just cross about it because of all the other stuff.

CharlotteCollinsislost Wed 07-Nov-12 14:45:13

Smegs - gosh, I must be quite transparent! grin

HipHopOpotomus Wed 07-Nov-12 14:45:24

YANBU - DP would NEVER choose to miss one of his DD's birthdays, nor would I.

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