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to think that future SIL doesn't like DBros family?

(33 Posts)
CrapBag Wed 07-Nov-12 13:52:41

My brother is getting married next year. I am really happy and can't wait. I like future SIL, but there have been a few niggly things lately that make me think she isn't how she seems. I'll try and be brief but I also don't want to drip feed.

Before they were engaged, she said she had already decided that DD would be bridesmaid as she would look really cute (her words, not mine). They got engaged, nothing was said about DD but she gave me a long speech about how her 2 friends and 1 cousin were her bridesmaids and nobody else because people get funny (or something similar). Recently she told me that my brothers cousins DD is a bridesmaid (someone who lives 300 miles away). Out of all the people they could pick on my brothers side I don't know why its a more distant relative and not his (only) niece but there we go. It just feels like there is something she isn't saying though. I can't put my finger on it. My sister also told me that DBro told her they weren't having anyone from his side involved in the wedding as it would cause problems (my children are the only ones apart from cousins children who live far away so I am not really sure what he means), plus they have now picked someone distant from his side to be involved in the wedding.

On 3 occasions she has deleted messages from me on FB. I know she has as after the first one disappeared (I though it must have been a glitch) I checked after that it was on her page and it was. They then just went. The last time it happened, I was trying to find out when my DBro was coming home (in the Army) she deleted it so I picked her up on it with a "oh, I thought I asked you when he was coming home, don't know what happened to that comment" so she had no choice but to answer then. All very friendly as I have a feeling she won't say anything to peoples faces.

On her bday, we all went out for a meal. She made a point of saying how much she would really hate it if someone gave her a cake in front of the whole restaurant and doesn't like people looking at her (a few people did this to others on the night). My sister didn't hear any of this and had arranged it. When it happened FSIL thanked my sister with a big smile on her face and was saying "thank you, no really, thank you" sounding convincingly sincere but I knew otherwise based on what she had already said. I could tell that she was thinking badly of my sister but no one else picked up on it and thats what made me think that she can be quite the actress.

Recently she posted out most peoples invites to the wedding. I got a text out of the blue saying "I have yours and your family's invites, when are you coming to pick them up" I wasn't aware that I was suppose to so I sent a jokey text saying "oh I am picking them up am I" and she replied with a "yes etc etc". No asking if it was ok or anything. A text conversation followed and I have a feeling she now has the hump. She was suppose to be posting them all to my nans even though I went out of my way to provide her with everyones addresses, but she couldn't possibly change the labels now. They haven't been sent but everyone else I know has theirs.

I wasn't able to go to my brothers passing out parade (not enough spaces for me and my sister to go) and I wanted to go out with my brother (and my DH and FSIL) when they got back. FSIL said "not this weekend I am taking him out" so we couldn't go out then. When we did arrange it, it was to go to the cinema then out for food. A message went on FB saying they were going to see x, the film we had all planned to see together, the week before we were going to see it. When I asked about it on FB, she deleted my comment and didn't answer me. Come the night of the meal, I got a text from DBro 3 hours before we were due to go saying that her work (dental surgery) had booked a 2 hour appointment (at 5.30 on a Friday?!) and she wasn't feeling well so they couldn't make it that evening.

DBro has since been away with the Army and I again tried to arrange to see him when he came back but FSIL said not for at least a week as she wants him all to herself. I still haven't seen him and I said again about going out for a meal, which to my face she is all "oh yeah sounds great lets do that" then nothing ever happens. I communicate with her more that DBro as he never bloody answers half the time and the rest of the time he is away so I can't get in touch and it has to be done through her.

It seems like petty things but something just doesn't sit right. I mentioned it to DH and I was surprised when he said he had never liked her, something doesn't feel right to him either. DBro is head over heals and what she says goes. He told our sister that she was dead to him because of a minor disagreement between his fiance and our sister (he did later appologise).

FSIL is an only child, it is just her and her mum (who she and my brother live with and is very much involved with everything) and she only ever wants 1 child because she didn't have siblings and she doesn't want her child to have any. I think this is quite telling. Many of my dads family are only invited to the evening of the wedding and a few are not invited at all. It is their guest list so fine but I can't shake this feeling that she is trying to 'distance' DBro from his family. His mum (technically half brother as we only share a dad) and our sister were asking if I had seen him recently as they hadn't either. I think it is pretty much the same story with them as it is with me.

I'm just not convinced that she is as nice as she seems. All lovely to our faces but there is often the odd little funny look she gives plus the above 'incidents' that are making me question whether she is as nice as I previously thought.

diddl Wed 07-Nov-12 14:03:13

Hard to tell really-but your brother can also make decisions about the wedding, can´t he and when to see you when he gets back home, can´t he?

As for the cake-well that was unfortunate-what should she have done?

blueraincoat Wed 07-Nov-12 14:06:00

This sounds really familiar...

missymoomoomee Wed 07-Nov-12 14:09:14

You seem to be laying the blame at her door, what about your brother? He can't be 'distanced' of he doesn't want to be.

I don't think wanting one child is 'telling' of anything.

As for the cake thing I think she was just being polite.

buggerama Wed 07-Nov-12 14:10:21

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mutny Wed 07-Nov-12 14:16:57

You have posted about this already, haven't you?

Tbh it comes across as though you don't like her.

CrapBag Wed 07-Nov-12 14:24:52

No I really do like her and I am genuinely excited about the wedding. Its hard to say in words, plus I am shit at explaining myself, but something seems 'off' I can't explain it. I just really get the feeling that she doesn't really like us. I could just be completely paranoid but DH said it as well without me saying too much and he is a bloke who doesn't tend to take notice of much so that threw me a bit.

I only mentioned the 1 child thing as she said she is really glad she never had any siblings and I get the feeling that she seems to have some sort of problem with me and my sister.

Maybe I am being completely paranoid.

HeathRobinson Wed 07-Nov-12 14:27:00

Hmm, I dunno. It feels odd to me (not having a close birth family), that you want to see your brother as soon as he comes back on leave etc.

Maybe she's feeling a bit suffocated by your family?

But does your brother feel the same way 'as he never bloody answers half the time'?

She can't distance him from the family unless he wants it to, imo.

HeathRobinson Wed 07-Nov-12 14:29:22

too

CrapBag Wed 07-Nov-12 14:30:05

I don't think she can feel suffocated, they don't see much of any of us, which is why I wanted to see my brother. We have been trying to arrange going out, the 4 of us, for ages but it just isn't happening.

He is like a lot of people, mainly men in my exprience, they just don't bother replying to messages, then I feel like I am keeping on if I ask again so I tend not to ask him so much. He tends to go along with whatever she does.

DeWe Wed 07-Nov-12 14:33:27

You really do come across as not liking her though. She may not like you. There's no rule you have to like your future sil though, and she's polite about it, not offensive.

On her bday, we all went out for a meal. She made a point of saying how much she would really hate it if someone gave her a cake in front of the whole restaurant and doesn't like people looking at her.
Really this was her way of saying "please don't do this". Why didn't you tell your sister not to do it then? Sounds like she was pretty gracious in accepting in, so there's no problem there.

And I don't think it's unreasonable for her to want some time with her fiance on their own when he comes back from the army. It's not like he's just popped up to Scotland for a weekend.

You do say initially that he never answers half the time, so you go through her-and then you accuse her of trying to split him off from his family. Surely if she was trying to do that, he would be answering more consistantly than her. She has no benefit in answering if she's trying to break contact.

The wedding invites is a bit hmm, but if I was trying to break off contact with the family then the last thing I'd do is ask a family member to deliver them. Much more impersonal to mail them out. If you're not asking/telling people to do things, it's much easier to lose contact.

You have posted about this before though, haven't you? Or is there someone else with the same issues?

CrapBag Wed 07-Nov-12 14:34:36

I think I should just leave it tbh.

blackeyedsusan Wed 07-Nov-12 14:44:16

I don't think you have enough to go on to be sure.

the first eweek home.. difficult, yes she wants to see him and catch up, cetainly the fiirst few days... but you are family too..

the cake thing I think is a non issue. I would hate it too and then would be polite... that is what she was doing.

the bridesmaid thing is odd...

the not going out thing when she says she will may just be disorganisation/cossed wies expecting you to arange something..

going yto see the same film that you were going to see with your brother is odd..

wedding invites.. maybe they are splitting the work load?

deleted messges ... odd.

enough incidents to be wary but not enough to be proof. yet!

missymoomoomee Wed 07-Nov-12 14:52:31

I don't think the deleted messages are odd. I did this when I had FB because I didn't like having public conversations about some things. Why post it on FB why not PM or text or phone?

Alisvolatpropiis Wed 07-Nov-12 14:53:01

I have a sense of déjà vu after reading that OP.

I agree with other posters here,she was v gracious regarding the birthday cake (I would also hate that) and that she probably feels a bit smothered generally speaking.

Ephiny Wed 07-Nov-12 15:03:02

So maybe she doesn't like you and your family. She doesn't have to. And as long as she's polite and pleasant to your faces, what's the problem?

Re the birthday incident - a few years ago I remember a little before Christmas a conversation with MIL where I explained in depth why I don't wear make up, don't like it, never will wear it etc. I was a bit blush when she produced my present - a nice little make-up kit...

These things happen. I wouldn't have said it if I'd known!

diddl Wed 07-Nov-12 15:04:22

Maybe she doesn´t like you.

Maybe she´s struggling with "sharing" her fiance.

You think she´s trying to distance your brother-he might be glad of the chance to pull back.

Wedding invitations-your brother should have sorted out addresses for her!

WipsGlitter Wed 07-Nov-12 15:16:02

You've posted about this before (I remember the bit about the invites). I think engaging in a debate on facebook is really odd, and I don't blame her for deleting your comments, it would look as if you were deliberately trying to make her look bad in front of all her friends.

Sometimes you just have to accept that people move on and that the closeness families once shared has to change to accommodate new relationships. You can get on and be polite with your in-laws and family but there is no law that says you have to be best buddies.

As others say, you're laying the blame with her, but your brother doesn't seem that bothered.

DuelingFanjo Wed 07-Nov-12 15:20:15

I think you need to stop communicating with her on facebook.

You need to stop feeling put out that your child isn't going to be a bridesmaid.

Have you tried calling your DB on the telephone and pinning him down for a date to meet up rather than doing it by text/facebook?

rainbow2000 Wed 07-Nov-12 15:27:58

Your brother should put her first after all they are soon to be married.Im reading in to it that you don like be usurped.You are not going to be number 1 anymore you might as well get used to it,hes doing it right.
He should be distancing himself,and your problem is with him not answereing not really he.

You come across as over bearing and to much in their business,maybe its not like that but thats how its coming across

Ephiny Wed 07-Nov-12 15:41:06

Yes you do sound a bit over-involved. I would be a bit taken aback to have one of DH's relatives questioning my social arrangements on FB, or getting competitive with me over time spent with him.

I think you are behaving more oddly than she is tbh. Maybe you should back off a bit? Your brother is surely quite capable of getting in touch with you if he wants to.

mutny Wed 07-Nov-12 15:44:53

message went on FB saying they were going to see x, the film we had all planned to see together, the week before we were going to see it. When I asked about it on FB, she deleted my comment and didn't answer me

Why would you do this? Your plans were with your brother, why are you questioning her and why on fb. Why not text or (shock) even call your dbro. Tbh if me and dh went to see a film he was planning on seeing with his sister and she questioned me, she would get told to speak to dh and that I am not a middle man. Deleting it was actually quite polite. It would have pissed me off that you put in on fb.

FSIL said not for at least a week as she wants him all to herself

My step dbro was in the army. I would say this is fine as she is his future wife.

I could go through the rest point by point. Buy it will take ages so in brief.

Stop using your sil to arrange stuff with dbro. He is an adult and can do it himself. If he cancels plans that is HIS choice, if he doesn't answer his phone that's down to HIM.

honestly you sound over bearing and my sil would piss me off if she expected me to arrange her and dhs social events.

You may have to accept that he has now made his future wife the priority and infact he also feels a step back is needed so he can ensure his wife and future family come first.
He is possibly trying to set the new rules.

Alisvolatpropiis Wed 07-Nov-12 15:47:53

It isn't a crime for her not to want to spend time with you,if that is in fact the case.

God knows I avoid my OH's brother as much as I possibly can!

Fakebook Wed 07-Nov-12 16:10:37

Have you written about this before? Your first paragraph sounds really familiar. I think you were told to leave the bridesmaid thing in the end.

Adversecamber Wed 07-Nov-12 16:52:38

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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