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To think infant children should be allowed to form their own friendships at school?

(16 Posts)
MrsCantSayAnything Wed 07-Nov-12 11:11:20

Without teachers interfering? My DD is 4 and she has had a little friend since pre school...he's a boy called X.

My DD is confident and social and her friend X is a bit shyer... and he and my DD have always enjoyed playing together....they make up complicated games and really enjoy them.

DD has some other little female friends and X joins in too...they all seem happy.

DDs teacher has told me and Xs MUm that they are trying to separate them a bit as X is too reliant on my DD. I asked if DD was overpowering him or bossing him or something and they said no...they just want him to mix more and so have taken to making them do outdoor activities in separate groups.

I think they're FOUR and should be left alone. DD has noticed a bit that they're separating them and X is a bit stressed by it.

They're like the wind at this age and will soon branch out. AIBU?

pigletmania Wed 07-Nov-12 11:14:45

YANBU but I can see what they are trying to do. They should just eave them eventually they will make other friends when x is older. Forcing te chid can go t other way

MrsCantSayAnything Wed 07-Nov-12 11:16:20

They're so small still. I think that if both are happy then fine. If one was being too bossy or pushy, then I would understand. I feel sad for DD and for X to be honest.

mogandme Wed 07-Nov-12 11:16:22

YABU It is important that children do mix so that they can form their own independent friendships, it also means that when a best friend is off sick then the other child can and will be able to play with the other children witout the best friends support and doesn't end up upset and unable to join in with other games.

Mrsjay Wed 07-Nov-12 11:23:17

YANBU to be upset well I dont think so they are only 4 years old, however it is important that the shyer child doesn't become so dependant on your dd that he can't join in anything without her
they are just trying to help him mix in a little better that is all and not split up the friendship. tell your dd that he is always going to be her friend but it is nice for him to play with others too ,

RyleDup Wed 07-Nov-12 11:24:30

I think you are a little unreasonable. They need to be able to mix with others and not be reliant on one person. I remember when I was in primary and at age 9, my best friend left the primary altogether. I found the next year very very hard as I had no friends. Your dd sounds as though she's ok, but the little boy needs to mix more. I encourage my daughter to play with lots of children in her class. I don't want her to go through what I went through.

Mrsjay Wed 07-Nov-12 11:24:43

saying all that I do think if both children are really upset then you and other mum should say to the school and maybe they can readdress it,

MrsCantSayAnything Wed 07-Nov-12 11:24:59

I suppose I see that he needs to have some friends to fall back on. If that's the case then i suppose I am BU!

Bless him. I just feel a bit sad to think of them looking for one another!!. I will tell DD that he is always her friend but that he needs others too.

mutny Wed 07-Nov-12 11:27:11

We had this. DDS friend was distraught when she was off sick. Didn't play with anyone else.
Made me really upset when I heard.

Its a good idea to encourage other friendships.

lizziebach Wed 07-Nov-12 11:31:41

YANBU unreasonable and I can see where you are coming from, however from my own perspective as a child from pre school until about 7 I had a best friend, and then at 7 her parents moved away. I hadn't really interacted enough with the other children around me (I identify with X in this senario by the way) and it probably took me until secondary school to form any other friendships. So whilst I can completely see you point the teachers will probably have seen my senario arise again and again and want to try to protect the children against it. If the children are unhappy and don't seem to be adjusting then maybe you do need to speak to the school and ask them to be a bit more gradual in what they are doing, only seperate them every other time etc. Have you spoken to X's mum about this and seen how she feels about it? If you are both concerned perhaps you could discuss it with the school together?

DioneTheDiabolist Wed 07-Nov-12 11:32:44

Last year DS's reception teacher separated him and his BF. They are still best friends but both have made other friends and are less reliant on eachother.

GwendolineMaryLacey Wed 07-Nov-12 11:33:14

YABU. The teacher needs to keep an eye. We've got the opposite problem. DD1 has had a best friend through pre-school. Now in reception she's widening her net and has made other friends. The other child doesn't like it, is very clingy and dependent on dd1. I've been ranted at in the playground by this child's mother (who I thought was nearly a friend) because her child feels left out.

DD1 is 4, she doesn't know how to handle this properly, she needs help.

Mrsjay Wed 07-Nov-12 11:37:32

gwen go tot he school ask for a meeting with you and the other mother who really shouldn't be shouting at you about something you have no control over,

cumfy Wed 07-Nov-12 12:39:42

I wouldn't mind them ensuring they're separated in class, but at playtime hmm ?

Poledra Wed 07-Nov-12 12:50:15

When one of my DDs started school, I asked the teacher to keep an eye on her friendship with one particular girl. She was a lovely child but was totally reliant on my DD, and looked for her approval before doing anything. I was concerned that there was the potential for my DD to become very controlling of this little girl, and didn't want this to happen. Nor did I want my DD to become this child's lifeline, and unable to make other friendships because the other girl relied on her so completely. We did succesfully encourage the girls to become more independant of each other, but the other little girl has transferred her affections onto a friend's DD, and is now saying things to my friend's DD like 'you can't play with anyone else, I'll cry.' and suffocating my friend's DD in a single exclusive friendship sad

So I guess this is a longwinded way of saying that perhaps the teachers have experience of this sort of set-up, and are trying to give both children a bit more space to develop independently.

scootle Wed 07-Nov-12 12:54:19

My dd has a best friend - they are sooo sweet together and are pretty miserable if the other one is off. We have bf round lots, but I make a point of asking other dc to tea and encouraging other friendships as well as the one with bf (as does bf's mum). If dc are totally inseparable and then fall out later, it can be really devastating, plus having an inseparable couple in the classroom can change the dynamic for other children.

But it should be done gently and with subtlety.

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